Breathing has never been so difficult;
the air trapped between my lips,
the blood froze in my veins.
Both had flowed so freely,
naturally and with ease.
Naturally and with ease,
both had flowed so freely.
The blood froze in my veins,
the air trapped between my lips.
Breathing has never been so difficult.
You look in the mirror and see your reflection, while your reflection looks back and sees you.
Both seeing the same image, only reversed.
Only reversed, has the same image been seen at all.
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139,457 Literary Works • 672,565 Reviews
This is interesting. I enjoy how you've worded this, and to me it almost seems like the person is going through a panic attack with the way it is structured. While it's not perfect, you seem to have gotten a good amount of critique on this, so I'll just leave this as a job well done.
It is good to read. The way you've put it all together is nice. like, repeating all those 5 lines upside down like a reflection coming from a mirror. Great thinking, innovative!
"Blood froze in my veins"
sounds like a vampire thing, no? (well, perhaps, my wicked thinking only)
"Only reversed, has the same image been seen at all"
The line contains any deep meaning inside it? if yes, would you mind explaining?
And good work with the punctuation marks, it seems like decorated!
Thank you for making it unique. may the almighty bless you!
hey darling. Let's dance.
While I ADORE the concept you have going here, the imagery is weak and the repetitive, so what you're going for here, which I really really love isn't achieved because the imagery isn't strong enough to back it up. The concept of blood being frozen in veins is an overused metaphor. I know you can come up with stronger ones. I know you can. The emphasis with the italics is unnecessary. The first line of the italicized stanza looks very out of place because it is soooo much longer than all the others. None of the other lines come even close and it makes the flow of the poem stop completely.
If you're going to be repetitive like this, you have to make sure your imagery is the strongest thing you've ever written. Having read your other works, this is not. This imagery is cliche and could be so much more, because the concept is such a stronger, clever idea. However, if you go back and edit, leave the last line. It's incredibly satisfying in the way it's worded and just yum in general.
That's all i've got to say, keep up the good work. xo
That was incredibly cool! I really like your writing style! The way you phrased everything was perfect! I only have one correction---
"the blood froze in my veins." Frozen instead of froze
Great job!
Two points for the L avatar. <3
Anyways. Uh, yeah. It was great.
It's beautiful, Paige. <3
Love the mirror inside the poem.
Hey,
. I feel like this poem has a certain dark element that is clearly there but its also very subtle at the same time. The way you decided to write this was very creative as well. It can get pretty hard to find a series of words that go together both ways and still hold the same meaning. Also I love the last part, Its probably my favorite part of the poem. I feel like it pulls everything together and tops it off with a little bow 
. Great job with this poem. I'm happy that your getting back into this type of stuff!
This is a interesting poem. It was written very well so good job there. Thank you so much for using punctuation! A lot of poets don't feel the need to use punctuation and it makes me feel stabby
Sincerely,
Collideascope
Hi. <3 Yay, a comeback poem!
I really like this. It's a clever idea, and I'm so happy you've come back to writing poetry. That said, while the structure is so pleasing, I feel the ideas are just a bit repetitive. I understand that it is for the sake of a) keeping a consistent layout throughout the poem and b) carrying the theme of the mirror. But I really like how the first stanza didn't mention the mirror at all, but it did imply it. The theme was subtle, and not all over our faces. I don't see how the poem would work without the parts in italics though, so they work as a whole unit, just maybe if the second part was given more room to unfurl, it would shine?
One small stylistic nitpick I have was in the third and fourth line. "Trapped" and "froze" don't have the same ring to me when I read it aloud. Maybe change froze to frozen? That way they are both participial phrases. They follow the same format, so they would work better that way. Then again, that is how it seems to me. It's all yours to play around with!
That's all I have. I hope you return to poeting. I miss reading your works. If I have interpreted anything incorrectly, hit me up with a comment!
Keep on writing bae <3
Alpha~