Young Writers Society

Hi,
It is my kind of poem. I love it. Full of vocabulary. A good starting is a must, but you started it very well. The first line of this poem is great, you introduced black hole, i loved the concept. Total science fiction. you introduced science brilliantly. You poetry is splendid. I loved the entire concept. There are many areas I liked. If i try to write more I will write entire story. I loved it really. You personified electricity..so amazing. Great. keep it up.

I loved the detail and flare in your poem! It was really interesting and eye catching. It was a little messy and a bit unclear, but other than that, it was great. I really like the new perspective you showed on a living room. I love how you connected the poem to daily life, i.e the Geico ad.

Hi Chaser!

"This living room is a black hole of time."
The idea here is so absurd in it's simplicity, it made me laugh. Ingenious, really! As a side note, i loved how you added 'this' as if not all living rooms are, maybe it's your bit of hope, maybe encouragement for the reader. either way, a good touch at that.

"waving heat" caught my attention. Had a nice ring to it.
The next few line though, interrupted the flow. Possibly because I couldnt quite understand what it meant. Why did your ears grow? Why is there a burning sensation at the nose and how can electricity smell or even leak?
As there is no mention of anyone coming to sit down in the couch, I read the line as if gravity itself was. (maybe that what you intended). Its a great line though; gravity itself taking a rest to look at the screen. Its as if the TV can change the laws of the universe can its. It can alter even what seems natural... I see you've taken the comparison to outer space things throughout the poem, and find this quite interesting. It seems as if you are saying it's becoming something natural but shouldn't; a far-off natural...

The next stanza is great!Beautiful lines... I'm just wondering at this point why you chose not to make everything rhyme. It would have made everything so much more fun; sarcasm glossing the words. It works perfectly with the kind of attitude I see a person would have on relating this.

The next stanza is superb as well. There is only an unnecessary repeat of watcher.

The following stanza sounds great but I dont see who's taking the step and why its a consussion. Who's the crowd and what the significance of exchanging bones? Like I said, it sounds great, but I dont really understand whats going on. Its probably just me though.

Loved the next lines as well. Had to look up Schadenfreude- descriptive word there. I just dont see how you can remove your skeleton and still have your skull; isn't the skull a part of it? I also didn't see how suffering related to your original TV topic. If it somehow did, you first say that we cant do looking for misery but then you tell us to enjoy it. It seems to contradict itself.

As for the last stanza, I only found the idea of "rapidly changing" electricity odd- what does that mean? But the last two line are just amazing and beautifully sum it up.

Great job and a great topic as well!
Keep writing!

~ILived

Hi, there! Becca here for a review.

This is the smartest poem I've read in a while. I got a strong Orwell/Bradbury (1984/Fahrenheit 451) vibe from this piece.

The first stanza utilizes sensory descriptions very well and does a great job providing the reader with imagery.

I love the sardonic tone in the second stanza, particularly, "Taste the vivid colors of commercial breaks," "and news Twittered into fragments of speech," and '“Geico could save you 15% on...well, you know."

I think after the break, the poem takes a turn, of tone, style, and content, and I'm not sure it works as much as the first half. I love "Lone enjoyment is the parody of the universe.
But then, what is parody of parody?" as a thought experiment, but I'm not sure you ever fully flesh it out or explain it. I like how you take us through the rest of this poem with this "watcher."

I love this line, though, I'm not sure I entirely know what it means--"Every step will be a concussion, every word a shining monstrosity." After this point in the poem you kind of lost me. Especially the ending, it didn't feel final, just morbid. Obviously your call. Please feel free to reach out with any questions on anything I've said. Hope to read more of your writing, you obviously have a lot of ideas and opinions!

This is good concept, i didn't find any punctuation mistakes iv never been good at editing. In story the concept of how we use up so much time on point else things is very interesting to me. I like the part "Life is the art of suffering, and those who suffer will have the most art,
and those who seek suffering
are mostly dead." this the best concept out story i love your story @Chaser keep up good work and hope to hear more great stories.