Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for mature content.
I want to be your Lover but Lust is taking over,
I want to be your Lover but Lust is taking over.
---
Baby don't lie,
Baby don't lie.
You also want it don't deny.
Just accept it,
The more you tempt me,
Let's attempt it.
-----
Let me embrace you,
I'll speed up my love-pace.
I see your red cheeks, your red face,
You are so flustered but that too with grace.
-----
I want to devour those lips and kiss your back,
I want to be your slave and I swear I won't slack.
Hands on your waist and our lips attached,
Make you say baby don't leave any gap.
-----
I saw you,
Not much just a sneaky peek,
To my touch your body speaks,
I kiss your cheeks and you know what I seek.
-----
Baby don't lie,
Baby don't lie.
You also want it don't deny.
Just don't defy,
We can enjoy this night,
Don't be shy.
---
Love me, I want to tame you,
Give in, don't forget its never going to be the same.
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140,265 Literary Works • 673,077 Reviews
Hey there!
Ah, some of the classic topics of romantic poetry - sex, intimacy, lust, and love. Every poet has to experiment and play around with their own methods of describing and writing about physical sensations and responses to being attracted to another person. It’s clear from the get go that your narrator is quite passionately attracted to the subject, possibly to the point of being driven to distraction.
You have a simple style of writing here that is very direct. There isn’t really any metaphor or imagery to it, as it is more a speech to the reader. Honestly, it can be a little abrupt and comes on a little strong. The whole trope of cat and mouse dynamics are a little outdated and it isn’t necessarily a message that comes across as romantic and intimate. I don’t think it’s necessarily what you intended, because it seems like your narrator is very devoted and attracted to the subject.
However, the language and tone of convincing someone to have sex with you isn’t really sexy at all and feels a little insincere and disingenuous.
If we don’t know what the narrator likes about the person they’re writing about, it’s hard to feel connected and makes the narrator’s tone a little less effective.
I think something that would help this effect would be to focus more on how the subject makes the narrator feel beyond turned on. What physical and emotional responses do they have to the idea of being intimate with the subject? What are the intangible parts of the dynamic described that make it so exciting and intense? Metaphor and imagery are your friends here!
One last thought, You’ve got quite a bit of repetition here that falls a little flat for me as a reader. I think you could cut down and combine a lot of this and still get your point across.
Happy editing!
- Sizzle
Thank you so much Sizzle, in reality I want to show that only, how loving someone is not only because of love, and how it hurts the other person. I have written all sorts of poems connecting to love and this is just a part of the collection.
Thank you so much Sizzle, in reality I want to show that only, how loving someone is not only because of love, and how it hurts the other person. I have written all sorts of poems connecting to love and this is just a part of the collection.
hi KaavyaK! i'm here to review your poem!
it sets the tone for the rest of the poem. how it explores physical sensations and desires in detail but doesn't actually talk about emotions or love. i'm not sure if you meant that in a positive way or a negative way XD oh, and i also noticed how you chose the genre "fantasy" for it. maybe that's because it's part of a novel or something but i read way too much into that. sometimes we really want someone, and its all a fantasy that we make up because it can never be real.first of all, i love the starting
the next stanza, i think you could stop the third line at "you also want it" and then in the next line you say "don't deny it" it would sound better. like this if i'm getting confusing
personally i think it sounds great this way. "tempt" and "attempt" come together nicely in those last two lines.
i really like this stanza,
but what if you put an "i'll" at the start of the last line? then it would become,
in the next stanza, i think "to my touch your body speaks" this line could be changed a little bit because it feels awkward to me this way.
the last stnaza, i love the "love me, i want to tame you" bit but i think the ending could be made more impactful while letting the meaning remain the same. i'm not sure how though. maybe play around with the wording?
overall, i enjoyed this poem. have a nice day!
Thank you so much!