every time you swallow your tears
how much water damage does the dripping cause
how much does it eat away at your throat, your ribs
and when you smile when you feel like crying,
how many of your teeth crack with the effort
of holding your jaw that way
how many fractures split your bones, your heart
how many times does strength cause you pain
how many times can you pretend before it breaks you
how many bruises can you hold inside you
before it's too many
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Canary word: Present
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,742 Reviews
Hey there! MapleWay dropping by with a short review!
This was a very deep and well-executed poem. I especially enjoyed the concept. It, (At least for me) was relatable. I tried to narrow the poem down to a favorite part but I just couldn't seem to do it! And as for things, I would change I can't really think of any!
- Great poem! Maple
Thanks for reading!
Heya, Ruby here with a review!
WWW: I love the actual theme of the poem. It brings the reader to properly engage with the writing and makes them question how happy they really are. It works really well so I commend you in the thought aspect. I also love the fluidity of your words, they slowly fall into one another and create a tension for the reader which I like a lot.
EBI: More, I genuinely need more of this. I do like the short snappy structure you have used but I NEED MORE! it is so short and I I just feel it could be expanded on more. Maybe instead of skipping from theme to theme, use another line to expand and describe the feeling more. It wouldn't be as short but not long to bore anyone. (This is only my opinion so don't take it to heart). I think at the end of some lines we need a question mark.
"How many fractures spilt your bones, your heart"
should have a question mark due to the statement asking the reader something. This is for most the lines also. This could be for another effect so I apologize if I'm wrong, but I just think the punctuation mark is needed more.
Overall, it is beautiful to read and the ideas you have carried across is fluent and very clear. I do like how it is free to interpretation however still gets the across the general message. There are some grammar errors but I wouldn't worry too much about them. Mine are terrible but are getting better the more I write.
Have a good day/night and stay safe!
Love Rubes x
Thanks for the review!
Hello! My name is Via and I'm here for a review! So... let's get started!
POSITIVES:
First and foremost, I LOVE THIS POEM! This poem showcases a multitude of strong emotions and feelings. The theme and mood are well established. Everything portrayed is so relatable to everyone in general, and perhaps those who suffer from depression especially. I know from my perspective as a teenager who battles depression and anxiety, this resonates so well with me.
I think everyone can take something away from this poem. The idea of pretending to be okay for many reasons. Whether that be for yourself, for the sake of others, etc.
Your imagery and metaphors are impeccable. I love the usage of the metaphors to put a picture behind these feelings or rather bottling up of feelings, or simply pretending they don't exist.
My favorites in particular were
This is just beautiful.
Rhythm wise, overall your poem is somewhat consistent. And thank you for keeping commas. I think the commas are necessary to keep the rhythm flowing nicely.
CRITIQUES:
Overall, these are just suggestions. They might just be me being picky, but bare with me.
First of all, I think periods are needed. While you keep commas, you forgo periods. I think periods would do the poem some good for two reasons; 1. to add emphasis to certain points, 2. to enhance the flow.
The lack of capitalization is often used for a more stylistic approach, but I don't really think it's necessary. You can keep it or not, it's up to you. That might just be me being picky though.
Finally your line
I think you can use enjambment and put "your ribs" in a separate line. I think it would sound better like that, but it's entirely up to you.
Overall, this poem is so beautiful and I loved reading it. Keep writing!
Thank you so much for the review! I like the way you broke it down!
You%u2019re welcome
Man. This is a beautiful poem. It hit me too hard for me to think coherently enough to come up with a review, though.
Keep writing, Blues. You're amazing. <3
Thank you so much!
Hey Blue! <3
Let's jump into it!
I hope you're okay with being my guinea pig for a new reviewing method I'm testing out for poetry. It'll basically be an analysis of several different areas of the poem, much more structured than my reviews usually are. I hope that by doing this I'm able to give you a very thorough and broad review that touches on a lot of aspects of your poetry. But don't worry, I'll still be inserting my Signature Snark TM throughout the review
First Impressions
My first impression was honestly "dang, that's powerful". There are some really powerful visuals in here that *show* the damage caused by pent-up emotions. My personal favorite was "fractures split your bones, your heart". The idea of an emotional fracture is a clear, vivid image that shows that emotional pain can be as painful, perhaps even more so, than a bone fracture. Towards the end, the repetition builds up an intensity that is beautifully resolved in the last line. It's a really beautiful, powerful, punch-you-in-the gut poem, which is honestly a bit annoying from the reviewer standpoint because I don't know how to make it better BUT I WILL TRY
Structure
Okay, so jumping into the structure here, I was at first skeptical of your decision to make this all one stanza. However, after reading it, I think I agree with that decision; it works for this poem. On first readthrough, the structure didn't really jump out at me, which I would count as a win since it means your structure isn't detracting from your message. Looking through it again, I think there are a few super minor tweaks that would give your structure some more . . . structure.
So my first thought is, it feels like you have a very natural break between the two halves of this poem. The line "of holding your jaw that way" is syllabically short and separates the two ideas that you develop in your poems. This line is also syllabically close to the final line of the poem, "before it's too many". Between the three short lines in the poem, you have four lines. These lines could be fairly easily set up to mirror one another to create a more defined structure. For instance, there are two lines in the poem that deviate from the rest of the poem but mirror each other:
To make these halves of the poems parallel, you could fairly easily flip these two lines:
without really altering the meaning of the poem or the effect of that stanza. Then boom, parallelism.
Another thing you could do to build that parallelism between the two stanzas is to either change this line:
to
OR
change this line:
to
to create a parallelism in the beginning of the lines between the two stanzas. Personally, I think I prefer the second one since I think the "and" adds some suspense, but it's entirely up to you! I think the parallelism between these stanzas in general could be pretty powerful in terms of spicing up that structure.
Macro: Themes
So I have notably fewer comments here, with one thought being that you could perhaps introduce the idea of bruises earlier in the poem? It's definitely the decided punch of the poem, but since it's in the title as well, incorporating it as more of a thread throughout the poem rather than a one-off at the end. Likewise, I think it could have been neat to continue the theme of water throughout the poem, potentially adding a line like "until the faucet/dam breaks" or something to continue that idea. Right now, I think it's lacking a bit of resolution. That's totally up to you to play with, just some things I noticed as I was contemplating the different themes and how you resolve each of them.
Micro: Word Choice
Again, far fewer comments here. I think that "eat away", in the third line, could possibly be changed to "erode", as that's a stronger word, directly connected to the idea of water damage, and a little more concise. Likewise, I don't love the word "holding" in the 6th line; possibly "twisting" could better convey the discomfort involved with that posture? And finally, I think it could be interesting to replace the word "ribs" with "heart" in the third line for two reasons. First, it would bring in a broader theme to that third line. Second, parallelism, baby.
Conclusion
Overall, this is a really awesome poem! It took me like, five reads to come up with the critiques I was able to develop, and even then a lot of these comments are pretty minor tweaks. The raw emotion expressed in this poem is beautifully delivered and really soul-touching. I did my best to give you some feedback on a lot of different areas, so I hope that you're able to pull at least something helpful from this
very ramblyreview! And if you would like any clarification on any of these points feel free to reach out; it's 2:30 AM right now and I make no guarantees that I'm coherent haha.Best,
Tuck
Ahhhh thank you so much for all this feedback! I feel like this might be a good poem for sub once I wrestle into the shape it needs to be, so I really appreciate having so much feedback to work with
<3
and I definitely already looked it over like "okay okay I see what they're saying here YESThis seems like a good poem review format
I really enjoyed this poem. It's unique because it perfectly captures complex thoughts, emotions, and feelings. I think the poem can be interpreted in a few different ways, or maybe all of the following: heartbreak, depression, anxiety, or possibly another mental illness. The line about "smiling when you feel like crying" really hit home with me. It's also very relatable because I think a lot of people have tried to hide their pain from others at one point or another.
Thank you for sharing!
Thank you for reading!
I. Love. This. Poem.
You've truly captured heartbreak. (Trust me, I know a lot about that.)
"how many times can you pretend before it breaks you
how many bruises can you hold inside you
before it's too many"
These last three lines are my favorite part. They're the most powerful and meaningful.
Thank you so much for writing this!
Sincerely, Mingan
Remember: Follow your heart, and nothing will go wrong. (Concerning writing.)
Thanks for reading!
;-; <3
<3
Hey, FlamingPhoenix here to leave a small review on your work!
Gosh this poem really hit home. The countless of times I have done this. You did a really great job at explaining what keeping your pain inside does to you, it really does feel like you insides are breaking. I like it that you use bruises it just adds more volume to what your saying.
I would like to mention your word choice is really nice too! I really couldn't have written this any better.
I'm not sure if you wrote this poem because you felt like it, but if you feel depressed or unhappy, I'm always here if you need to talk.
I hope you will continue writing and post again soon! Love your poems!
Have a great day or night and stay warm!
FlamingPhoenix
Reviewing with a fiery passion.
Thanks for the review!