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Love, hate, fear... defeat.

by Clarity


I see your face, I see it through the trees. Are you spying? Are you spying on me?

I see you moving, that small blur in the periphery of my vision. I know you're there.

It's this feelingI get. It lets me know you're here. It never fails.

I don't know whether to call it a gift or a curse.

I see you again, drifting through thewoods, floating almost.

You try to hide from view, but our bond is stronger.

It won't leave, it can't. I always know you're there.

I can feel the pulsing fear, it radiates from you.

I'm only human, but i'm what scares you most.

You're so much stronger, but I still give you nightmares.

Never, ending nightmares.

You're watching me again, you watch me as I write this.

You watch me all the time.

You think I dont know. But like I say, this bond is strong. It won't leave.

You fear me, but you still stay. You're drawn here. You're drawn to me.

Is this what makes you scared?

The feelings you have.

The feeling, the pull you have towards me?

You can't leave, you're stuck.

You fear me, you're scared.

You see me, you're watching.

Like always, you're watching...

You're trying to find out.

Trying to find a clue. A clue to help you.

Help you understand.

You're scared more than before,I can feel it.

I know now, and so do you.

You know why you're scared, why you fear a human.

Why you fear me.

You're in love, you're in love with me.

And its killing you.

You're in love with a human.

The cold-hearted, dead, ruthless monster.

That is you, your in love with me.

It scares you, it kills you.

But me, it helps me. I've defeated you. I've won.

I made you fall... I've made you fall to the end, your end.

Bye, no more tricks.

No more fooling humans.

Its the end game, andI won.

I defeated you.

I pushed you into madness.

You fell in love with me. And its made you insane.

You can't stand it.

You can live with feeling something other than hate.

But now, you do.

You love.

You love me.


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Mon Aug 06, 2012 11:44 am
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Noelle wrote a review...



Hi there!

I see your face, I see it through the trees. Are you spying? start a new line Are you spying on me?
I think the part where you repeat 'are you spying on me?' will sound better as a different line. It seems like an additional thought like that.
I see you moving, that small blur in the periphery of my vision. I know your (should be you're) there.
It's the a feeling I get. It lets me know your here. It never fails.
I don't know whether to call it a gift or a curse.
*this is a first stanza. It definitely sets the scene and starts off the poem well. I like your style. It's unique and interesting. My favorite line of this stanza was the last one. It's very powerful and gets me thinking.

I see you again, drifting through the woods, floating almost.
You try to hide from view, but our bond is stronger. How does the bond they have have to do with the person hiding from the speaker's view? Just wondering. The line sounds awkward.
It won't leave, it can't. I always know your (again, you're) there.

I can feel the pulsing fear, it radiates from you.
I'm only human, but i'm what scares you most.
Your so much stronger, but I still give you nightmares.
Never, ending nightmares.
This stanza is very, very powerful. I love the words you chose. They flow together well and give off a dark feeling to the poem.

Your watching me again, you watch me as I write this.
You watch me all the time.
You think I dont know. But like I say, the bond is strong. It won't leave.
whoa, now I think he's a stalker! But I know he's not, I think. Anyway, back to the review...

You fear me, but you still stay. Your drawn here. Your drawn to me.
Is this what makes you scared?
The feelings you have?
The feeling, the pull you have towards me?

You can't leave, your stuck.
You fear me, your scared.
You see me, your watching.
Like always, your watching...

Your trying to find out.
Trying to find a clue. A clue to help you.
Help you understand.

Your scared more than before, I can feel it.
I know now, and so do you. That's kinda creepy that the reader knows this person's thoughts :o Awesome!

You know why your scared, why you fear a human.
Why you fear me.

Your in love, your in love with me.
And its killing you. Yes! I L-O-V-E these two lines. Great emotion.
Your in love with a human.

The cold-hearted, dead, ruthless monster.
That is you {insert semi-colon here} your in love with me.
It scares you, it kills you.

But me, it helps me. I've defeated you. I've won.
I made you fall... I've made you fall to the end, your end.

Bye, no more tricks.
No more fooling humans.
Its the end game, and i won.
I defeated you.
I pushed you into madness.
Again, another powerful stanza. Great job!

You fell in love with me. And its made you insane.
You can't stand it.
You can't live with feeling something other than hate.

But now, you do.
You love.
You love me.

Wow, this poem is really good! I can definitely feel the emotion. It was also an interesting story. You had me guessing the whole time, wondering who this person was. And when I found out they're a vampire, that surprised me even more.

A small thing I know others have mentioned as well: you mixed up your/you're. I put them in bold so you can find them easily and fix them :)

Keep writing!
**Noelle**




Clarity says...


Thankyou! This helps a lot! I'm going to start editing... right now!:)



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Mon Aug 06, 2012 1:20 am
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SakuraFallsSweetly♥ wrote a review...



Hello! Firstly I must say this is marvelous. :) Especially because of your age, I was never able to write like that two years ago. Even now, perhaps. :D But hey, you can't put an age on writing. It's a gift and you have it.

Some grammar revising would be good for you though. Get to know the 'your' and 'you're' rule, etc.

Very captivating opening, by the way. I clicked straight away. :D

I really like how the (I am guessing) sort of deal-breaker of this is love. Love being the most powerful emotion or presence in the human (and non human) world. It has the power to make you or break you.

I enjoyed this, looking forward to reading more from you. :)

Good luck!
:)




Clarity says...


Thanks, and with the 'your' and 'you're' rule, i need to get it stuck in my head! But i do get it, thanks for the review!:)



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Sun Aug 05, 2012 3:10 pm
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SirenCymbaline wrote a review...



I wonder who your inhuman/e subject may be? He certainly interests me, though I can steal none of his secrets between the lines, minus his ultimate weakness.

The first paragraph is my favourite. It catches your gaze, and pulls you in.
Which is what you want.

I see this as a work of roles and roleplay. The villian has been undone, once again, by love, but not in the usual way.
The heartbreaker miraculously is taken by genuine love, and gotten his just reward.
Is this what was meant by the second-last verse? mm?

I like the concept, and your straightforward words. But it is a little repetitive.
Manipulate your sentences. Skim through it and see what words you have repeated too often. Rewrite your sentences to say the same thing, but in a different way.

I enjoy your word flow, and the weave as well. The way it all twists in the spiralling pattern, folding and turning, spinning into collision in a perfect blend of the...poemy-stuff.

All you really need to work on is the nitpicky-stuff, like capitalisation, your/you're, punctuation error here and there.




Clarity says...


Thanks, this is really helpful... I'm going to reread my work, and edit things, so i can make it sound better.

Thanks again!:)




Find a place inside where there's joy, and the joy will burn out the pain.
— Joseph Campbell