The first strike is the one that connects, knocking the metal plate off its bolts.
The second strike is the one that clears it, revealing gears meshing within.
Third degree levers swing the iron pipe for a third shot, knocking through the dimensions.
Gears spike back and reject the pipe, launching the arms back until it wrenches the shoulder.
It hurts.
The machine, of course, doesn’t hurt. The machine doesn’t give out. But the machine can’t feel pain - so it can break.
Raise the noble lance, and strike the driving heart of the machine. A single gear spins out of control and falls away. That is all it takes,
but do not stop there.
Gritted yellow teeth face white sneering strings, machinery raised high, taunting the low worker.
Retaliate with the pipe and break its jaw.
Row after row, the unfinished work winds itself apart. It is unsatisfying, the ease as each thread drapes across the wreck, nothing like
the clothes, beaten to rags,
The skin, worn to blood and leather,
The eyes, burned and burning still.
Attack from a different angle, hit low and slam into the side. Bolts connect the machine to the floor, but the weakest links give easily.
Yet metal bones shudder back and jar the arm, crippling the
weakest link.
Pain shoots up and cracks through the blood; oil leaks from the joints and stains the hands irredeemable.
Wheels spin from hinges, crooked and falling to the ground,
And the whole body swings and swings again to smash the spinning frame.
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140,662 Literary Works • 673,584 Reviews
I love how you anthropomorphize the machine and use such beautiful language!
This is Nikayla here dropping in for a review!
So this is a different poem than we'd usually see, for better or for worse. The first detail of the poem that I noticed is the lack of structure, and it's easy to see. I'd like to see some organization to this work where you make it look not only aesthetically nicer, but also more neatened out to where there's more of a flow between stanzas and less lines that are drastic in their difference. In one line, you go from having a single word and then go to having a line that goes across the page.
I'm not saying that you have to put a lot of stress on meter and that you have to use it, but you should take into mind in revision (if you end up deciding to edit) that it's unwise to have such difference between lines so suddenly. For one, it doesn't look all that nice, and two, it confuses the reader as to what the flow of the poem is.
Just because your poem is about a machine doesn't mean it has to sound mechanical. Sure, it can have that kind of connotative language hanging around it to build up the atmosphere and tone of the piece (which I believe you do quite well) but the first stanza is in a list. First, second, and third. I believe that this can be well-executed if you pay more due attention to the transitioning of the poem.
As for the content of the poem itself, it seems as if you're writing a bit of a narrative with this worker being the central character (since there's no defined speaker here telling this). More of a focus on the imagery and word choice that relates to machinery would help build the tone, which you've already begun to do. I'm a little confused as to why you refer to the worker as 'the' other than the fact that the theme of the poem seems to be that workers or people in a way are machines. Experiment around with the execution of this theme and see what you come up with, since it's already a piece with potential.
If you have any questions, don't be afraid to ask! I hope I helped and have a great day.
Aha! We don't get much poetry in the "historical fiction" side of things, so I just had to stop by and leave a review.
Formatting and Grammar
For me the lines were a bit long throughout, I think if you chopped some of them up with more line breaks the reader would be able to process more thoroughly each image you present.
I didn't see any grammar or spelling issues that jumped our or distracted my reading, so good job there. Some of the capitalization seemed a bit inconsistent (like the line beginning with "the clothes" and then "the skin" (one's capitalized, one isn't even though they both follow a comma)
Other thoughts
In the first stanza I'm kind of lost about what in the world this machine is, I'm like what in the world are these gears attached to, then you have this line that pulls me into the poem, "But the machine can’t feel pain - so it can break." -- intriguing commentary there, and a really interesting metaphor for some people as well?
Then as the stanza continues on we get some images of the machine continuing to labor on, and despite the line before claiming that it can't feel pain, it sure seems to. You've laced language throughout that makes the metaphor between machine and worker clearer as I keep reading, you start out with the "strike" and then "taunting the low worker" and "retaliate".
Although you don't go out and say it, I assume that this poem is commentary on the worker's rights movements or maybe meant to be commentary about like a union strike or something. It's really interesting, because as a reader I want to find some connection to this object (the machine) and humanity, some emotional drive, and although you never really clearly give emotional language in this piece (it's all very mechanical) I still can see the harsh emotional tension between the lines.
I think the stanza where you clearly describe workers rather than just machines almost gives the metaphor away. "the clothes, beaten to rags.... "the eyes burned and burning..." I wonder if you could say these lines but in a way that makes it ambiguous as to whether or not you're referring to human or machine.
Overall Impressions
I feel a lack of resolution at the end of the piece as the gears continue to turn, but I think that given the context of the piece that's actually a strong message on its own. Here is no resolution yet for the laborer.
I really loved that you took on such an interesting topic and the language you use fits with the piece perfectly really bleak and blunt. I would love a bit more figurative language, and also to extend the human connection even more. I mean a big part about critiquing the lack of rights for workers or looking at the historical factory workers is their lack of appropriate compensation, and that never came up in the piece. Adding this sort of theme into what you already have I think would make for a more well-rounded commentary.
But overall, I have to say I really enjoyed reading something unique and look forward to reading more of your work.
Best,
alliyah