Clouds and fog mimic our faded love and memories,
The burning rive sun forcing me deep in my reveries.
Winter is gone but the water lilies are still frozen,
Wrangling into vineyards purely made of cozen.
Writing on folio about the dead and buried,
The past echoes which have already been ferried.
My eyes are flooded at night, drowned in melancholy,
Daylight drought spreads across, dry tears painted by Dali.
My sunshine - daisy, why did you refuse to pay the price,
You said anything is fair in love and war, for those who can sacrifice.
Moonlit nights when my heart was a cracked rath,
The moon is gone and candlelight refuses to show the path.
The blossoms won't grow any more, fallen down like tears,
Errs that I committed shall not be repeated for years.
Fireflies repair my heart with their bright blaze,
But the capillaries are bound to break, for the soul is set ablaze.
Morning sunshine heartening like rosy - red strawberries,
Dusk transpires dampening my eyes, rewinding souvenir diaries.
Happy and joyful ocean is now just a small lake,
Tides of a Shattered Heart leading to a never ending ache.
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Canary word: Present
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125,024 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
Hello, My Friend!
I hope you are doing well this day/night. It's me, Raven, and upon discovering this gem deep in the Green Room, I hoped to give it the attention it deserves with a quick review! Hope you don't mind.
To start, this poem is downright gorgeous!! Through this beautiful imagery of nature, it feels like you're telling us a story about a heartbreak and accompanying sorrow that has gone uncured. I also really enjoyed the theme of water you went with. I'm imagining this sorrowful, fading ocean, those frozen waterlilies, the reflection of the moon and the fireflies on the water...I mean, it's so somber yet so beautiful!
*ahem* As far as a technical review goes, I don't really have much to nitpick here. Nice metric, great wording, not a typo in sight. Maybe putting a question mark where the question is posed to "daisy," but of course, grammar rules in poetry are so hotly debated as it is, it still looks fine without.
As for favorite parts, ooo...I would have to go with:
Right off the bat, you establish the theme and draw that comparison of nature to love, very nice. I also like how the sun and similar elements are portrayed here—one moment it's warm and beautiful, comforting in a way, but the next thing you know, it starts to burn and you can't stand it. That in and of itself feels like such an appropriate allegory for love!
Tying in to my last point, I love how the "sunshine" is represented by the "daisy" here, as it gives it even deeper meaning, and the warm visuals it evokes are such a contrast to the coldness of the rest of the piece. Plus, what an eerie line, "anything is fair in love and war, for those who can sacrifice."
Overall, this poem was amazing! Nicely done!
"They who dream by day are cognizant of many things which escape those who dream only by night."
"Words have no power to impress the mind without the exquisite horror of their reality.”
"I would define, in brief, the poetry of words as the rhythmical creation of Beauty."
Thank you so much!
Hey, there! Saw this in the green room, and I'm leaving ya a review today!
The concept you used in this poem is interesting. "Tides of a shattered heart" evokes fascinating imagery. This poem also used a lot of imagery in references to water and flowers: water lillies, blossoms, daisy, and rosy-red are some words that I picked out for the botanical themed imagery. For the water imagery, the title is the most obvious example, but you mention a lake at least twice. Also, if you want to count it with water imagery, there are multiple mentions of tears, too.
I get the impression that this poem is meant to convey the idea of looking back at something (maybe a relationship?) that had many beautiful elements, but it has been lost, and now the narrator looks back and feels sad and empty in its absence. Also, one of the things that comes to me now but I didn't notice right away is the idea of "tides" as an emotional concept. A tide ebbs and flows, and similarly, the ache of the narrator's heart may come and go, more intense at some times than others.
I did pick up on something of a rhyme scheme, and I always admire poets who go for this. It can be really difficult to get the words to serve you. I'm not sure the rhythm and meter are perfect, but a lot of mine need work, too. Sometimes I am willing to sacrifice a bit in that area to get just the word or phrasing I want (not sure whether that's good or bad lol).
I noticed that you used some unfamiliar words. This has pros and cons. Unique wording can be a poet's playground, but you also risk losing or confusing the reader. In the case of this poem, I personally did not know some of the words you used, and I'd venture to say they're uncommon enough that they took me out of the poem to wonder what they meant. So I'm not going to say don't use unique words, but just keep in mind that you may lose your reader. Some might stop in the middle of the poem to look up words, which distracts from the overall meaning and intent of the poem as a whole. Or if a reader reads the poem, looks up the unfamiliar words, then goes back and rereads, it may make more sense and be easier to get the message you're trying to convey. Either way, just be aware of the cons.
Thanks for sharing this piece, and keep up the good work!
Thank you!