Hey there, Lightsong! I remembered! XP
I liked the atmosphere that you've created in this.
oh damn i
fell too deep
into this
dreamy lie
Aside from the "oh damn" (because I don't really feel that adds anything to this), I really liked this stanza! I'm not sure why I like it, I just do.
One thing I noticed in this, was every once in awhile you'd use the same word, and how you said something, as you did previously in the poem. I'm pretty sure it was done on purpose, but I don't think it did what you wanted it to do. By that I mean I didn't really attribute it as something that bought me back to that same line, but rather I saw the use of the same word and my brain said I'd seen that word before, but it didn't feel like it was on purpose and it didn't seem to flow nicely until I went back and read it and found out what you were doing. That could just be me though. And I'm doing a terrible job explaining it... An example is your use of "it felt like surrendering".
when our eyes
met each other
i saw in them
a reflection
of honesty
and desire
The bolded bits I feel you don't really need- they just add bulk. Without those extra words it just flows better I think. And yet, I see that maybe you did that to make the lines match better, but I think it's more important for it to be free of un-needed words. That's just my thoughts anyway.
Anyway, this was very easy to read! Keep it up!!! ^_^
-Socks
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