Salutations. I have come hither to review!
I like the poem, and I think the content is good. However, some of the lines do really well at conveying the meaning, but some of them could be made better, more powerful. Some words are everyday, mundane words that are used to describe things that the narrator views as important and is presumably feeling a lot of emotion about. In order to make that reader understand that emotion, these could be reworded in more meaningful ways.
Tendrils of smoke billow out,
the window panes are smudged.
Soot stains the pure white outline,
of the house that time made still.
I feel as if the first line could be written better, to catch the readers' attention more. For instance, something like "fingers of smoke crawl around the door frame", some sort of metaphor that catches the attention of a reader.
The last line also sounds as if it could be worded better. It sounds a bit...stilted, perhaps. Mayhaps reword it to something such as "of the house that stands still in time", or something. Time making it still doesn't really make sense.
Walking down the borderline,
gunshots ring out loud.
Childrens cries haunt the town,
year in and year out.
"Childrens" needs an apostrophe before the "s".
Also, I would change the last line of this stanza. The imagery of this house is much more significant, to me, when the narrator is standing there, looking at the house. "Year in and year out" implies that the narrator is seeing it over time, that this is just a description of the house, which to me isn't as powerful as a person returning home after years away and looking at what has happened to the town.
Clouds cover the sun,
but heat still fills the street.
Flames are lighting up the land,
igniting that memory peak.
I'm not sure what you mean by "igniting that memory peak". Perhaps reword that to get your meaning across better?
Also, in the second line, I would suggest a word other than "fills", which sounds a bit dull. Perhaps "floods the street" or "shimmers in the air" or something.
Hills of green,
are turned to brass.
With all still staring out;
this passageway to living hell.
I'm not sure what the last two lines mean, exactly, with the semi-colon there. I imagine you are saying they are staring out the passageway to Hell (which, incidentally, I would suggest capitalizing), in which case the line would be better without a semi-colon.
Pain and sorrow made this place,
what it is today.
A site filled with memories,
from the people burned averse.
To me, "pain" and "sorrow" are weak words to describe the events here that made the place what it is. I would suggest something with more meaning contained in it, such as "tears" or "shattered hearts" or something. The same goes for "a site filled with memories". Perhaps "streets choked with forgotten stories" or something that conveys that sort of emotion and meaning.
Also, I don't think "averse" is the word you want here. Averse is an adjective meaning having an active feeling of repugnance or distaste, but here you want an adverb. I'm not really sure what you're trying to say with "averse", but there are certainly other words that would work better.
Frozen on the edge of home,
no one left to love.
I walk away from my home,
that time never let go.
Here, I would suggest changing one of the uses of "home". It sounds a bit repetitive the way it is. Perhaps "frozen on the edge of time" or something?
So, all in all, the poem is good, and has a lot of meaning. With more powerfully worded phrases, though, I think you have the potential to convey a lot more feeling and emotion and engage the reader more. Good luck with any future poems!
Points: 10056
Reviews: 92
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