There was a boy whose path was bright,
And free from all anxiety,
To see him ripped from heaven's light;
The simple wicked irony.
It was his fear that caused his fall,
And wiped away his piety,
To see him caught in Cupid's thrall;
The simple wicked irony.
Rejected, humiliated,
He soon withdrew his silent plea,
Lost himself in bitter hatred,
The simple wicked irony.
He lives upon a razor's edge,
Dying his deaths so quietly,
Worthless, foolish, odious wretch,
The simple wicked irony.
The vows he'd made throughout his life,
And which he'd upheld tirelessly,
Are severed now by Fate's swift knife,
The simple wicked irony.
I gaze upon this twisted lout,
Bereaved by cruel society,
To take him in to cast him out,
What lovely wicked irony!
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140,653 Literary Works • 673,580 Reviews
Hello Tuesday here for a review. I like to begin that this poem is lovely and good. I enjoyed the little rhymes you put into this piece to create a central image for the reader when they read this. Also I enjoyed the repetition of The simple wicked irony. as to summarize what has happened before that line. I also like how you used something from a real world type because this could somewhat relate to someone or something.
A few things that need to be added or corrected here.Now to the review:
. The comma adds a break in the sentence you have here. Gives the reader a chance to stop and continue on with what they read.
If I could suggest something for this (you don't have to take it, of course) but instead of the , you could change it to It was simple wicked irony but like I said before, you can leave it. It is up to you as you are the poet
probably know better.It was his fear that caused the fall for it was his fear that caused his fall . Sometimes repeating an pronoun (?) is good for some place but for this, it seems forced or something.
I liked the bright words you used here. Describes his fall with the words and that is awesome work!
The second line seems a little... dull to me that is. Add more bright (complex) words to that and give it some color
or something. Same goes to the third line (but you can keep it).He lives upon
athe razor's edge.This seems a little redundant as in the second line. Also seems to be a worded wrong or rather the grammar seems a little... off.
Dying his deaths so quietly, I think you are trying to say Dying, his deaths came so quietly or something. It is up to you again.
Overall, I enjoyed the little rhyming you have here. Adds a image of what the reader is going to read. Also the mostly the imagery you used here, and most poems cannot grasp that well.
Hope this review made sense
Farewell,
Tuesday
Hey! runawaylove here to review your poem!
That was a really good pice. The word plays were remarkable and the rhymes were simple and smooth. I personally enjoy reading a poem that rhymes and honestly, this was a treat. Writers block is every writer's most dreadful nightmare an my dear friend, after you writing this poem and me reading/reviewing it, it's safe for us to say that you have successfully come out of that writer's block. Congratulations!
My favourite stanza is:
"It was his fear that caused his fall,
And wiped away his piety,
To see him caught in Cupid's thrall;
The simple wicked irony."
Now, the only criticism I have is that the phrase "simple wicked irony" was a little too repetitive. It would be somewhat better if it was used in more spaced intervals. Otherwise, I loved this poem. The short mention of bereaved by society added a rebellious tone to it. I hope you found this helpful. Keep writing!
Hello.
Great poem Chaser, nice word play. The story goes very well with the refrain "the simple wicked irony" and the rhymes are not forced, rather suave.
There's a thin line between simplicity and drabness, and you're smoothly strolling on that line with this poem. The imagery is great and it's refreshing to the brain, especially, the rhymes. Reading the poem out loud makes me feel accomplished.
There's no end to improvement. Keep writing better and better.
Hello there Chaser! To start off with, I really like your wordplay. Words are so rarely utilized in their truly enjoyable fashion. This is not just to mean rhyming or rhythmic words, but also words that just sound nice together- for instance...
"And wiped away his piety,
To see him caught in Cupid's thrall;"
and
"Worthless, foolish, odious wretch,"
aaaand
"I gaze upon this twisted lout,
Bereaved by cruel society,
To take him in to cast him out,
What lovely wicked irony!"
Those are times I thought your wordplay and voice was at its finest! But beyond flattery, I do have some critiques. As much as I like the phrase you've made "simple, wicked irony", I don't feel like these situations are remarkably ironic, per say, and the extensive repetition takes away from the uniqueness of your voice and the phrase you've made.
Overall, I enjoyed the feel and pace of the piece, as well as the language manipulation. Keep it up!
- Renn
I really like this, remind me to review tomorrow after sleepy time? :')