Hey Blue! I'm here for some comments!
Here are my thoughts:
Stanza 1
I like this one a lot, the premise/set-up is very solid. And I like the addition of the nicotine-stained apartment because it's a great image that definitely portrays that "grown-up, first apartment feel that doesn't quite feel like a home" and the stained connotation also goes well with the rest of the poem too which has a white/pure contrast (ie. white town & country, possibly white-picket-fence, winter, church) so it sets up a visual contrast with the rest of the poem
Stanza 2
For some reason the phrasing of these two lines did not feel very developed. I like the "putting the car in park" but I think it's almost too direct to say "I feel more homesick than before". It's like if you wrote a love poem and suddenly wrote, "I just feel like I love them"... too much telling, not enough showing, and at this stage in the poem the reader hasn't gotten to any of the nostalgic images to be tracking along with you.
Stanza 3
I think this would be better as one long run-on. Because the sentence that begins in "And" sort of trips me up because placed there I was expecting it to be a new thought. The details are nice and unique, good imagery.
Stanza 4
Nice example of progressive repetition. Each time you name another thing that's gone, the mood gets more intense - I wonder if you could culminate that list in a comment about your parents rather than the note about the town and country. Because as is, it reads. "no dog. no animals. no CAR!" and it doesn't quite capitalize into the natural drama of the form you're using.
With less familial details in this version, I also feel like the line about dad eating poutine is feeling a bit out of place/random - I really liked the detail "empty fascade on the river, but am having a hard time placing relevance into the poutine detail. I like the detail about people not knowing the speaker.
Stanza 5 & 6
I'm not sure why "think" is changed to "thinking" from the beginning. And after reading I'm not sure it culminated into enough meaning.
I think the conclusion/meaning of the poem could be even more focused. For instance, what exactly are you trying to portray with the fences, notes of loss, happy memories, and people not knowing the speaker. The poem's set-up premise at the beginning is that the speaker's home-sickness is related to a desire not to grow up. I think that you could take each of the details you use in the middle two stanzas and hold them against that premise to see if they add or distract from that. I think the two details that most build on that are the 16th birthday & the people not knowing the speaker. I think the rest of the details could make the connection // but I think the connection could be more directly stated.
If you can use the fences or the house changing as some metaphor for the speaker changing somewhere at the end I think that could even give more continuity.
Mostly it feels like the poem could commit a bit more in what direction/meaning is supposed to come from the poem - rather than just a scattering of memories, I think the poem will be more effective if it culminates into something especially because you set-up that premise in Stanza 1, so as a reader, that's what I'm expecting to hear.
Overall, it's an enjoyable poem to read still, and this version I think feels a lot less like details are randomly placed in, though you may still be able to work a bit on the poem culminating into some direct united meaning - I think that'd also strengthen the emotional impact of the poem.
Let me know if you have any questions about my review!
alliyah
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