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Hello HolographicLadybug! I really liked this chapter. I think it's a great introduction to the story, and I hope to read more of it soon. I love how Angeni and Spade's personalities sort of clash and the end of the chapter makes me want to read more.
Now for some hopefully helpful and constrictive criticism:
I would like to have seen Spade's character developed a bit more before Angeni comes along. Also, even though Spade is clearly pretty apathetic, when he sees Angeni he displays an emotion of shock that only lasts for a brief period of time. I think he would be a bit more creeped out by the phenomenon that is this floating girl. But instead he seems uninterested. I just think that someone who dislikes life so much would take a little interest in Angeni, since she's basically a miracle.
Overall, great intro and even better idea.
Hey! Care for a review?
'Spade hook his head, ridding his mind of the memories and glared at the cars from the corner of his eye.'
I like the characters you've introduced here. Their contrasting personalities are fun to read, and the way you let them bounce off each other instead of forcing an interaction is really well done! I also think it's kind of funny that Angeni was so excited to meet Spade, but didn't know his name.
I also like your way with words here. Good use of analogies and metaphors to spice it up!
One thing I might have liked is if we had gotten some actual story in this chapter. We met Spade and Angeni, but didn't really learn anything about either except that Spade was unhappy. Is there any reason he's down in the dumps, or is he just pessimistic? Did he recently move to live over the bakery? Some back ground would be appreciated, but do really like the characters, and I think they have great potential!
There are a few grammatical errors here, so I'll try to save space.
Spoiler
I think you meant 'shook,' not 'hook.'
'"Hello!" he chirped. "I am Angeni, your Spirit Guardian!"'
'She.'
'Spade stared at the floating girl (Angeni?) in astonishment.'
'This. . . Angeni looked at Spade with expectation, looking super happy to meet him.'
I think that with the pause in the second sentence, Angeni could just be described as 'the floating girl' in the first one.
"I'm sur you have some questions! I'm your Spirit Guardian, in case it didn't sink in the first time."
'Sure'
Overall a great start to a story! If you write any more, I'd love to read it!
Keep up the good work!
Thanks for the review! There will be more story in future chapters and we will learn more about them.
Thanks again!
Hola HolographicLadybug =) This sounds like it could turn into a very imaginative and cool story! Using Angeni as Spade's character foil is really interesting, as they are such complete opposites, and I'm sure that there's some interesting times ahead for the two of them XD. However, (and there is always a however) a couple things could be written a bit better to really make this story pop.
First of all, maybe just to a re-read and correct any grammatical or spelling mistakes. In a story everything has to be perfect and professional, and having even one spelling mistake is very annoying to both me (yeah, total grammar and spelling police here =P) and other readers. Secondly, I'm not getting very drawn into the story. It is an awesome idea, but it needs more. Let's start with Spade. Imagine Spade in some different circumstances before writing about him, and make sure you have a good grip on what he looks like. Make him a backstory (not essential, but a very good idea to have at least some snippets of his life before the story. 1, you can use them if you need flashbacks later and 2, even if you don't write them down, having a good background on your character can make him/her easier to write and more rounded.) This technique can be used on any of the main people in your story. Backdrop people usually don't need such extravagance. Another thing, this story seems to be all bones and no meat. I can't really explain this well, but it's important. Novels have to be more than just a string of events to really pull your reader in.
I hope I have helped you (and not confused you too much =P) and if you'd like some writing tips from a real author, check out this blog: http://www.helpingwritersbecomeauthors.com
I use it every once an a while, there is some awesome do's and don'ts to do with characters, setting, mood and generally everything for a story.
One more thing, don't stop writing! You have some amazing ideas here, they just need a little more time and care to grow into something amazing =)
Thank you so much for the review! It was really helpful and I will definitely take what you have to say into my work! : )