This world shall fade, abate with time,
This world shall stand its place in line
For its ending, depending on what will occur,
From this fleeting chapter to the last word,
This world is small, may fall in a flash,
The greatest empires; now rubble and ash.
This world is cruel, would rule my soul,
And yet thanks to you I maintain control,
This world leaves me drained, insane in my heart,
Even more so when we are apart,
This world will crumble, tumble and die,
And I shall find solace within your eyes.
This world is never, ever in truth,
Unruly; but beautiful, and bright; yet uncouth.
This world is my curse, made worse by the fact,
That once we have left, we can never come back,
So dance with me dear! Let our passions shine through!
For this world will end, but I will always love you.
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140,653 Literary Works • 673,580 Reviews
Hey! Cello here!
I really liked this. You used a beautiful vocabulary and none of your words felt forced. It all flowed, feeling comfortable and natural, and telling a beautiful story along the way. I wish I could praise more, but I'm not the best as compliments. Just trust me, this was amazing.
If I had to edit anything though, it would simple be adding some minor words here and there.
Put an 'it' before 'may'. I get it, it's not completely needed, things flow faster with fewer small words, but I wouldn't cut it out. I think it sounds fine and, if anything, helps the flow.
Maybe an 'it' before 'would'? Sorry, I'm just being knit picky. Also. 'And yet, thanks to you, I maintain in control.' Now, I tend to overuse commas (A lot) So you might want to check me on this but I'm fairly sure that this is right. 'Thanks to you' isn't needed for the sentence to make sense so it should be separated.
I'm always complaining about people using exclamation points out of dialogue (It tends not to work) but you used this punctuation beautifully. *Claps*
I'll have to check out more of your work! Keep writing!
(This is my star earning review
-ChocolateCello
Here to repay the favor! This is such a wonderful poem. I love the transition--it first starts off melancholy and harshly truthful, but then kind of smooths into this concoction of grief and love, with love overpowering the former emotion. There are so many lines that I am in love with--this is one of those pieces where you go "Wow, I wish I wrote this..."
Unruly; but beautiful, and bright; yet uncouth.--I love the contradicting words and the way that this line is set up.
This world leaves me drained, insane in my heart,--"Insane" strikes me as a particularly powerful word. I can just see grief and frustration stomping about a heart.
I also enjoy the rhyming scheme--I love poems that rhyme.
Great job, Chaser, and keep writing poetry!
Hello there! cleverclogs here for a...
This poem is awesome. There's not anything that I found wrong with it that needs to be fixed, so I'll give you some suggestions to make it even awesomer.
Normally, I'm not a huge fan of rhyming in poetry because they often tend to be forced. There are a lot of poems I've read on this site that would be better off without any rhyme at all. But with this poem, you managed to make all your rhymes sound so natural. There aren't any that I could find that didn't quite work, or that twisted a phrase awkwardly so that a rhyme could be a achieved. Great job! You've made it so that the rhymes just roll off the tongue. I have to disagree with a previous reviewer who said that the almost rhymes disrupt the poem. I don't think they do at all. Plus, it's better to have fluid almost-rhymes than forced true rhymes!
One thing I noticed is the lack of stanzas. You may or may not want to consider breaking this into stanzas. It could work with or without, but it's just something you could play with. Also, here's a formatting protip: To get rid of the pesky double-spaced lines, press the "shift" key along with the "enter" key in the YWS publisher. It tends to look a lot neater.
Your punctuation was on point for the poem. Great job there, because there are a lot of young poets that assume that poetry either needs commas everywhere or no punctuation at all. Another thing to experiment with that is of course entirely up to you is a different method of capitalization. Right now, you have every line capitalized. Something you could do is to capitalize as you could if this poem were prose. So for instance, these lines:
would look like this:
I'm only suggesting this because it's my personal preference. Remember that this is your poem, and you're free to do what you like with it.
I really don't have any other suggestions, because I think this poem is great as it is. My favorite lines were these:
*resists urge to copy and paste whole poem*
I really love how effortless the rhymes were here, and throughout the whole poem. Amazing job with this poem. Keep up the great work!
Hi! Shine here to review your amazing piece of literature.
I thoroughly enjoyed how, even though you speak of the world coming to an end, the love for this person never fades, even if their darkest times. There are a few parts that turn the gears in my head, make me think, even confuse me the slightest bit, but that's all right because it all works out in the end. Although, in the stanza before last, I had a minor issue:
"So dance with me dear! Let our passions shine through!"
Perhaps, and keep in mind that this is only an opinion, you should remove the exclamation point and replace it with a comma, also, I'd say you should use 'passion' as a singular noun, instead of making it plural. Again, though, this is only my opinion and you decide whether or not you'd like to change it. Oh, also, if you were to remove the exclamation point and substitute in a comma, I'd put in an 'and' before the 'let'. Other than that, though, I loved it.
"Unruly; but beautiful, and bright; yet uncouth."
Although this sentence is short and slightly one-worded, I enjoyed it the most. It stuck out to me, and the words enlightened me.
I suppose that's all for now. I can't wait to see more from you, so keep up the good work!
Hi Chaser,
I like this poem. It's sad how the world is so defeated but it's nice you have someone to rely upon. There are a few minor things that make this poem awkward. First of all the rhyme pairs "time, line", "occur, word", "die, eyes", and "fact, back" are almost rhymes. Being almost rhymes they disrupt the natural flow of the poem. They can work but it's best if you find true rhymes for poems that are supposed to rhyme.
The only other minor thing is in the lines
"This world is small, may fall in a flash" and "This world is cruel, would rule my soul"
They should both have the word "it" after the comma.
You don't have to take any of my advice because in the end, this is your poem. but overall this is a great poem. And as always, keep writing.
-Incohesive Scribbles