We used to play together with a deck of 52,
Oh Grandpa I miss you.
We used to laugh and I shared my problems,
I used to tell you and you gave funny solutions.
I miss you now that you left my side,
But on that day, I never cried.
That special day when you became a star,
Your absence has left a deep scar.
We used to play together with a deck of 52,
Oh Grandpa I miss you.
When I tell my younger cousin that you have become a star,
He looks at the sky asking me where you are.
Now tell me what should I answer him,
His innocent eyes asking for an answer, shining grim.
He does not know sad reality,
He is smiling and he does not understand the gravity.
We used to play with a deck of 52,
Oh Grandpa we miss you.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,024 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
This is a very heartfelt and relatable piece. Your poem capture this poignant feeling of love and loss. The repetition you used here, it adds a rhythm which puts the readers into an emotional trance. Thanks for sharing such a deep moment of Poetry, hope u continue to write forever!
Thank you!
Wow! you have definately done an amazing job writing this poem. This poem was extremely touching! you can feel the emotions by reading the poem! amazing keep up the good work!
Thank you!
You can feel the grief of this poem. I agree with aquarious that the repeating lines about playing cards are one of the best features of this poem. It really gets right to the center of how loss feels. You miss the little things and often your dearest memory of a departed one is so trivial and yet so all important. I still think of riding the lawn mower first when I think of my dead grandfather. Your expression brought back that grief but also that comfort.
I feel quite conflicted about criticizing this poem, as this is obviously close to your heart and written with deep emotion, but we are all here to improve so here goes.I think the third and fourth line are the weakest part of this poem as they do not rhyme at all. Something like "We used to joke and I could tell you my troubles;Because when you spoke they burst like bubbles" But that may not include everything you wanted to say about your grandpa so I in no way want to say this is "better" just more rhyme-y so you can get a feel for what the difference in reading the poem is like.
Other then those two lines I feel the poem flows well and nothing else tripped me up whilst reading it, which is quite the feat considering how emotional the subject matter is. My favorite part must be lines five to eight ("I miss you now ... deep scar") , I think they flow phenomenally well into each other whilst bringing across that dark feeling of loss perfectly and tying into the title of this poem.
I definitively liked this poem as it resonated with me on a deep personal level and I think it will do this for everyone who has lost someone before, especially someone as close as a family member.
Thank you!
This poem was really touching. I can relate to it since I also lost my grandpa. I like how you added in activities you did together. The repeating lines really emphasized the emotion and gave the poem a soul of it's own. I like how it rhymes. I think my favorite line is "When I tell my younger cousin that you have become a star." Really great job.
Thank you!
Hey there, KaavyaK!
Hope you're having a lovely day.
I just wanted to stop by and review this poem. I found it really touching, especially the second half with the younger cousin. </3 I thought that was a really sweet and heartbreaking way to convey the loss and the struggle to communicate about it!
Repetition
First, I wanted to start out by discussing the lines you start with and repeat twice throughout the poem.
I thought this was a really sweet couplet and I can definitely imagine a grandpa playing cards with his grandkid.
But, I'm not sure that the lines have the effect that they could have, for two reasons.
First, the poem doesn't talk about playing cards at all! While I love what the poem does talk about, it was hard for me to connect the image of playing cards to the relationship shown in the rest of the poem. If the first half of the poem was focused on playing cards -- maybe the grandpa smiles over his cards, the two always discuss problems over a game, so it's all linked for the narrator -- then it would feel like the "deck of 52" is more closely tied to the narrator's relationship with their grandpa.
Second, I'm not sure that the lines need to be repeated two times. They make for a good break in the middle, but they might have more impact if they're only at the beginning and end. It would be interesting to see how the poem transforms the lines from beginning to end, too, by revealing their significance before repeating them. Just a thought!
Rhymes
I noticed you used a rhyme scheme with rhyming couplets in some parts of the poem, and I thought that was neat! Star and scar are a nice rhyming set.
However, I'm not sure that this poem necessarily needs it -- you have a nice layout with two even parts of the poem, and I think that structure does a lot of working helping to shape the poem.
Since the rhymes aren't always consistent, like with problems and solutions being paired together, I wonder if it might expand the images you could use if you aren't constrained to rhyming couplets. Then, if you wanted to keep something like star/scar, that could stand out in its own way!
It might help make some lines more natural, like "deck of 52" or "shining grim," if you didn't have to keep the last word consistent with the rhyme. Or you could do the opposite, and push the rhyme scheme further! It's up to you.
Theme
I think you really did a nice job with the way you talk about the passing of a loved one.
I like the image of the narrator and grandfather laughing together a lot, and I think it would be nice to see more of that relationship in the poem. The poem moves pretty quickly into the loss of the grandfather, but I think any imagery devoted to building the relationship before the loss -- like playing cards, laughing, solving problems, going on walks -- would help the readers feel the loss a little more.
I think in this stanza, I felt the loss a whole lot more! It was really well done.
One thing that could be interesting to see come back is maybe the narrator crying over having to explain, because they didn't cry on the day of the loss; would be interesting to see them mourning later on!
And also the idea of the grandfather becoming a literal star is lovely. <3
----
Overall, I think you did a nice job on this poem! You've got rhymes, repetition, and a really interesting structure to it. You play off of two different relationships with two loved ones to show a loss, and I think that was really effective.
I would love to see more scenes or memories between the narrator and their grandfather, to build up the relationship more, especially if the scenes involved playing cards to really tie it together.
Thanks for sharing this poem! Let me know if you have any questions, and happy writing.
-Q
Thank you!