It was a terrifying time when talent struck
And caused the life once led to sink
Beneath the tumult of screaming stands.
Shouting to them with lungs of iron
The rhapsody of passion in the bright
ease of life and effort, work and chance.
And yet the bands of time distort the chance
In lieu of loss was the champion struck
with decadence that negated the bright
light, causing the citadel to sink.
Silver medals bite with the sting of iron,
There’s too much room in empty trophy stands
And too much space beneath the one who stands
at the edge, clutching at the shadow of a chance
Only to see their fingers clutched in iron.
Twisted and broken back, their entire body struck
With a crippling bolt of doubt; they sink
in sentiments of “too talented and not too bright.”
For as long as their talent was bright
There was naught but joy in the stands
But now in ease and trickery they sink
For no one can believe it stands a chance.
For some, it means to have the record struck
And alchemize gold medals to chains of iron.
And now the peace resides in the iron
as it smoothes out the laundry, bright
afternoon light, wind chimes struck
with nostalgia and the roar of stands.
Reminisce the days of strength and chance
as last night’s dinner rots in the sink.
What was it again, that caused my life to sink?
What is this fate; is this the pride I earn?
Why did I believe those corrupted chants
Of the crowd, when only the floodlights were truly bright?
There is nothing now, merely a broken stance
of passion petrified as talent struck.
The talent-struck are doomed of this fate, and sink.
Bright dreams find themselves trapped into glints of iron
For no one can believe it stands a chance.
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140,667 Literary Works • 673,586 Reviews
Hello, Chaser. Steam1244 here to give you a review! This poem is really neat, unfortunately I didn't understand part of it. The second stanza confused me a lot, sorry. I loved the 6th stanza though! I loved it because you question everything, and I don't see that a lot (unless I'm reading the wrong poems, I don't see it a lot). There was a few grammar mistakes that I have noticed throughout your poem. Yes, I know, everything can't be perfect, nor will it ever be! I loved your choice of words, although, that was partially what confused me. I also feel as if somethings were unclear to me. I feel as if that needs to be fixed, emphasize the need. I'm sorry for being a bit harsh,but trying to be very honest.Oops, but I still loved it! Your poem was very interesting to me and magnificent. I thank you for your time and I hope you have a great day!
Keep Writing,
Steam1244
Hi there, Chaser! Crimson here for a review.
Two things before I begin. One, I am not at all familiar with sestina. I did look it up first, and it sounds really cool. I kind of want to try it myself, actually. Two, I can be occasionally a bit harsh; just remember I'm trying to give you an many pointers on possible.
There are a few lines here that I felt were missing punctuation. The first and third lines of the first stanza are some examples, but there are other. Mostly commas and periods, really. They don't all need it, but it may help with readability.
The meaning of the second half of the first stanza is... Completely opaque to me, unfortunately. I'm not much of a grammar buff, so I couldn't tell you exactly what it's missing, but it's definitely missing some part of what norvsmolly makes up a sentence.
Overall, I felt the meaning of the poem was pretty unclear. It seems like a fairly complex form, so I can imagine working with it could be quite tricky. You may need to run through it, and try to ensure that there's a definite narrative thread... If that's what you want. Otherwise, I'd recommend you clarify the imagery somewhat, as there are several places where the images feel... Half-finished. Incomplete.
It was an interesting read! Keep at it; this seems like a troublesome form, so kudos for even attempting it!
Cheers,
Crimson.