No more lies and no more tricks,
I'm fed up of your games and your army of pricks.
You can say it all you want,
but I know the truth,
you're a fool for me as I for you.
You tell your friends I was a waste of time,
but I tell mine you were oh so fine.
It gets mixed up from day to day,
just give me a clue if you want me to stay.
Can't you take a hint,
I don't want you anymore,
but you come back at me with
are you so sure?
I reply with yes,
but with a tremor in my voice,
and thats all you need to throw in another choice.
You give me a list,
I have to pick one,
If it's the wrong choice I'ma have to get gone.
I don't want to go,
but you make it so,
I could kill you,
but it'd kill me too...
You make it out like I'm the bad one,
throwing out the insults,
like a cheap gun.
Don't get me wrong I have my fair share,
but it never goes much further than a death glare.
Run away if you can't take the truth,
but that's gonna send a bullet throught the roof.
It's a dangerous day,
we're at our highest peak,
it's not gonna be as easy,
as a game of hide and seek.
And that is where it ends... not sure what else to do, any help is much appriciated...
This was inspired by a break up with an ex...
please comment and help!!
THANKYOU!!
Hi Clarity! Safer here by request
So I'm just going to say, rhyming poetry isn't really my thing, unless it's by Ralph Waldo Emerson or Lonfellow maybe xD So I'm not entirely sure how good a job I'm going to do on reviewing this.
You definitely had some strong images. And it is a brave soul who writes rhyming poetry, and you did do a pretty good job. I couldn't write a rhyming poem to save my life >.< In your review request you asked how you should end the poem, and I think that
"it's not gonna be as easy,
as a game of hide and seek" doesn't really give the poem enough of a bang. But I'm guessing you realized that.
The only thing I can suggest is thinking more about words you can use to give it more emotion, and perhaps a bit of an unfinished feeling. Like maybe something that ends in "speak". I'm sure you'll come up with something
So anyway, I probably wasn't very helpful xD But, I think you're talented and the poem was quite good! I'm really cheering for "speak" at the end xD
Thanks for your time!
Okay, thankyou!
Hey, I'm not really into poetry and I'm not sure if I'll be of any help but I'm here as requested
First of all, I like the emotion of this poem mostly because I'm feeling like this at the moment, but I can't say you didn't do a good job on this, you did.
I've noticed few grammar errors and typos:
you're a fool for me as I for you.
-should be: you're a fool for me as I'm for you.
and thats all you need to throw in another choice.
-should be: and that's (...)
but that's gonna send a bullet throught the roof.
-should be: (...) through the roof
suggestions (even though I'm not really sure if I'm allowed to suggest anything because I'm not a poet myself xD):
I'm fed up of your games and your army of god damn pricks.
- I don't think ''god damn'' is necessary
but I know the truth,
you're a fool for me as I for you.
- but I know the truth -
You're a fool for me as I'm for you.
but I tell mine you were oh so fine.
- but I tell mine you were oh, so fine.
but you come back at me with
are you so sure?
-but you come back at me with
'are you so sure?'
All in all, I liked your poem, keep writing!
Klara
Thankyou!
Hey there
567ajt, here by request. Let's not dillydally and get straight into it. I will review stanzas that I think are really good, and those that need some improvement.
"No more lies and no more tricks,
I'm fed of your games and your army of god damn pricks."
Strong opening; a very hateful and passionate mood is created. I'm not sure "god damn" is entirely necessary, though. "Prick" on it's own is enough to make this stanza strong. And, it should be "fed up of your games". But, you are human, and these errors are easy to make.
"Can't you take a hint,
I don't want you anymore,
but you come back at me with
are you so sure?"
This person has obviously been through a lot of heartbreak, if he/she has reached this conclusion. Also, you should add speech marks at "are you so sure", because I kind of got a little confused at that point. I like the way you say "can't you take a hint". I really like it because it is bitter and sarcastic, which is certainly reflective of the poem as a whole.
"It's a dangerous day,
we're at our highest peak,
it's not gonna be as easy,
as a game of hide and seek."
You see this stanza? I love it. I just...do. I think it's very well written and you use an affective simile. It also relates to the poem; you haven't just stuck in a random simile. The poem really does describe a game of hide and seek. The two cannot avoid each other, at all. There is tension. Something must break.
I didn't look at the other stanzas, mainly because these were the three that grabbed my attention the most. Overall, great job! I enjoyed it
Thanks for the help!
Hey its 3K and I have to say that the rythem is off with the goddamn pricks a d the I'm fed of your is weird too it would sound better with I'm fed UP with your games and your army of pricked so the rythem is even and you wont have to worry about catagorizing it because of the swear as much
Tricks and pricks is where it rhymes... and the fed of was meant to be fed up of-typo. Its fixed now. Plus, 'pricks' is pretty much the only was to desribe my ex and his friends. Can't be any nicer I'm afraid
Hey Clarity!
)
~ I like this, but it's a bit strong. Maybe put an age restriction on it. I'm not sure what to recommend. 16+ might be a little strong, but I think that I might go with that anyway. Also, I think you meant "I'm fed up with your games" rather than "I'm fed of your games".I'm here to return the favor.
I must say that I quite like this poem alot. Most break up poems/songs tend to get tedious, in my opinion, but this wasn't. You phrased it in a way that teased my mind and encouraged me to read on. Very nice.
But I can't just leave without complaining first (what would that do to my image?
~ 'I'ma' is sort of a slang contraction that I take to mean "I'm gonna". Therefore, the apostrophe should go between the 'i' and the 'm'. " I'ma "
~ I know that poetical license allows you to tamper with capitalization, but I'm pretty sure that, even here, 'I'm', should be capitalized.
~~~
Alright, maybe my image is slipping already. Only three complaints? That's unheard of from a Vyper.
I think that you could probably even name this 'A Game of Hide and Seek', if you're having trouble finding a title. Your choice. That just occurred to me with your last stanza.
Keep Writing!
~Shady
The first part was actually mean to say 'im fed up of your games' typo.. oops. And thanks, feel good since its only grammer complaints!:D
Hi Clarity. I'm doing a short review for ya.
I like it alot. I want to read the rest for sure. I like how it begins, though the content is not exactly very familiar in my current state. I tried to rap it out loud, and it seemed quite nice. It has a good flow with words, and the important words are easy to notice. I kinda like the view of it, and the rhymes has a nice flow.
I can't review it fully since it's not complete.
Love, Bob Walker.
Thanks bobby!:*