Young Writers Society

Hey there *trumpets sounding* I have come to review!

So since it is a poem, there isn't much to quote, but I would like to make a few comments instead:

1. First thing, I noticed some attempted rhyme and some not. I understand that this is a poem and that literature is art and that art is interpretive and personal, but I do wish that you would pick either to rhyme or not rhyme- that is the question

2. When you did rhyme it was absolutely wonderful and I loved it. Rhyming helps to keep the reader's mind on task since the brain is constantly waiting to see what the next word will be. I will say, however, that the stanzas that didn't rhyme were pretty good too, I'm just a rhyming kind of person (your decision, it is good either way)

3. The ending was perfect and I love how you used the title as your last word (or your last word as your title)- it was wonderful and fit in perfectly with everything. it tied it all together- ahhhh! wonderful!

You have wonderful subject matter and a good idea down on the page, it is your choice what you chose to revise and edit- great job, though! Keep it up!

and as always, Happy Writing!

What a drivel. I slept while reading this boring poem.

Oh, hai. I'm going to drop a quick review on this one.

So I felt like the main issue in the piece was the fact that the entirety of this poem is being observed through a telescope. You had a topic in mind, yes, a certain piece of the sky that you wished to observe. You knew what you were looking at, and you knew what you wanted to say. But the scope was too broad; it was floating in air, and that's where I felt the narrator's voice got pretty weak, because while you speak generally about art/the picture people paint of themselves in order to appeal to society, etcetera ... this lacked substance. It lacked fire. I had to struggle to paint the scenes in my head; your imagery should be so strong as to allow the images to paint themselves. This might just be me, and I'm not particularly fond of the writing style with which you wrote this particular piece. I've read some of your other poems, and this struck me as pretty different from those. It doesn't flow as well to me, nor did it reach inside me, take my heart out, wring it around a bit, and put it back in. I'll be honest, the subject matter has been touched so many times it needs to be sterilised before we can proceed any further with developing it.

So here's what I want you to do: I want you to take this poem and a piece of paper. Ask yourself, 'Why did I write this? What does this mean to me? What did I want to say, and how can I say it in a way that isn't bland?' Write it down, all those scattered ideas. Then play with the piece. At the moment, all your poem has is a voice. It is strong. It is clear. It is clarity. But it has no moment. I feel nothing, and this isn't how it's supposed to be. So write a bunch of poems about the topic; see how many ways this one idea can shine through to us. I wanted to really get a more in-depth look at the narrator's emotions, instead of the narrator telling us that, 'this is my reality. This is how I am.' No; I want to see this reality, not hear about it. I want to see the canvas peeling off, like dead skin, the narrator's attempts to keep up the façade shown to us. 'Don't tell me the moon is shining; show me the glint of light on broken glass.'

You've left very little room for the reader to manoeuvre around in; we don't know what the narrator is hiding. And while that is obviously meant to be the mysterious element in the piece, I can't help but wish for some hints, for some deadened bagpipe jam playing the distance. Cue the ominous music; show us the moonlight! Lemme go across this entire piece once, really quickly then.

Stanza One: I like how you start out. Good, my brain says. I likes dis. The phrasing is a little awkward, so I'd suggest you read through it once (out loud if it helps) and correct that. Also, who is 'they'? Society? Your family? Someone you once knew/still know? I'd like some clarification here. ^^

Stanza Two: The images are scattered. 'Pieces' makes me think of fragments and, as far as I know, when you rip through canvas it's a bit like ripping through cloth. I don't know; it doesn't really matter, but I'm not fond of the way you executed this part. I also really wanted some imagery here, maybe the narrator's emotions when 'they' attempt to grab onto their soul? I understand where you're going here: you are enigmatic, and that fascinates others. But why do they want to see it? Also, you mention that this is all a façade, but the narrator starts off with the mention that it was, 'Only for my eyes to see.' Now, unless the narrator is also lying to him/herself, I don't see why it should be a façade in the first place. People generally try not to lie to themselves, unless they really detest themselves for some reason. Sorry if I'm going in circles here, but it's just something you might want to think about.

I felt like the ending of the piece was too fast. The emotion built up only for everything to come spiralling down again, leaving me with the same feeling you get when you fall down the stairs. This has potential, a great deal of it, and your word choice is lovely. I like some of the images you have; I'd suggest establishing a constant between them, however, something that knits the poem together. Overall, lovely idea, great sense of line breaks, and word selection! An enjoyable read. ^^

Hope this was ... er, slightly helpful. >.>

Cheers!

~Pomp

This was really good & its better than an poem I've ever written but then again I only write arostics. You should keep writting poems <3<

Happy Holidays, Clarity!

This is a beautiful poem, and I could really relate to it. There were no obvious flaws, so you're gonna have to listen to my nitpicking.

1. "I want to paint a picture with my blood/and splash it across the walls." Really descriptive, moving first lines. The words are already painting a picture for me.

2. "This is my art for my eyes but/they demand to see." Hm... the first time that I read this, it seemed like 'they' meant your eyes. However, I don't think that this is what you intended. Maybe come up with a more specific word here?

3. "So I show, but keep the meaning only known to me." Again, nice idea here, but it's cluttered by the awkward phrasing.

4. "A precious piece of mystery/for all to try and solve," The phrase 'piece of mystery' is perfect. For some reason, though, this seems like you're setting up a rhyme here--although I know you're not. Whatever, just me ranting. Keep it!

5. "they’d delve their minds into the canvas/and hope to reach my soul." 'They'd' is short for 'they would'. Is this what you intended? But really nice second line there, "and hope to reach my soul" is great!

6. "There is no grasp that anyone can take,/because: people say it is beautiful," I understand your meaning, but the first line is slightly awkward. Do you think that the colon is necessary? **I keep in mind your poetic license here, and you are free to do whatever you want. **

7. "There is no grasp that anyone can take,/because: people say it is beautiful,/so I smile in sad amusement;/they don’t know." A bit confusing, eh? I think reading over this piece out loud one more time (as I'm sure you have ) would be really beneficial.

8. "They never see the elucidation/that is actually thrown out:/My shadows/My secret, that I clasp". I want to really commend you on your use of 'elucidation'. A writer after my own heart!!! Anyway, you may want to rethink your capitalization of 'M' before 'My shadows' because in the other stanzas, you didn't do that. Also, do you want to put a period after 'clasp'?

A NOTE: IGNORE EVERYTHING I'VE WRITTEN HERE BECAUSE I AM A RAMBLING, NITPICKING GRAMMAR MANIAC.

^ We've all been there, right? Or maybe just me... :/

Anyway, happy holidays (again)!

-IronSpark