Young Writers Society

Hai :3

I love this!! This poem is so nostalgic!! The way you’ve woven Paris’s past and present into a conversation with the city itself is so perfect. I love how it feels like you’re reminiscing with an old friend, giving Paris this almost human quality, like it’s aged with you and kept all these secrets along the way. That's so powerful to me!! You really emphasize that personal connection, like you’re not just talking about a place but something intimate, something you’ve loved for a long time.

I’m getting major vibes of someone walking through a city they once knew, feeling like a part of it has moved on without them. That contrast between the old meeting points turning into cafés and becoming subways is such a smart way to capture how time changes things, but also how some things still endure (like the Eiffel Tower and Sacre-Coeur being these eternal witnesses to all the shifts). It’s like the city has evolved, but the heart of it, and your connection to it, remains the same. I imagine that's universal. I am totally obsessed with that metaphor!!

The croissants laugh at their naivete

I love this line!! It's playful but also feels like the food itself has seen it all and knows better ~~ Like, it has seen so many people come and go, things change, and it is still around. You'd never think that food is a lasting piece of a city, but I think it says a lot about how traditions work. It adds such a cozy yet reflective feel to the poem, like even the smallest parts of Paris have witnessed history unfold. France, especially, is so old and introspective!! I never thought about that side of it, but now I see it.

I love how it juxtaposes with the romance too!! The old, shy romance against today's "extravagant candlelight dates" is so on point. It makes me think about how love and relationships evolve with society, and how the simplicity of the past (carriages / holding hands / simple things like food) has its own beauty. It’s like you’re grieving for a time when things were less performative and more personal, which is something everyone feels!! We all have moments where we wish to go back in time.

Oh my Lutetia,
Still, I can hear the screams of struggle,
The reason why country's folks can chuckle.

This idea is so interesting !!!

Though, the intention is clearly to create this melancholic reflection on how Paris (or Lutetia) has evolved, but at times it feels like you're hitting the same note over and over again. There's a strong sense of "I miss the past and what used to be," but after a few stanzas, the feeling of loss becomes repetitive!! I think you could benefit from adding more contrast, something that shakes the reader a little. I don't feel your connection to Paris, just a generic sense of it that anyone could have.

^^^ Similar note: Your imagery is all well-worn images, and while they’re iconic, they can feel like low-hanging fruit. You might want to dig deeper into more personal, lesser-known aspects of the city to make your poem stand out ~~ Like, what corners of Paris do you know that others might not? What tiny details have you noticed that reveal its character beyond the tourist landmarks? Paris is a huge city, so there has to be something deeper to use, something that's less cliche!!

This was beautiful though!! There's a timeless quality to this poem, and I can imagine someone reading it decades from now and still feeling that same tug of nostalgia I felt. Aaa!! Again, this is truly just beautiful!! Amazing work here!!

- Payton

Hey there, KaavyaK!

Q here to review your poem today. I was excited to see a poem about France in the Green Room!

I think it's really interesting to take a look at a city that has frankly been around a really long time, to think about the changes that have taken place, some of them reflected in the world at large -- like carriages to subways.

It seems like you've definitely done some research. For example, I had never once heard the name "Lutetia"! But, once I looked it up, I wondered a bit about you using it. It looks like that was the city where Paris is now, but like, a LONG long time ago, like way before what we think of as Paris.

You talk later in the poem about princes and carriages, which makes me think the poem is partially about Renaissance Paris, maybe a period of courtley love, or like Paris under a monarchy, and what I found from a quick search on Lutetia seems a lot older than that, so I guess it feels a little out of place to call back to it.

I felt a similar way about using the Eiffel tower as a symbol:

Your commander Eiffel stands straight and tall,
I used to talk to him, he is a friend to all.
My old friend Eiffel has witnessed many melodramas,
He has seen the Prince's love for the daughter of the farmer.

...the Eiffel tower is actually *relatively* new. It was completed in 1889, when there actually wasn't a king ruling at the time (thanks Google!). And, it feels strange to talk about the Eiffel tower being like an established thing watching progress happen, because at the time, it WAS progress, and a lot of people had really negative reactions towards it! So to me, it reads as almost a symbol of modernity, not of Paris being old.

I like the idea of researching some major parts of the city and including them, like Sacré-Cœur (one of my absolute favorite landmarks in the city!!), but it might help to be a little more cohesive. Of course, it's a poem, not a history assignment, so you don't need to go into intense detail about each one! But, it feels like the names were just sprinkled in to make the poem seem, well, French. I'd like to see a more purposeful use of specific landmarks!

Outside of the landmarks, the changes seem a little vague to me as well. Things like, "But these streets are not same as before," when you could say they paved over cobblestone or something a little more specific to help us see how the city has modernized!

Some of the other ideas are also broad, like relationships changing, carriages getting an upgrade, etc. That kind of stuff happened around the world, so again, it doesn't feel as much like an ode to Paris! But I do like the concepts you're working with, all the while trying to incorporate a rhyme scheme. It's a tall order to tackle all of the changes and a fixed form!

I have some ideas about ways you can get more specific in some places: "Still, I can hear the screams of struggle," --> I wonder if you're talking about the French revolution? It would be pretty easy to talk about the guillotine or something to get that specificity! And for this one, "Young kids talk about old things," you could talk about kids using verlain, a kind of French slang that turns normal language on its head.

If you're focusing in on a country and city, there's a TON of material out there to draw from! It just feels like the poem isn't connected to Paris at the moment except in a sort of name-dropping way.

I would also love to hear more of a take on these changes! You end with,

I guess, not much has changed, but I still miss,
The Old Paris.

Not sure why not much has changed since we just talked about how much has changed? And, if the narrator definitively misses the "Old Paris," I just would love to have a stronger sense throughout the poem of, well, why readers should fall in love with the old city. What's something enticing or romantic about that history that feels cheapened today?

I feel like you almost get to it here:

The oaths which were sworn, from processions to marriages,
These days its all and only about extravagant candle light dates.

It seems like a contrast between the pomp and parade and court-oriented stuff of history compared to a sort of fictionalized version of the city. I really do appreciate that contrast and the way you bring it up, and I think it could really be something worth digging into!

I hope this helps. I appreciate you appreciating France! I always enjoy the subject. I hope I didn't nerd out too much in this review, haha, but let me know if you ever want to talk more about France!

Bonne journée!

-Q