Young Writers Society

I wish you would have written more. It seems to stop too soon. Its a nice poem , but I feel it needs more . Maybe you could describe the kill more. How. Other than that its awesome....

Hi, sorry about the delay! Hopefully the review will have been worth it

Specifics

1. At the moment you're quite prosaic and I think this would benefit from playing with a few more poetry conventions. If you took out the line breaks, this could easily pass for prose so please remember, poetry is more than line breaks! It's about using imagery and rhythm. Rhyme, personification, alliteration. All of these are different poetry techniques and I don't expect you to cram them all in at once, but loosen up a little and feel free to break some rules.

2. Your rhythm is very stop and start. In prose I'd say you've got too many short sentences. In poetry, I'm going to say you have too many end stopped lines. I'd suggest making these two lines run into each other:

is anything but peace.
It is filled with terror

like so:

is anything but peace,
filled with terror

3. At the moment your imagery is very scarce and very simple. You've got a lot of vague words like 'terror' and 'despair' which are the kind of words we need to see you attaching images too. What is despair? Is it the last penny in the saving's jar? Is it another cliff looming taller and more impassible than the one you just climbed? Your reader needs visuals and the first we get in this poem is 'night' which is too far in. Give us something concrete and specific in the beginning.

Overall

You seem unsure about your last stanza/ section but I actually found that the strongest part as you introduce a solid theme there. It's difficult to get a feel for what is happening until that point as the images are disjointed and while we know the persona is going through some difficult emotions, we have no story or knowledge to apply to these.

But in the last stanza you tell us the persona is a killer and is battling with that. I really like that theme and I want to see you give it life earlier in the poem and give us more of the story. What has brought this persona to kill? Who have they killed? How did that feel? For me, the answers to these questions would be interesting and exciting so try to give your poem a more solid shape.

Thanks for the read and good luck with this!

Heather xxx

I've got your review right here. I hope I don't mispel anything.

This poem is very good. It has a good theme, and you portray it well. However, I'm not gonna come right out and give you a 10 out of 10 for it. Nobody has gotten a 10 out of 10

Now, I don't fancy myself a poet. But, there is something about this poem that bugs me just the teensiest bit. It's a little inconsistent. Very few poems are truly consistent, but some are more so than others. This one has very fluid, beautiful parts, and other parts that are choppy. Take for example:

"A whisper
followed by a scream,
then silence."

I love this opening. It is fluid, and daunting, and eerie. Makes for a good tone, and one you maintain well. However,

"I wake in the night,
a cold sweat falling
from my face."

Is a little less so. It bothers me when people do this to their lines, cutting them so that they don't stick out so much. Maybe it looks good on paper, but when I read it out loud, my inner narrator becomes The Enterprising Captain James Tiberius Kirk as he pauses in wierd places when he speaks. It makes for a more rough reading.

As for the theme: I love the theme. Brilliant theme. But again in the last stanza, you became Captain Kirk with the pauses. There are many lines that could be kept as one where you've made them into two.

Other than that, beautiful piece. I give it an 8 out of 10.

Methrirr123

Nice Poem!

Here's Philosopha's review for you

This reminds me of a scenario where the person of subject had gone on a mission where in the eyes of his people he was a hero, but within himself he cannot justify his killings and is haunted by them. Like a a soldier who has come back from war. Anyway, that is what I have interpreted. Now as for the last stanza maybe just change "was I pure" to present tense giving more of a realization in a solid single moment. The stanzas are set up great and the pace is just fine. Keep writing friend!

Hello Clarity here I am for a little review that I really hope helps you.

OK your poetry is okay by my standards although I am really not the person for the judge.

But it really did not make sense to me first off what is your point of it helps a lot too have a reason or too just really want to write something down at least.


Your spelling and grammar was good.

Anyway good luck and have a happy Easter.

~Jon~