Dancing in the rain
The tears become invisible as I step out from my make-shift shack house to the pouring rain outside.
There was no point staying inside when I would only face more rain, there was no point staying inside when I would have no space to gain, to gain the wonder of twirling in mindless bliss in my ugliest dress.
No point staying inside when I would have no space to gain the joy of leaping only to slip and fall to the wet welcoming ground,
And oh to gain, the marvelous triumph of getting right back up again.
To gain pattern of tapping my feet to the rhythm the rain makes for me,
And to gain the release of lifting my voice, as I spin to the droplets, to cry out all of my troubles and truth.
So I am outside to experience such things, I am outside to feel the free playing water play with me!
To swing along with my gentleman the strong and cold wind. I never hope for the rain to end and the dance to have a finale, I never hope for the world to grow open and less dreary.
I never hope for my feet to tire or get weary, or hope that the skies will start to part fairly.
And yet each time the clouds do part, the sun comes out, and I stand on the road, my eyes sullen my feet swollen and right next to me, a toad.
I see this is a poem with a narrative quality which I like. As I read it it flowed nicely but when I got to this paragraph
I feel like you repeat yourself too often with the 'there is no point' it turns the sentences long. This could do with a line break.
I would drop the word fairly at the end of this line. I know it rhymes but it simply doesn't add anything to the poem or the line. Its a floating word that you just put in there for the sake of rhyme.
<33
I like the concept, I like the setting, I like the way you've written this poem. That's some quality work YWS needs.
"There was no point staying inside when I would only face more rain"
God, the generality of this line!
"And oh to gain, the marvelous triumph of getting right back up again."
Didn't this just feel perfect the way you've put it? And the way you've place it just at the right point in the poem.
This is a natural poem and that's what I like the most about it. Effortless, yo!
Keep that up!
I wanted to leave a lot of room open for imagination. Thank you!
This is a nice idea but...
Mk...
1. It needs to be in poetry form if it's a poem!
This:
To swing along with my gentleman the strong and cold wind
Should have a coma:
To swing along with my gentleman, the strong and cold wind
This should be its own sentence:
I never hope for the world to grow open and less dreary.
This needs work, I can't tell you how to fix it because there's many ways to and I'm not sure which you were going for:
And yet each time it happens still, and I stand on the road, my eyes sullen my feet swollen and right next to me, a toad.
Anyway nice idea, but it needs work, I think your ideas need to be a little more clear...
I appreciate your comment! And I will make it in poetry form, but I must say I was contemplating the idea of just leaving it like that because, these rules are subject to change, for I'm not sure I mark this as only "poetry" although it is a poetic piece. Also, I don't know what "work" it needs but I don't plan on making it any clearer because that was my point. I wanted it to fly off into ones imagination of who she was, and why she was dancing in the rain. This is not necessarily about me. This is about someone in my imagination doing something I've always wanted to but never truly got to. As for that last sentence I was going for some imagery and maybe a little humor. But I will arrange the sentence better.
Thank you, but please don't say it's a nice idea if you can't explain what the idea fully is.
I'm sorry for the tone. I didn't mean it to come out like that. I was expecting criticism, but I took it too hard. Obviously I made a fool of myself by doing so, so, once again sorry.
Yeah, it doesn't need to be in poetry form btw! That's the beauty of modern poetry. Thank God we've taken the step away from strict verse with set rules and regulations.
Lay it out however you want!
Oh no! I'm sorry you took offense! It's really good! I just meant in a few sentences you like repeated things and worded it a little funny, that's all! I still think it's beautiful. I really, really like how you edited it now! The last sentence is much better now.
Thank you!
It felt that you wanted your emotions -- happiness and/or sadness roll and be washed and be hidden by the pouring rain. You might not want that to end but take in mind that you have to start and welcome a new. Because afterwards the feeling of satisfaction stays with you when you express your emotions even by yourself then smile,..
Anyways, i like your piece,..
=)