To the Duke,
Both flying ashes and cigarettes turn into smoke,
How can I let you touch the heart someone else broke.
Winter Hellebores and he, did not return from the goodbyes,
Fathom the constellations, the corset I wear is not for thine eyes.
Blooming Amaryllis evinced his shadow into light,
He had a Cranberry sword, for you cannot be My knight.
A simple soldier he was, hither you are a puissant Duke,
His eyes met mine like paint on paper, brush strokes fluke.
Tides do not fly to the Moon for the twinclian stars embedded,
I prefer an armour over a crown, over Amethyst and Jet threaded.
Parchment piles and no ink, the feathers are half broken,
He had promised to return, came an empty horse as a token.
Your majesty, a white wedding gown you ask me to wear,
While the white Roses I offered at the grey stone are yet to tear.
Please, invite all the peasants and behead me before the sunset,
Before there is Rust on the Roses, so they can forget the brunette.
- Your fiancée
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,740 Reviews
hey hey! ^_^
a new day, a new poetry review!!
thoughts
[1] the atmosphere here is so dramatic and romantic! the poem feels like a letter from someone trapped between duty and mourning, and we love the contrast between courtly images like Duke, fiancée, white wedding gown, peasants, and behead me versus the softer grief imagery of flowers, ashes, roses, and an empty horse. it gives the poem a tragic feeling! we went into it unsure what to expect, but we are surprised!
[2] the speaker’s loyalty to the absent soldier is very clear and effective. He had promised to return, came an empty horse as a token is SUCH a strong line because it says so much without explaining too much. we also loved I prefer an armour over a crown, because it shows the narrator rejecting status and comfort for grief, memory, and maybe even battle. we love the battle idea in particular, it feels very knightly and medieval!
suggestions
[1] the diction is beautiful, but it sometimes becomes too ornate to follow. words like thine, hither, puissant, evinced create an old-world tone, but they don’t always blend naturally with the rest of the poem. we think the poem would be stronger if the archaic language were either used more consistently OR more strategically.
[2] there are so many gorgeous symbols here, but some of them feel mysterious in a way that makes the poem harder to follow. the emotion is clear, but the symbols crowd each other a bit. we would've liked to see you choosing a few central images and letting them repeat/evolve, and that could help make the grief of the narrator more logical.
overall, this is lush and very cinematic!! the narrator voice feels noble and heartbroken, and we enjoyed reading this!!!
~ adore
Thank you so much!
Have a great day ahead...
Hey there, Kaavya! This is Alex, back with a review. It's been a while now, how have you been? I haven't reviewed poetry for quite some time so I may be rusty (quite fitting for the title though haha) but I REALLY liked this poem and just couldn't hold back. Let's see what we've got here~
Firstly, the premise and formatting is stellar thinking! It's presented as a letter, written from a knight's widow to a Duke, who is now seeking her hand in marriage after her husband untimely demise. The situation actually reminds me a of Catherine Parr's situation where Henry the VIII (the king) proposed to her a few months after her husband (here a noble but the power dynamic is similiar to that of a knight). The reactions are very different though, as Catherine had complied without resistance while the narrator here shall die before forsaking her love like that. One formatting advice I'd give though- keep the poem center aligned. I think it'd replicate the look of a scroll text of old times and compliment well with the sender and receiver at the beginning and end quite beautifully by establishing a level gradient, symbolic of difference, and flow of time as one reads. Right now, the fiancee ends seems to be 'hanging' and while that is its own way of being creative, it stands out in a way that reduces the overall impact. It might work better even if the 'fiancee' bit was left aligned. I get that the present style is technically the most correct, it just doesn't look right to me. But that's such a personal take, you may keep it this way if you really wish to!
I see your typical rhyme pattern! Long sentences with tricky syllables but a couplet that always works. It seems effortless, that really adds a gentle touch to the work. Just one nitpick here- the first line feels a little too generic, probably thought of just to fit the rhyming criteria. I'm guilty of doing this myself back in the day so I won't hold it against you, but how about I help you out? We need to keep smoke in the game, so that the rhymes flow- no problem. I think something like 'her home or dreams of one' with her lover went into smoke would feel more fitting here? I'll leave the specifics to you, but something along those lines would work best.
As much as I LOVED the phrase, I believe it has to go. There's such a fine line in poetry- elaborate imagery or descriptions and I expressing yourself in the least words possible. The 'fathom the constellations' is contradicting both. Let me explain by the example what I think could be a better line here- 'The ivory corset I wear, is not for this greedy eyes'. As you can see here, I have added two adjectives here that give a sense of visualization to the poem and takes away the distraction the phrase was earlier acting as. Oh it worked, and well by giving a rawness by suggesting a natural reaction to perhaps the narrator catching the Duke suddenly staring at her. But you got to choose the best, why settle for fine when it could be wonderful?
Hmm.. this is tricky. The imagery is good effort, but it doesn't seem to belong. I while you could do away with white and replace grey stone with grave, something simple does the most.
This is great, but I think I have a more dramatic version!
I beseech thy kind Majesty, behead me at Sunset
Before there is rust on the roses, bury this brunette
I think the most appealing traits of the poem would have to be it's vocabulary- that I enjoy every time (despite having to look up most of them). I love how your specific knowledge about flowers come in real handy, with each poem at least featuring 2-3 of them, this one included. I've seen your works as deeply personal or specific, and while it is still the later, it has stepped away from the former. Heartache is relatable but this present situation just can't be- and yet it does not prevent the reader from connecting with the distant idea. That's owing to another thing this poem mastered - storytelling and imagery, each very skillfully executed. While the story is firm and establishes autonomy, without being revolting or angry, it weaves so many metaphors and beautiful descriptions, whithout suffocating in them. It's clear that despite stepping out of your comfort zone of vague real time relatable romance, you've still managed not to stumble in the very least. That's commendable writing! I do feel it's time to step ahead from these simplistic couplet rhymes to more complex forms now, but obviously it's your call of when and if. The small improvements I've suggested, I hope they prove helpful. It has been a pleasure reading and reviewing, hope you publish more soon.
Love,
Alex
Thank you so much Alex!
Your reviews always have the best advices.
Have a great day ahead...
Ohh that is a nice line: "I prefer an armour over a crown, over Amethyst and Jet threaded."
Yay you posted it!! I like the vibes and I love the sarcastic "your fiancée" at the end of this very polite and lyrical "this why i dont love you" speech~
Also curious that you striked through the title drop in the poem!
Hope you get a ton of reviews coz I wanna read everyone's interpretations!
Thank you so much!
Oh I just felt that a strike on the title would look cool. So no particular meaning behind it!
Have a great day ahead...