I lost my car tires
To Meltdowning Road
They melted into the pavement
Which was made of more tires
My car was about to sink
When the road erupted from magma
And I bounced over hot rubber
To the rocky wayside.
My machine is bruised, yet unbroken
-the engine still starts, at least-
But wheels without grip
Are nothing but burning grindstones.
I'm walking down the tired side
Of Meltdowning Road
The big band of poison tar that
Encircles my spinning world
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140,653 Literary Works • 673,580 Reviews
Nice poem, but needs a little work. The chosen descriptions and actions are really all that need work here, the words "magma" and "bouncing" make me invision scenes from super mario. I like the overall idea, and also, i really love the beginning and ending paragraphs, i think you just need to work on using words that are more specified to the things that are being described. Good job, and i hope to see more in the future. :3
Ah, Chaser old friend. Here we go. You got me on SBs(when I did them, let's see if I get you here.)
I like where this is heading. From this stanza I get the feel that life is just built by other people's lives, like everyone leaves a path that someone else down the road will walk upon, and either build upon it, or stay and disappear into history with it.
One of the things I don't like about this was the use of magma. Magma is associated with lava, and I don't feel like lava and rubber in this scenario would go to together. I would use something like boiling tar, which is one of the ways to shape rubber and such. I find it gives a feel to what I was describing above, but this is good nonetheless.
I don't like the grindstone imagery here, but I do like what you're trying to portray. I would stay strictly with road/rubber/tire/tar imagery, that way there's no confusion and you can keep expanding on your idea(and I HATE repetition.)
This right here reminds me of a song. "Get in this heart like a wheel and baby let's roll." It gives a feel of how everything comes full circle, and that's exceedingly good imagery to roll on with. Get it?
Anyway I think this is overall really good idea and I'd like to see you expand on it.
Keep on doing what you're doing.
Your friend, Cas.