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A Clock (extended)

by Chaser


Social life is like a clock;
People get ticked when you talk.

Constantly making improvements
to the hands' minute movements

Marks and numbers give no sign
Of the grinding teeth behind;

Glorious gluttony beckons
Reveling in what once was;
Humankind goes back four seconds,
Clock gears gnashing time to dust.

Heedless of what we devour,
It seems the future is hours.


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Thu Oct 12, 2017 6:04 pm
DeerInBacPac wrote a review...



Hello, E.E here for a possibly quick review and maybe some utter nonsense! Let's get started then, Huh? :D

I like this poem and at first, in all honesty, it didn't catch my eye. I know you posted this awhile ago but I am still going to review it! The flow was extremely good and everything did blend well. Some parts, for me anyways, it was easy to image things like someone grinding their teeth or the minute handing moving on a clock. If I am correct, this poem is talking about we can take time for granted, how we seem to only realize it when its too late. Like when someone is dead. And sometimes though, how a person here and there, will notice that they do have plenty of time, they just need to use it wisely, no? I liked the poem, keep up the good work!




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Fri Sep 29, 2017 4:18 pm
singhvaibhav wrote a review...



I really enjoyed the dark humor which is kind of leaching from literally every line, structure is pretty simple and speaks to the audience, and I am just guessing here maybe you are trying to sound sarcastic here if this is the case the sarcasm is lost somewhere between the lines, but I really enjoyed your piece spoke to me because of its simplicity And its darkness.




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Fri Sep 29, 2017 7:18 am
Rydia wrote a review...



Hi! I've not reviewed much poetry lately so I decided to browse around these forums a little. I'm going to give you my thoughts as I read through and then any overall advice at the end.

Specifics

1. I think the first line would be stronger if it had a 'Your' or 'My' or 'Our' at the front. Telling us who this poem is for/ about/ to often helps to engage the reader. It would also make the line flow better.

2. I'm not sure how I feel about the second line. On the one side I like the pun on ticked but on the other, that doesn't fit the metaphor in a direct sense and sounds a bit more like the punch line to a corny joke. I think maybe you need to start with a more solid/ obvious comparison before bringing this vaguer statement in. Like, a social life can be like a clock in that it's always the same cycles and we tend to do the same activities in the same sequence - visits to family, then games with friends, then dates with boys, then drinks with colleagues and back to visiting the family again.

3.

Constantly making improvements
to the hands' minute movements

Marks and numbers give no sign
Of the grinding teeth behind;
I think you need a period/ full stop after movements, otherwise you have 8 lines with no pause.

4.
Glorious gluttony beckons
Reveling in what once was;
Humankind goes back four seconds,
Clock gears gnashing time to dust.


Gluttony for what? I'm not sure I understand what this is referring to. Over indulgence in social activities? But why would that cause humankind to go back by four seconds? That feels a little forced, like it's only there to fit the rhyme.

5. The last two lines also feel like they are there more for the rhyme than to make a statement. I like the pun again of hours and ours but I'm not sure the poem has enough meaning or explains its themes well enough.

Overall

I found this hard to follow and I think it's because you're forcing the words to follow a format (which you also broke in stanza four) and that's limiting what you're able to say. It's very hard to create a poem that has both a strong meaning and a strong structure and it's something which can only come with lots of practice and careful word choice. You also have to choose the structure to fit the poem and I think that actually the structure of the fourth stanza would work better because the alternating rhymes give more of a tick tock sound while the rhyming couplets don't.

I hope that gives you a few things to think about the best of luck with any revisions for this!

~Heather




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Fri Sep 29, 2017 2:56 am
alliyah wrote a review...



Hi again Chaser!

I enjoyed what you did with this piece, the extended metaphor worked! :)

The first three couplets are really strong actually. The flow, the pace, the content really well done. And then we get to stanza 4 and all of the form is changed and rhyme scheme changes. It felt like wheels of the poem came to a screeching halt. Also I think the idea of gluttony and the theme of being like hungry for time needs to be introduced before the 2nd to last stanza, because you end up using that theme in three different lines by the end, but it feels a little out of place being introduced half-way through the piece.

The ending also did not pack much of a punch for me, upon first reading because I didn't catch the "hours"/"ours" pun. I do think this is clever, but I'm afraid a lot of readers are going to miss that along with the "minute" and "ticked" pun. It might be worth it to put those two in italics so that readers catch it more easily, that or try to find a couple more puns to throw in so that readers expect and search for them.

Overall, the theme was certainly unique you make an interesting commentary on the relation of time to people and greed. My main critique is really that I think this poem would be much improved if you can find a way to get the fourth stanza to mesh with the format and rhyme scheme of everything else so that the poem is less jarring at that point.

Nice work here! Once I figured out the puns, this was actually a pretty humorous little poem to read and I really enjoy the flow of those first 3 couplets.

~alliyah




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Thu Sep 28, 2017 9:08 pm
zaminami wrote a review...



Hello Chaser! Welcome to YWS! Kara here for a (hopefully) quick review!

Give me your soul.

With that aside, I'm not the best at poetry but here we go!

Bold = grammar and flow issues.
Italics = suggestions and overall
Strikethrough = remove
Underline = random Kara comments.

Spoiler! :
Social life is like a clock;
People get ticked when you talk.

Constantly making improvements
to the hand{'}s minute movements

Marks and numbers give no sign
Of the grinding teeth behind; {This doesn't rhyme very well}

Glorious gluttony beckons
Reveling in{side} what once was;
Humankind goes back four seconds,
Clock gears gnashing time to dust. {This is very different from the other stanzas, which interrupts the flow. Change four lines to two. Also, none of it rhymes}

Heedless of what we devour,
It seems the future is hours. {Devour and hours doesn't rhyme either}


This is actually very impressive, even though most of it doesn't rhyme like you obviously want it to be. The use of metaphors is used to your advantage, and you make the statement very clear. Good job.

Why haven’t you given me your soul yet? --

Kara

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Thu Sep 28, 2017 5:30 pm
ajruby12 wrote a review...



Hey, AJ here!

Ooh, me like-y this! My social life is more like a cheap watch; it never says the right thing and is always getting wound up.

Anywhoo, I think this concept is fabulous! A few comments:

- First two "stanzas" = perfect. I love those.

- "Glorious gluttony beckons /Reveling in what once was; /Humankind goes back four seconds,
/Clock gears gnashing time to dust." I don't really understand these lines. They seem out of place, but perhaps that's just me not understanding them. If you intend to keep the pattern consistent, these lines need to rhyme and match the formatting of this poem. (More on that later)

- I like the last two lines. I think I would understand them more if I knew what the previous lines were talking about.

In regard to the formatting, I would suggest either : A. Separating the 4-line block into 2 2-line blocks and making them rhyme ; or B. Adding something else in the poem to make the 4-block section not seem out of place. Perhaps a single line right before it and right after it. You'll have to play around with it and see.

Overall, I think this is a great idea. I just don't quite grasp the meaning of some of the lines.

Keep on writing, and Happy RevMo!

-AJ





A person is a fool to become a writer. His only compensation is absolute freedom. He has no master except his own soul, and that, I am sure, is why he does it.
— Roald Dahl