presence is apart from what eyes can see
and hear and feel and smell
presence is in movement,
a steady beat, a small rhythm
that rises above the rustling leaves
it soars high over running rivers
over the highest heights
into a sacred place
away from noise,
away from time,
in a home,
in a dank
shadowed
hall
where
everything echos
and the beating
echos louder than all.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,775 Reviews
Hi thewritersdream!
Well, I have to say that I really liked this poem. Seriously. I never saw anything like this before.
I don't have anything to say about the content; it's perfect. Although I don't really get what you're trying to convey with this poem, and that's not a bad thing, I think that people with more complicated level of thinking will love this. (I'm just saying that I'm not smart enough to understand this).
I think that you might want to add some upper case letters, like in the front of the verses. For example, [presence is apart from what eyes can see
and hear and feel and smell] could be [Presence is apart from what eyes can see
And hear and feel and smell]. Just some small things. Your title also needs some upper case letters, but again, that's some very small things.
I would like to point out one thing.
[in a dank
shadowed
hall
where
everything echos]
This needs some looking over, I think. You must have wanted to add some effect to this part, but when I was reading it, here is what I thought: ' "in a dank". Okay. In a dank. Shadowed.. what? Dank shadowed... hall. Okay, dank shadowed hall. Where... where? Everything echos. Okay. That makes sense...' If you're reading a poem, you shouldn't feel like this. It might be best if you wrote instead,
[In a dank shadowed hall
Where everything echoes]
Yep. That's what I think, at least. One last thing to point out, then I'll be out of your hair. 'echos' should be 'echoes'.
Awesome job! Keep on writing, mephis
Hello, thewritersdream~ It's been a while, hasn't it? Scarli here to review your poem! (By the way, this is my 150th review. Isn't that awesome?)
Wow. This is pretty good. I just have a few issuses with it, which I shall point out momentarily. The flow is very good and interesting. I like it! Your imagery is fascinating, and I really like the theme to this, the way it seems to wind down and then pick up again, just a little bit. I am definitely liking this once I've finished the review. ^^
But, alas, my issues. First off, this;
Um, what. I'm sorry, but this doesn't make much sense to me. I think you were trying to say something along the lines of "it soars high over the running rivers", maybe? I'm just pointing this out because "on top the running rivers" is awkward and for me, it makes no sense whatsoever. Maybe I'm just weird. Perhaps adjusting this line would help.
And the second issue was here;
Echoes is the correct way to spell it, though that's not my problem. Having lines that end in something twice, right after each other? That's a little awkward, so maybe try adjusting the placements? Like;
"everything echoes
and the beating
echoes louder than all"?
Does that help? I think it makes it flow a little better. Over all, this is a beautiful poem, and I'm sure if you keep working on your writing, you'll get better. Practice makes perfect, as they say! I really liked how you ended it, though. Love the imagery it inspires! So, yeah. That's about all I could help you with today.
Remember; keep it up and never stop writing!
~Scarli. <3
Thank you! <3 I was thinking of you!
D'awe! That's lovely to know!
presence is apart from what eyes can see
and hear and feel and smell (scratch this line, no need of it; ruins the rhythm)
presence is in movement,
a steady beat, a small rhythm
that rises above the rustling leaves (Beautiful verse!)
it soars high on top the running rivers (would be cool if this was, ''soaring high on top the rivers'')
over the highest heights
into a sacred place
away from noise,
away from time,
in a home, (semi-colon)
in a dank (scratch the ''in'' and let it be, '' a dank shadowed hall'')
shadowed
hall
where (breaking into one word per line in my opinion, kills the rhythm and flow of the poem)
everything echos
and the beating echos
louder than all.
This is a good poem and I enjoyed it...
Tend your flame...