untitled

BlueAfrica wrote:It only hurts them

To say nothing of progress—
Women’s suffrage! Civil rights!
(corporate control, rising gas prices—
Five dollars they say this May but what of it?) This sounds unfinished. It's a bit long, too. I'd make it sound a bit more complete and then split it into two lines.
Freedom is as freedom does, let freedom ring!

A journey of a thousand miles
Begins with a single step, a leap, a bound,
But why walk when you can
Support your local (gas companies) businesses! That's kind of weird. Reminds me too much of some commercial.
We will not send you from our sight! "Send" isn't quite the right word.
(but you can go if you care to pay travel expenses.)

It’s all the things they never say,
The implications: Read between the lines,
It’s all there: Just elect us
Again – third time’s the charm! they say; That first clause sounds somewhat forced and out of place.
I believe in freedom, liberty (justice for some),
And the United States of America!

(But I will not take a stand
On any of the fucking issues, because half of you
Will disagree, and who wants to deal with that shit anyways?) Spread out the cuss words.
Senator, governor, what do you think of
Abortion, education, gay rights? And all of them reply
With great pomp and no (circum)stance: Sounds out of place.

(I will talk you round and round about freedom
And safety and economy and malarkey until you can’t even remember Too long.
What the question was,) and when I am elected
(I will make things worse like every buffoon who came before me.) "Buffoon" sounds forced.
I believe in truth.

This has potential, but needs some work.

Firstly, I recommend giving it an actual title, simply because thre are quite a few works on this site alone.

Secondly, I think that the form is quite jaunty and clunky. I understand that you’re mainly considering getting your message across but that should not distract from the form.

I recommend spacing it out more and losing the italics and brackets.

This has potential, but needs some work.

Firstly, I recommend giving it an actual title, simply because thre are quite a few works on this site alone.

Secondly, I think that the form is quite jaunty and clunky. I understand that you’re mainly considering getting your message across but that should not distract from the form.

I recommend spacing it out more and losing the italics and brackets.

Hey Blue,
I like this poem a lot, and in its uniqueness I find it hard to criticize. However, I'm not quite sure what you're saying from a political viewpoint. In that sense you're a bit inconsistent. Were you trying to say that you have a dislike for politicians in general and you hate political parties? (Me too!) If so, maybe you should make that a little more obvious than just your last paragraph.
Keep writing!
-Alex

It only hurts them

To say nothing of progress—
Women’s suffrage! Civil rights!
(corporate control, rising gas prices—
Five dollars they say this May but what of it?) Always there, isn’t it
Freedom is as freedom does, let freedom ring!

A journey of a thousand miles
Begins with a single step, a leap, a bound,
But why walk when you can
Support your local (gas companies) businesses!
We will not send you from our sight!
(but you can go if you care to pay travel expenses.) How true.

It’s all the things they never say,
The implications: Read between the lines, Great lines here
It’s all there: Just elect us
Again – third time’s the charm! they say;
I believe in freedom, liberty (justice for some), There are always the people they backstab
And the United States of America!

(But I will not take a stand
On any of the fucking issues, because half of you
Will disagree, and who wants to deal with that shit anyways?) Amen!
Senator, governor, what do you think of
Abortion, education, gay rights? And all of them reply
With great pomp and no (circum)stance:

(I will talk you round and round about freedom
And safety and economy and malarkey until you can’t even remember
What the question was,) and when I am elected So true
(I will make things worse like every buffoon who came before me.)
I believe in truth.