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139,529 Literary Works • 672,599 Reviews
Ah, I'm just reading this now somehow?
This is a really strong poem Blue, and everyone who said the message is golden is absolutely right.
Here's some thoughts:
Your stair step rhyming/repetition with these three lines is really interesting, and makes it really catchy sound-wise- like at this point in the poem, I was thinking it'd be a really dynamic spoken word piece. I don't know if this was edited from when the first couple reviews were written, but I would say your enjambment is actually really good - because it succeeds in making the reader read more quickly at a crucial part in the poem, and also creates a skippy rhythm from the hidden repetition. - The repetition would be annoying if it fell in the same place of the line each time, but it stays interesting because it switches up.
^ The wrapping the rhymes in the middle and ends of the lines, through repetition sort of amps up the pace of the piece - because you're breaking up the lines in different ways each time the phrase repeats, I think this makes the last 3 lines fall a little slower too, because the reader isn't caught by enjambment anymore.
Yeah I think the formatting of all this was just perfect, and a poem about imperfection would be kinda hypocritical if all the lines were 100% even I think, so I even like the paragraph poetry look pushed into one stanza, because it's a bit more rebellious, and lets readers appreciate those line-breaks.
I liked the imagery throughout because it was really specific, but also completely relateable. Like gosh I'm sick of flats killing my feet, and overthinking pictures. And I think a whole lot of people can relate to those images/moments. I like that rather than just saying, "sometimes I'm self-conscious of pictures I'm in" you showed what that looks like - so you did a good job "showing" rather than "telling" creating a really vivid feeling in the first few lines of the poem, that the reader could share with the speaker / and then have their expectations of the mood/tone of the poem change as the poem concluded to it's positive ending.
A little critique:
I really like the parallelism in the poem from the first to second halves, but there were two parts I thought could be improved. I wish that the escalators / stairs had made some sort of reappearance at the 2nd half of the poem like the other images did, even in using like "ups and downs" language or something - because declaring boldly "I struggle with escalators!" doesn't seem as brave & significant comparatively to the rest of the poem which sort of heightens into a "I'm going to be me, whether or not that fits in." So that for me wasn't quite as full circle, but I did like how you used the rest of the images. I also think you could have had a line in the first half that demonstrated the "Loving with anything less than my whole heart" - because I'm not sure the escalators or picture-taking quite got there , and it seems like there must be some sort of similar type of image you could get in that would lead into that conclusion at the end.
Overall, this is a really well written poem, but also one that is enjoyable to read, and I think impactful. Well done Blue, I'm happy that I stumbled across this now, even if it's a few months late.
- alliyah
Thanks for the review! I have actually since revised this (and,,,submitted it to a journal YIKES, I actually meant to hide it from the website for that reason but I forgot??? But I'll probably worry about that after you've at least seen this comment). The escalators and stairs were replaced by other things that went along with the fitting/not fitting motif (namely, packing stuff for trips and cramming luggage into overhead bins). So I know you haven't seen the updated version, but hopefully that fixed the issues you pointed out!
Oohh exciting! Good luck with the journal, fingers crossed!
Thanks!
I love love love love love love love love this so much! Many people, including me, can definitely relate to this in some way. Maybe not the last part as much, but eventually theyĺl get there. Relatability is a really good thing to have in a poem. It draws the audience in and keeps them interested. Then the positive spin on it made it even better because it takes something that everyone can relate to and tend to view as flaws and it makes them feel better about themselves and who they are. That was an unnecessary rant, sorry. Anyways, I really do like this poem, but I would've added stanzas. The words get all messy with no break in them and such a cute message needs to be heard. That's it though. The rest is adorable. Keep on writing! - Avery <3
Also if you meant to not have structure to go with the whole faults thing, that's totally fine too. I just now realized that the way it's structured could've been an artistic choice. Sorry! -Avery <3
Thanks so much for the review! Normally I actually do stanzas! But I felt like keeping it all jumbled together was the way to go with this particular poem. I'm glad you liked it.
Okay, I thought so! I was confused at first and it didn't click with me because your writing is so lovely that I wouldn't think you had stanza issues, but as I thought about it I realized that it was most likely on purpose. Sorry for the mix-up!
No problem! You never know, it could've been stanza issues - even if the writing was good I might not have understood the value of stanzas or something, so it's always worth noting something that throws you off, even if the author doesn't take the suggestion!
The message is Golden <333. This was a lovely read for me especially cuz i'm bad a at a lot of these too lol, kinda an 'i'm not the only one (yay)' moment. The last five sentences are my absolute favorite. I admire your thought process so really nice art <3. Divine.
Thanks so much for reading! I'm glad you liked it. (Also I'm def bad at just the dumbest things, so you are DEFINITELY NOT ALONE.)
I was going to comment on how much I loved the imagery, but I love the message even more. I just find it to be really relatable. <3
Thanks! <3 I'm glad you liked it.
I reallly, I really like this poem. I love the unbroken style-- it gives it a sort of energy and makes me feel like you're talking right next to me. I love that the poem had a positive message-- I was sort of expecting a depressing ending, but it didn't, and that made me happy. I love that it starts as just an ordinary list but quickly morphs into much more. I love the visual metaphor of the ugly stepsisters. I just love this poem so much!
(Maybe I should just call this review "Things I Love About This Poem"?)
Omg the end of that review made me giggle! Thanks so much for reading.
Your poem has a nice originality to it, as well as a nice choice of words. The only problem I have with it though, is the fact l’aime of your sentences go on for some time; it’s not really a problem- but it destroys the flow. Just saying. Then after that there is the title. It’s fine, really; but a poem should be kinda independent of a title- which basically means maybe you could repeat what you wrote in your title somewhere in the poem. A lot of people do it at either the beginning, climax; or end. Then there’s the way you shaped your stanza (because I see only one) where your sentences are sometimes this way
“Wearing flats—I gave to bandage my heels,
Stuff the toes, curl my feet in on themselves”
Instead of
“Wearing flats
I have to bandage my heels, stuff the toes, curl my feet in on themselves,”
I mean, you can do that.. but changing a line means usually one of these two things:
•you’re changing point/imagery
•you’re trying to make a rhyme
But since there are no rhyme and no imagery or change of point- I’ll go for the fact this was by pure choice of.. of who knows what. And of course, the imagery.
I would be inclined to say that all the things you’re “bad at” are metaphors- because of your age and the way you link all these things you’re bad at with being yourself- but then the things you describe might just as well as being things you’re really bad at. Still, the idea of metaphors would be kinda poetic seeing how you developed that at he end.
My advice would be to shorten your sentences
Add imagery/metaphors/personification/..
Be less dependent on the title (I mean you probably referee to the title at some point, but it was kinda unclear because you moved on in quite a rush)
Thanks for the review!
Hey, you're a good writer. I'd like to say that you need to experiment with enjambment more. In the line "an over abundance of laughter" should be all one line. Leaving off at "of" makes it kind of lacking in its quality to produce an image or understanding in the reader's mind.
I would remove "things might be easier". It does have emotional charge, but it lacks a lot because it's a general statement. General statements are good to start with, but not good to end with, or in this case, near end with. "But I'm bad at fitting into too-narrow shoes" ends much better, without the "things might be easier." Also, I would remove "too-" it's going to be understood that the shoes are too narrow anyway, since you're struggling to fit into them.
"Fitting keys into locks. Smiling" This is good enjambment. Very good. I like it a lot.
And quite a sad ending, if I do say so myself.
Thanks for the review!