[transcript of photo at bottom]
[three]
one way to be happy:
glistening and golden and shouting on the shore.
people think happiness is loud.
it needs to shout,
to laugh,
to splash into the ocean,
to dive down deep and come up dripping,
grinning,
before it splashes back to shore.
they don't see
another way to be happy:
bare-foot stepping through the sand alone.
people think silence is misery
and if you won't run shouting into the ocean
you're a sanderling,
a stilt-legged shorebird
scuttling afraid when the waves roll in.
I love the waves,
but I don't need to splash in them.
I love the ocean,
but I don't need to swim in it.
there's a quiet delight
in finding tide pools,
in following turtle tracks,
in unearthing a cowrie shell,
shining,
worn smooth by the sea.
people fear solitude and silence, but
there's a quiet joy in seeing
the whole round horizon
stretched out before you
in feeling how
in
sig
nificant you are
and knowing that's okay.
I don't swim in the ocean,
but I'll walk along the water's edge
forever.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,020 Literary Works • 672,734 Reviews
I love this so much! :0
Thanks!
Hey BluesClues!
I'm going to give you a review!
I loved the whole of your poem, probably because I feel that way myself when I'm out in nature. Your line
really resonated with me. It made me realize that many so many people surround themselves with noise and bustle that they miss these moments in life. Sure, swimming in the ocean is fun, but walking along it is too.
I liked the way you compared the person to a bird, it just gave the poem more depth.
In all, I think you have a great writing style and a beautiful concept here.
Keep writing
-Shadeflame
Thanks! I'm glad you enjoyed it.
Hi Blue, I'm dropping in to review!
First of all, I love the content and the pacing of this piece. It walks along the shore, just like quiet happiness. The imagery is on point as well. It's not too flowery, but it paints a landscape with few brushstrokes.
I'm searching my brain for constructive criticism, and the only thing I can say is that you use big concept and broad words a lot. This does function for what you are trying to achieve in the poem, but I would love to see you use more specific vocabulary. Addressing the broad issue-- I feel like this poem would be more powerful if it was directed at a specific person. When you say "people," it includes everyone. If you address it to a specific person, you can turn that person into a symbol of that loud happiness, as well. For example's sake, you could write it to an older brother. There's this symbol of masculinity that also is relatable to a lot of people. So instead of saying "people think happiness is loud," you could replace it with "you" and make it second person, or even give his title as brother. Already, that brings a specific character into the poem that readers can focus their attention on, rather than the broadness of society.
Big concept words like love, fear, forever, are not bad inherently, but your imagery is so strong that you can carry the poem without them. Use of these words tells the reader how the narrator is feeling. But poetry, as you know, is not about telling. Try going back and see how many big concept words you can replace with senses and imagery. I also noticed that while you have a lot of visual and audio imagery, the other senses are missing. Not all of the senses have to be in every poem, but how does it feel to be "bare-foot stepping through the sand alone?" Your imagery is already rich, but you can make it even better by including more.
I feel like the ending is a little off. The last three lines feel almost tacked on. I think it might be more powerful to end it with "that's okay." It's a clean break, it doesn't have an aftertaste of forever. It's a more present ending. I'm not sure if that makes sense! I just feel like taking away the last three lines would benefit the poem.
As much as I've gone on about changing your poem, it's totally up to you. It functions as you intended it to. You get your point across, and you don't neglect pacing or imagery. I really enjoyed reading this, and I hope that you're having fun writing a few poems for NaPo! You're awesome!