Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence and mature content.
Corrupt and destruct,
my mind orders me.
Toxic thoughts
turning fatal too fast to see.
A slash, a stab
and maybe even
a slice to the throat.
They're abandoned and forgotten,
their houses now remote.
So many unlawful
indecent bedding men...
Who hunt at night to catch
and torture them.
Eyes gouged out,
blood drained slowly.
The pain is unholy
and no one can comfort.
Screams echo in the night,
the moon like a beacon
for help that shall never overt.
For I am the reaper,
and I am ever so
the creeper.
Don't lead her on
just to be gone.
In the morning she wakes,
and realises he was just another
one of them fakes.
No mercy I shall give,
no daylight shall you see.
I shall do to you,
what they once tried with me.
It's time to teach you a lesson
of what real men should be.
She screams and pleads
yet no one hears.
You did it on purpose,
just to see her tears.
She was young, naive and trusting,
while you, the old man
stood there just... rusting.
Maybe in a dark ally
or on the backseat of a car.
Either one you chose
was not a choice for her.
She's scarred and damaged
both outside and in.
You caused her the torture
we all fear...
And yet still
manage to mirror.
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,781 Reviews
Great poem. I really liked the arrangement and the usage of rhyming words.I really liked this stanza:
She was young, naive and trusting,
while you, the old man,
stood there just.... rusting.
This sentence is great whan you read it aloud.Here is a stanza I dont really like, think of a way to improve it if you agree with me:
Toxic thoughts,
turning fatal to fast to see.
Maybe you could come up with a way to rearrange it to make it sound better.
A wonderful poem and I really look forward to reading more of your work.
-Anshira
Here are my three-ish lines that I felt needed a little tweak.
Just the length of this, I think you should turn it into two lines. Also put a comma.
Turning fatal,
too fast to see.
I feel like 'the pain is unholy' should be on the second line and that you should somehow write the line about comfort into the first. I know your rhyming isn't consistent but since the rhyme is right after one another this one shocks you a bit compared to the others.
I don't understand your final line of the whole poem but maybe that's just me.
Overall I really liked it.
Thankyou!
Wow. I truly felt the emotion you put into this. Through only a few words, you've shown so many feelings and conveyed stories that many can relate to, as well as relayed a message or two.
There's anger, there's vengeance, but most of all, there's a plea for understanding. You've captured this and expressed it remarkably well.
Originally, I was going to comment on how the flow seemed to fluctuate at times. However, I now see that this could be used to further exemplify the chaos at hand.
Way to go, Paige. I'm impressed! ^-^
I dig this one. Dark, disturbing, terrifying. Oh yeah, I felt the anger.... no the HATE coming from this poem. It was very emotional and intense. I really like how the reader was able to see the minds workings of the narrator. Awesome job! Thank you, that was very enjoyable.
I dig this one. Dark, disturbing, terrifying. Oh yeah, I felt the anger.... no the HATE coming from this poem. It was very emotional and intense. Thank you, that was very enjoyable.
Hi there. This was intense, I must say. But it was I believe rhythmic. It had a bit of a "beat" to it, somewhat like a song. It was very rough but I imagine that's how you intended it to be. What I liked was your choice of wording. It fit in with the whole concept of the piece and also added to it. This was very haunting and you could feel the feelings of anger and revenge through your words. Well done.
Corrupt and destruct,
my mind orders me.
Toxic thoughts
turning fatal too fast to see.
A slash, a stab
and maybe even
a slice to the throat.
They're abandoned and forgotten,
their houses now remote.
So many unlawful
indecent bedding men...
Who hunt at night to catch
and torture them.
Eyes gouged out,
blood drained slowly.
The pain is unholy
and no one can comfort.
Screams echo in the night,
the moon like a beacon
for help that shall never overt.
For I am the reaper,
and I am ever so
the creeper.
Don't lead her on
just to be gone.
In the morning she wakes,
and realises he was just another
one of them fakes.
No mercy I shall give,
no daylight shall you see.
I shall do to you,
what they once tried with me.
It's time to teach you a lesson
of what real men should be.
She screams and pleads
yet no one hears.
You did it on purpose,
just to see her tears.
She was young, naive and trusting,
while you, the old man
stood there just... rusting.
Maybe in a dark ally
or on the backseat of a car.
Either one you chose
was not a choice for her.
She's scarred and damaged
both outside and in.
You caused her the torture
we all fear...
And yet still
manage to mirror.
So, you basically copied the whole poem just to gain some points? Wow. Fair.
No my computer does this all the time.
Every review I go to do it takes the whole thing and puts it in my comment.
I'm talking to someone on YWS to get it sorted.
Ok.