little green eyes
narrowed in her direction
focus
on a swing set graceful
in weak winter light
tremors rise to the
epicenter of a continental
continent where plates buckle
and break
cracking fault lines beneath
the globe
swing set, slide
sink into the earth
to meet rising magma far
below the foundations
shaken to their roots
beneath it all
one pale, desolate body
with thin limbs and
cracked bones lies
sleeping
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,742 Reviews
Heyy, i really like this piece,
i love the way you build a picture of the situation on our heads, the description is fantastic. the way in wich the main charachters personality is portrayed is very powerful at the start and innocent at the end, i really loved this.
keep writing XxX
I personally like little things such as "continental continent," though I can see how others may think it's a bit redundant. It's ultimately your choice, either way.
Overall, I really, really liked this piece. Your word choice was great, and I was most certainly focused, watching it all play out in my head. My only suggestion would be a add a bit of punctuation, but to be honest, it really wouldn't matter either way, because the poem is just that great. Some people leave out punctuation to show destruction, anyway. It works.
Awesome job on this one, thanks for sharing! Keep it up.
I agree, continental continent is a bit redundant.
But again, I am starting with the bad, which I shouldn't be.
Intense is the word I connect with this poem. One could say that it's too short, that there isn't enough of the poem to impress, but I think it's just enough. Every word is right where it should be, you create images with as little as possible. Impressive. And also very sad.
Sometimes it's a bit hard to read, because you don't use much punctuation. I'm not even sure if that's a bad thing, it just makes you read something twice and think about it.
Where did the idea for this come from?
Yes, it was depressing, yes it was violent. But I enjoyed it. I thought that the shortness of it was nice, making it simple and quick to read. and yet....
"tremors rise to the
epicenter of a continental
continent where plates buckle
and break"
can you see the redundancy of "continental continent?"