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140,369 Literary Works • 673,125 Reviews
Yams here for a review!
I felt like everything after the fourth paragraph was weaker than the rest. The imagery kind of leaves and it just goes on to stuff we've heard before. I don't think I've heard "skins of an onion" before.
I'm supposing "shad" is supposed to be "shade".
The "Ugh!" at the end really makes it less poetic and it just feels stupid to have it there. Anyone can do an "Ugh!" for a line and it feels unnecessary.
Have a great day!
This is really good. One minor spell check before the juicy stuff- I think it needs to be "shade" of red and not "shad"
Moving on, I got some different vibes here. I am guessing it was about card games, poker maybe, and you were cheating. And you stopped saying sorry for cheating people out of their money so you accepted all of this guilt that destroyed you. if that was the vibe you were trying to put out, than great job. If not, try making it a little more clear.
It was really great though. You did wonderfully.
Actually, it was not poker. The narrator was going to cheat and actually did without getting caught, but that was only because they got destroyed in the first place.
This is really good .. so good job keep making more.