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Moment's Reflection

by Chaser


In morning’s daze I looked upon the frame
And saw myself reflected in the glass.
The man whom I beheld, beheld the same,
We twins of visage, differing in class.
“For I am real,” I proudly said aloud,
“While your existence hangs defined by mine.”
But as I stared into his face I found
A zit! Oh no! It blemished my design!
I wept and wept, for what was I to do?
Charisma seemed so close, but out of reach
To one whose face was living hell to view,
A ruined pride, that mirrored man did teach.

And as the tears increased, so did the dread;
Perhaps I mold myself to him instead.


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Mon Sep 18, 2017 11:30 pm
alliyah wrote a review...



This started out as a lovely little reflective formal poem and then *boom* the twist with the oh so troublesome blemish! I thought it was pretty funny actually.

So on to the review!

I found a bit of the wording to be a bit stilted, but I didn't really mind it, because I thought the wording being so formal actually made the twist to it all being about a pimple even funnier. I think the moment of the reveal with the zit could be a bit more dramatic. In these two lines;

"A zit! Oh no! It blemished my design!
I wept and wept, for what was I to do?"

they just don't end up feeling all that emotional maybe because of the phrase "oh no" and the repetition of "wept". I would play around with those lines a bit to see if you can make the narrator seem more genuinely distraught. (This would build more sympathy for the speaker).

I also didn't quite get turn in the last two lines, "Perhaps I mold myself to him instead" -- is the solution to the piece just that the narrator will take the form of the other person?

So overall, I really enjoyed the humor and the word choice you used which both perfectly fit the piece. As far as the overall story of the piece, I was stretching a bit to understand exactly what was going on. Is the person truly looking at a mirror, and how does that work into the last line's solution?

Nice work here! I'll look forward to reading more of your work in the future.

~alliyah




Chaser says...


Thanks so much for reviewing! To answer your question, the poem is about how the speaker, the real person, has their self-esteem molded by the reflection in the mirror. Perhaps it's not the most straightforward representation, apologies.
And I definitely will experiment with a more sincere tone towards the narrator's shallowness. Thank you!



alliyah says...


Thanks for the clarification. :) Let me know if you post something else and would like a review!



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Reviews: 364

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Mon Sep 18, 2017 7:45 pm
zaminami wrote a review...



Hello, Chaser! My name is Kara, and I'm here for a (hopefully) quick review!

I'm not the best as poetry, but let's do this.

Bold - grammatical or flow errors
Strikethrough - remove
Italics - My comments
Underline - Other stuff.

Spoiler! :
In the morning’s daze I looked upon the frame,
And saw myself reflected in the glass.
The man whom I beheld, beheld the same,
We twins of visage, differing in class.
- Add a dash here to break up the sonnet. You need 14 lines in a sonnet and it won't change anything if you add this here. It'll help differentiate between the different rhyme schemes.
“For I am real,” I proudly said aloud,.
“While your existence hangs defined by mine.”
But as I stared into his face I found This doesn't really rhyme with aloud... but it rhymes enough. I just wanted to point this out just in case.
-
A zit! Oh no! It blemished my design!
I wept and wept, for what was I to do?
Charisma seemed so close, but out of reach
To one whose face was living hell to view, If there's mild swearing like this put at least a 14+ warning for swearing.
A ruined pride, that mirrored man did teach.
-
And as the tears increased, so did the dread;
Perhaps I mold myself to him instead.


Overall, I liked it. Very straightforward and understandable poem about vanity and what it can do to a person, and honestly, it flowed very well. It mostly rhymes, and it makes sense. Very well done.

Good job.

Give me your soul--

Kara





Every time someone steps up and says who they are, the world becomes a better, more interesting place.
— Captain Raymond Holt