Leave me here,
and wait for me to die.
Life could be no challenge
but I know everything as a lie.
How could you stand there,
being present at her death.
You deserve no understanding,
you were the cause of her final breath.
I watch you from my hiding place,
where I feel safe and secure.
I know you cannot reach me,
not now and never more.
I could just watch you perish
and leave you there to scream and burn;
but I feel remorse, unlike you.
Others pain makes my stomach churn.
But as I watch from my place in the crowd,
you take pride in your betrayal;
I know what you face in there,
being left to rot and turn frail.
I feel sorrow at your loss
but I take pride in your demise;
I want to make her proud and
be seen by the world as ultimately wise.
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140,720 Literary Works • 673,677 Reviews
Ah, I was surprised I didn't run into one of these rhyme schemes sooner! X-A-X-A, where X's don't rhyme.
So, yeah, onto my review! Gummy's my name, reviewing's my game! Today, we're reviewing "Wise beyond your judgment", by Clarity! The whole thing is a contradiction, to say the least. But that's what makes it so enthralling, in my opinion!
Now, I'll start with what I liked. This poem is full of paradoxes, particularly in the last stanza where it states "I feel sorrow at your loss, but I take pride in your demise." These lines just sealed the deal for me. The grammar is pristine, the theme is well-explained and uniform, and I was entertained from start to finish! I commend you for this!
That's about it! Nothing but praise! Anyway, I'll skip the closing because I don't want to leech any more points off of reviewing you guys. So, yeah. Take care, and keep writing!
I enjoyed how human this came off as, how raw, and filled with emotion every line is. You use really powerful words, that left me to visualize things in a more hard-hitting sense. For instance, the words "rot" and "frail", they show me how time can weaken people and things; and all the descriptions of feelings, they're really vivid and real to me. I feel like I saw through someone else's eyes in this, and I think that's really awesome. The only con that I could point out is lack of punctuation for the stanzas, but that's just a personal preference. I'd have to say you did a very nice job.
Hey there!
This is a very interesting poem. I love the concept, and I love the voice of the character that you have created. The thing I had the most trouble with was the phrasing and lack of description. I'm really unsure of where these people are, and what has happened. This is something that I feel could be remedied by a couple extra verses that just state where they are and where they are in relation to the death of this victim.
I also feel that your phrasing could be a little more concise; your rhythm is a little off, which makes the poem a bit hard to read. It would be easy to rephrase things more fluidly by just cutting a couple words here and there. For example:
"I could just watch you perish
and leave you there to scream and burn;
but I feel remorse, unlike you.
Others pain makes my stomach churn."
could easily turn into
"I could just watch you perish,
and leave you there to burn;
but unlike you, I feel remorse!
Pain makes my stomach churn."
Despite these issues, I really enjoyed this poem! I think it's an interesting concept, that could easily be made more concise and gripping. Thanks for writing! Good luck!