There is always one moment,
when we realise
not anything is good,
nor is good anything at all.
We may look into the night sky,
as dark as an onyx gem.
We will count the stars,
and imagine our life without them.
Without such light,
darkness will consume us.
But who says that,
darkness is always terror?
We look into the face of fear,
without a flinch to our soul.
Cast into the night sky,
seemingly the colour of coal.
Our reflection shattered,
splinters were spread.
One broken part of me,
waiting for dawn to shed.
The midnight air,
blows a breeze about.
Whispering a secret,
leaving but a doubt.
We must look deeper still,
figure out what was spoke.
A riddle carved obvious,
hidden so that we should choke.
The night is a peaceful thing,
nothing to wake.
While dawn is approaching,
leaving us to shake.
Look at it as colours,
both black and white.
Shadows sitting there,
light relieving fright.
What caused this assumption,
of night being cruel?
What made us start thinking,
light was then so jeweled?
A diamond versus obsidian,
which one would win?
If cut against eachother,
one of them commits a sin.
Which represents light,
and which portrays dark?
One we never thought,
turns out to make one distraught.
We then cower inside,
what we thought was wrong.
May day be evil,
and darkness our salvation.
Second draft! I made some edits, but kept the things I felt were right. If I changed it completely, it wouldn't be as origional! :D
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139,456 Literary Works • 672,567 Reviews
Hi Clarity! My apologies for the delay on this; I meant to review it sooner but have had a crazy schedule! Thank Merlin for review days, huh?
In this line, gem feels very surplus because we already know that onyx is a gem stone. It's like saying, 'as solid as a car vehicle'. Don't waste the word when you could use it to tell us something new!Specifics
1. Alright so first I want to talk about dramatisation. I like what you've said about wanting to stay original - don't ever change your mind on that! - so I'll try not to influence your style too much.
But where's the drama? Your opening lines are very mild which is at odds with a strong and important subject and I find it hard to get a grasp on what your tone is, whether you're trying to be ironic or wistful.
With poetry you get to break a few rules and mix up your words and here's a quick example of what you could do with those first lines:
There is a realisation where
(in a moment)
not anything is good
or good anything at all.
This of course is just a quick example of how you could manipulate the language you already have. There are endless possibilities and I think this would really benefit from some shaking up!
2.
3. You may want to break this into stanzas. It's a little daunting in one, long line and it would help to separate your narrator's thoughts and the progression of their philosophy. Line breaks can be really crucial for emphasising words or whole lines and pointing us in the right direction of the bigger purpose/ meaning of a poem!
4. I'm not liking the rhyme of soul and coal. You've had some clever word play, but no other rhyme so far so it feels awkward suddenly jumping out at the reader like that. If it was a half rhyme and therefore more subtle, you would be able to get away with it, but this kind of rhyming has to be done with regularity or not at all. Ah, I see. You've continued from there with the rhyme - that's not working. It's a complete switch in tone and throws the reader because now your narrator sounds like a different person and everything you had previously set up about them is thrown into question.
Aim to be consistent! You start with a really philosophical, slow moving approach to this theme and it's alright to pick up tempo later but you can't suddenly jump to the other extreme. Not without doing something fancy like introducing a second narrator to be the new voice, but there's no definitive split in narrators here so it must be the same person?
Overall
You start off with a strong opening but you lose it when you descend into rhyme because you spend less time thinking about the points you are making and more about having your words rhyme with each other! There are a few interesting images still such as the diamond cut against the obsidian, but they're not explored and they're buried in lines which don't fit or which are dragged over and hammered into place.
I would like to repeat that I like the themes, this questioning of what light and darkness are and this really has the potential to be great, but I find the majority of the poem difficult to read because it's so filled with half asked questions!
If you could capture that same tone of voice you have in the beginning and hold it throughout, or maybe spice it up a bit, but with more clever word plays rather than rhyme, that would be really cool and it would make it easier for you to make comparisons between the light and the dark and to make well rounded points.
I hope this gives you a few ideas. Good luck and keep writing!
Heather xxx
Thankyou!
Hey there, Clarity!
I'll start with the disclaimer: I don't spend a lot of time around the poetry section. That said, I'm happy to give a shot at reviewing anything, so on we go!
So, the first thing I think on reading through this is that there are a few places where it seems like you were just trying to find a rhyme - for example, the spread/shed line (does dawn shed? It's not a description I'd expect), or spoke/choke (why does the riddle being hidden cause us to choke?). Now, I've nothing against rhyme - in fact, I get the impression I'm much more of a rhyme fan than a lot of YWS poets - but you should never sacrifice the meaning of the poem for a rhyme. I know (from experience) that trying to get a rhyme scheme to work without sacrificing meaning is difficult, so two suggestions. One: remember that sometimes, if you have one line, and are struggling to find a rhyme for it, it might be better to ditch the first one and go for a totally new way of saying things. And two: rhymes don't have to come at the end of phrases - you can have a rhyme (and a line break) in the middle of a sentence if you want to. (There's an example of that here)
While I'm on the subject of rhyme - in some of the verses, you've got an abcb scheme going that gives rise to the problem in my first point, but in some there's an abcc, and in others there's no rhyming at all, and I can't tell if this is by design. If you set up a rhyme scheme, you lead your reader to expect the rhyme all the time, which means that when there is none, it's a bit jarring. This can be used to really good effect, if you choose the place to stop rhyming carefully, but here it just feels a little bit like you gave up on the rhyme.
Onto matters other than rhyme! Your topic seems quite philosophical, but also a little confused. Some of the verses don't seem to relate very well to the ones next to them, and at times I wasn't quite sure what I was supposed to be taking away from it. Your ending is clear on that - day is evil, darkness is good - but it might be good to look critically at every verse, and decide whether it really supports that idea or leads towards it. For example, your verse about the midnight air (/blows a breeze about...) doesn't seem to relate very well to the contrast of day/darkness or the inversion of the usual day good/night bad idea that most people have.
I think that's pretty much all I have for you - I hope it was useful to you. If you've got questions about what I've said, or anything else, feel free to send me a message. Otherwise, happy writing!
Cadi x
Thankyou!
"not anything is good"
.
A little awkwardly worded. I'd suggest saying "nothing is good" instead.
"as dark as an onyx gem"
Nice imagery, good vocab also. Way to use a more exciting way to describe "black" then cliche and overused words. Well done
"darkness will overtake us"
Try a more exciting word to use instead of "overtake," maybe try devour, or consume or something along those lines.
"cast into the night sky"
What was cast into the night sky? Or are you trying to refer to a character, if you're talking about an object or something along those lines, you need to specify it. If you want to be more ambiguous, you can say "casted" but not plain ol' cast.
"waiting for dawn to shead"
I think you mean "shed" here instead of "shead."
"The night will not shout"
Ok, here is really the first time that you have a line where you rhyme sounds forced. If you're going to rhyme, which you do rather effectivly for the most part, you need to be able to make it smooth in that it sounds like your using a poetic and natural conversational tone, and rhyming just happens to be there. If you're having continuous issues with rhyming you can just write in free verse, it's just as effective.
"a riddle carved obvious"
I'm not sure what you're trying to say here. You write with an excellent poetic feel, but sometimes it's a little too much. Try pulling back on that writing style on some lines.
"Look at is as colours,
both black and white.
Shadows sitting there,
light relieving fright."
Ok here is where you use great imagery and flow and it is an excellent use of rhyming. Sometimes you fall off the wagon with your rhyming, but here it sounds natural and not forced. If you're having trouble with the rhymes look to this stanza and use it as an example. The biggest thing that helps it is the fact that all these lines are the same length.
"If cut against eachother"
I think you're trying to say that if they would fight this would happen. A little to poetic with your writing here. Try to make your meaning a little bit clearer.
Ok, so you bring out your big guns only at the very very end here with that awesome concept of how the roles and perception might actually be switched. You need to bring in that awsome idea a little earlier in the piece. That'll keep the reader intrested throughout undoubtably. Also be sure to make your meaning a little clearer. I loved the imagery you used and for the most part your rhyming and rhythm was quite smooth. Let me know if you ever need a review. Keep up the good work!
TuckEr EllsworTh
Thankyou!:D
Hey Clarity!
~ I think that the first period is misplaced here. The second stanza is "when we realize"...don't we need something to realize? Which you supply in the final two stanzas, so nix the period and un-capitalize 'not', and you should be good.Shady here with your review, as requested.
You are already aware that my poetry reviewing skills aren't impressive, so I'll skip right to the review...
~ "Who was it that said" sounds like you're about to quote somebody, and then you supply "Darkness is always a terror" so it sounds like you're asking who said that darkness was always a terror. Does that make sense?
You should try to rephrase it, so that it sounds like you're asking "Who says that darkness is always a terror?" to make it more obvious that you do not believe that darkness *is* always a terror. I feel like I'm rambling, so I'll shut up.
~ This bit was really choppy and felt out of place. You had very nice rhythm throughout the piece, and then you threw it out with these random two stanzas.
~~~
Okay!
This is a very nice poem. I enjoyed it quite a bit.
If you need any more help, you know where to find me.
Keep writing!
~Shady
Thankyou, and it's difficult to get the rhyming scheme.. so not all of it maymake sense, and thanks for the help!
Clarity,
I really enjoyed reading this piece. It left some very thought-provoking ideas lingering within my head. Now onto the editing!
I think the word you were searching for is "shed" in this line.
"waiting for dawn to shead."
A dash would work better after "realize" (Also, realize is spelled with a z, not an s.)
"when we realiZe" —
The comma isn't necessary here.
"said,"
Once again, no comma needed here.
"The midnight air,"
This is a fragment. I think you might want to try to incorporate it with the previous line.
"While dawn is approaching,
leaving us to shake."
Did you mean to say "look at it as colors"?
"Look at is as colours,"
There should be question marks, not periods, after each of these sentences.
"What caused this assumption,
of night being cruel.
What made us start thinking,
light was then so jeweled."
Those were the only mistakes that stood out to me. Other than that, I really liked this! With a little bit of brushing up, this could definitely turn into something great. Maybe even a nice short story? Anyways, great job and keep writing! Bravo.
Thankyou! And are you American? Just asking because of spelling ways. In England, we spell 'realise' with an 's'. And I did mean "look at it as colours" as well as the question marks... oops! Thanks for helping!