Hey there!
Ah, some of the classic topics of romantic poetry - sex, intimacy, lust, and love. Every poet has to experiment and play around with their own methods of describing and writing about physical sensations and responses to being attracted to another person. It’s clear from the get go that your narrator is quite passionately attracted to the subject, possibly to the point of being driven to distraction.
You have a simple style of writing here that is very direct. There isn’t really any metaphor or imagery to it, as it is more a speech to the reader. Honestly, it can be a little abrupt and comes on a little strong. The whole trope of cat and mouse dynamics are a little outdated and it isn’t necessarily a message that comes across as romantic and intimate. I don’t think it’s necessarily what you intended, because it seems like your narrator is very devoted and attracted to the subject.
However, the language and tone of convincing someone to have sex with you isn’t really sexy at all and feels a little insincere and disingenuous.
If we don’t know what the narrator likes about the person they’re writing about, it’s hard to feel connected and makes the narrator’s tone a little less effective.
I think something that would help this effect would be to focus more on how the subject makes the narrator feel beyond turned on. What physical and emotional responses do they have to the idea of being intimate with the subject? What are the intangible parts of the dynamic described that make it so exciting and intense? Metaphor and imagery are your friends here!
One last thought, You’ve got quite a bit of repetition here that falls a little flat for me as a reader. I think you could cut down and combine a lot of this and still get your point across.
Happy editing!
- Sizzle
Points: 2474
Reviews: 357
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