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139,468 Literary Works • 672,573 Reviews
Okay, I really really really like this. This concept is so interesting. I can't wait to read more. It's just a fun topic. I wish you didn't explain how they looked like so much. Still good though.
I'd like to thank everyone for all of the great reviews! I'm glad that there are so many great people out there!
Hey, HolographicLadybug, MissLyricz is here to give you a review!
Your story had a very interesting beginning, I found it rather mysterious and it sounds as though it will head in a fascinating direction.
Plot: It started off very mellow at the start and then all of a sudden, the magic appeared and fantastical characters were introduced. I was not at all expecting such a beginning and I must say, the plot was so fascinating.
Pace: It was smooth and steady and the intensity piqued when the magic was unleashed. You clearly had a strong idea of how to introduce the magical characters, great job!
Description: You had a very specific imagination, as you described the appearance of the stadium and the appearances of the two magical women when they were introduced. You have a strong sense of description and I highly commend you for that, my friend.
All in all, your story was well written and well organized, wonderful work!
MissLyricz x
Hey HolographicLadybug,
Myjaspercat here to give you a review on one of these amazing review days...
First thing first, welcome to YWS. It's really a pleasure to see new and fresh faces (ok, maybe just profile pics) but you know. Ok, I'll stop rambling and get on with the review.
And with that ends the line-by-line. Overall this is an interesting piece but I do think that it needs work, like most new ideas do. One of your main issues is that you show rather then tell. Try not to do that. If you do have any questions feel free to ask, I'm here to help. Good luck and continue writing.
Hello, Ladybug. I'll be reviewing this work today.
I don't know why, but the fact that "At last," and "the last," are right next to each other bothers me. It might just be me but it'd be nice if you could change it to "Finally," or "After what seemed like forever..." instead because you don't want it to feel too repetitive. For me, that just gets on my nerves. Try, in the future, to not use the same phrases or words in a row, believe it or not some people might be able to tell.
I was thinking about this "star on her forehead" thing. Elaborate, please? That'd be nice. Was it a charm? A pin? Face paint? I'd like to know. When writing, it's nice to be specific enough so people aren't dying to wait for you to explain later on.
Maybe "as" instead of "and." You are talking about the golden stardust shimmering down while/as the audience held their breaths.
Right now, you are at a perfect start in your novel/chapter. I think it's taking off well and can go far with the right attention and care. Just focus on showing, not telling (which you're doing a great job on) and this will be great.
I don't normally review novels, but I stopped by here and immediately got hooked. I was already interested by the title "Lumia." Before I had even read the first word of your novel, I was already wondering and had thoughts running in my head. Having a good title goes well for intriguing readers in.
I'm just wondering though: who are those two women? Maybe, if you decide not to introduce them completely in this chapter, you could describe and elaborate more on to what they look like, etc. You don't want your readers to not know who the main characters are, do you? Unless, of course, they aren't the main characters...
Also, your description on the surroundings was off to a great start! Keep that up and it will turn into a great novel.
Well, I best be off now, and happy Review Day!~
Sunset
Thanks!
Time will tell about the two women......
Oohh.... Could you tell me when the next chapter comes out? I might be hooked.....
The next is out and Lumia 3 will arrive shortly. (Sorry about the long delay in answering.)
Hi there. Pomp here for a quick review~
I've never heard of anyone hoarding chairs. Did you mean 'horde'? If you did, then I don't think you can really use that word here, considering 'horde' is a word only applicable to a crowd of people or, really, a large group of anything that eats, breathes, poops and performs other vital bodily functions. Typically, 'hoard' is a word used for a collection of cherished items, or items of some significance which do not come into daily use.
I'll cut the ramble short: Some other word might be more appropriate here.
So, I read The Night Circus a while back, and to be honest, my mind immediately swerved in that direction when I saw the word 'circus'. I don't know if I should be intrigued or not. There's really not much for me to go by here, and I feel like this chapter--prologue?--does not act as a hook at all. I'm not fond of prologues, generally, especially when they seem to exist only to build up intrigue, because they are effectively pointless. A good prologue is tricky to write; my idea of a good prologue is a piece of writing that does not just thrill, but contains an important plot-element that eventually twines itself with the main story.
As a first chapter, however, this lacks several key elements: You don't need to begin with the conflict, but it's good to introduce and establish who the main characters are. It's also good to make your setting and your intro more solid--yeah, there's a stadium, but where's it at? Who are the spectators? There's nothing particularly special that makes me want to keep going, and because your first chapter is vital in gaining the attention of your readers + acting as a representative for the rest of your novel, it needs to have a lot more grit.
Besides this, the show in itself, and the description comprising said show, did not really enthral me to the degree I was expecting. If you want your readers to develop an interest in the circus, it needs to be convincing enough a feat--something that you would /really/ want to read about. I'd suggest on playing with the description, adding some sensory detail, having the audience's reactions mentioned as well as the interaction of the characters with the environment. Don't rush through things. The pace should be steady; a fleeting scene is never the nicest place to begin a story.
I am intrigued as to what this story will be like, don't get me wrong. I'd like to see what you do with this, because circus-related fantastical stories aren't the kind I come across all too often. Lumia is also a nice name for a circus--a tad modern, and I've never been to a circus in my life, but--this stands well as the barebones for something you could keep working on.
Keep writing!
Happy Review Day~
~Pomp
I fixed the hoard thing when I first submitted this. I had seen it and fixed it right away. I'm wondering why you've seen it, though. I had even changed the 'hoard' to 'horde' then to 'gathering'. I'm not quite sure why you still see it.....
Thanks for the review and time will tell........
Hi HolographicLadybug, Felistia here with a review on the first chapter of your novel.
Firstly love the name, it is very intriguing to me. Now on with the review.
The Story: I don't know much about the story at this point in time since the chapter is quite short, but you definitely will see me reading the second chapter since you sort of left this chapter with a cliff hanger. I look forward to reading the next one.
The Characters: Since I don't know much about the story, I don't know who the characters are yet, though I am guessing that they are people in the middle of the stage.
The Setting: The setting was by far the best part of this chapter for me. The way you described the circus setting was magical and very beautiful, leaving a very clear picture in my head. You also did a good job on describing what the people coming into the circus looked like and how they were feeling. My favourite part of the description was the snakes near the end.
I can't find any grammar problems and the sentence stricter doesn't seem to have any problems either. Over all a very nice chapter and I look forward to seeing more. Never stop writing and I hope you have a great day\night.
(Victory cheer!)
Ha ha! Thanks so much!
Things will come.... Things will come.....
(Backflips away)
Hey it's Freya here for a review!
The beginning of this was very clear and interesting. The creepy, lonely stage and anxious spectators. It made me curious to see what would happen. I love the entire circus theme, even though I don't know what's going on yet.
"At last, the last few trickled in and the lights on their side dimmed."
This sentence threw me off. It sounded like the lights on the sides of the people dimmed.
"A figure suddenly dropped from the ceiling. They wore a deep lavender cloak and had light brown hair like dust in the wind. She possessed pale skin and a star the size of someone’s palm on her forehead. She raised her hands as if casting a great spell and looming music thundered from every direction. It seemed to be coming from the air itself."
This is super interesting to me. It's descriptive and paints a nice picture for me. It should say "She wore a deep lavender cloak..." instead of They. Also, I would like to know how she dropped from the ceiling. Like she's flying, suspended by a rope? No rope and she actually is flying? Descending gently?
"Shapes seemed to form from the golden shimmer. They danced, flew, twirled, and dived before everyone’s eyes.
Elephants, daisies, violets, squids, rusty trains, boats, clouds, wolves, spirits, vampires, ladybugs, dragons….."
This confused me a bit. Is the dust forming into shapes and the shapes are dancing through the audience. If so, maybe show the wonderful and whimsical looks on the audiences faces.
I think that's all. I hope I wasn't being too nit-picky. I really love this idea. It interests me a great deal. Look forward to seeing more of my reviews in the future!
Hi! Thanks for the review! It was very helpful!
I just want to mention a few things:
The lights on the human side did dim.
I was a bit nervous about the figure thing, so I had changed part of it, so the 'they' part was probably left over from that. I'll fix that. : )
Also, the Mastress dropping to the ground thing is a mystery...... (Cue mysterious music)
I hope my words came out right!
Thanks!
~Holographic Ladybug
Awesome! I'm glad I helped. It certainly was a mystery so keep up the good work!