Original Version:
If I could fly like the mockingbird I would
fly away singing in a mocker's voice and
mocking all the sorry earth-bound
non-birds, people wearing worries on
their brows and woven into their wrinkled clothes.
I would soar like the hawk, hawking
worries until they slid from my shoulders
in the slip-stream and fell away, too heavy
for flying. I would not be a bird of sadness;
I would make no nests in people's hair.
I would fly free.
I would live like the phoenix, born not from an
egg but from ashes. I would be born in
ashes and rise from ashes, borne on
a warm wind of fire, and in the end
I would be the fire, and I would die in ashes
and rise again.
Revised Version:
If I could fly like the mocker I would
fly away singing in a mocker's voice
and mocking all the sorry earth-bound people,
non-birds whose cares line the seams of their clothes.
If I could soar like the hawk I would
soar away screeching in a black hawk’s voice
and hawking my worries to whomever would bid
until they slid from my shoulders in the cold slip-stream.
If I could rise like the phoenix I would
rise up piping the phoenix song
and my phoenix self would emerge from the ashes
to fly away singing and soaring and free.
Timmy here for a quick review!
You may get quite a few of these reviews from me in the near future... Once someone out of the blue reviews me, I usually go do some review spamming.
My reviewing style may seem a trifle strange, but you'll get used to it.
Nitpicks first!
I won't nitpick the first version. Only the revised.
This might seem like a silly nitpick, and it probably is... You mention "mocker" in a repetition for the first stanza and "phoenix" as a repetition in the third... But this one stands out in the fact that you describe the hawk in the second line, when you leave the others for the imagination.
Faving time and Style
Sorry if I couldn't find any nitpicks to speak of... There weren't many! I loved how you showed me the first version, and what you did to mend it. I found that very neat.
Onto the poem itself!
I loved the repetition. Sometimes it almost felt like a haunting memory, coming back with each line... I really love how you used birds here. I like birds. They are really amazing creatures! The phoenix seemed a little Harry Potterish, but it really isn't.
So this was really amazing. The repetition worked extremely well, and the flow was very nice. I loved the topic. Kind of a hopeful despair... (If that is even possible) So this is probably sounding redundant by now, but I loved the whole thing!
Keep writing! You might get some more from me soon...
~Darth Timmyjake
A very well done poem.
Not be a downer just a bit of repetition of the word mocking. 
But I love the birds you chose!!! Each one symbolizes something different for me. The mocking bird to me represents a little "ninja" swift as can be with no gravitational chains. The hawk is a leader, not a follower and has no limits. The phoenix is a bird one of which may be a myth, may not, but has the biggest courage of all.
well hello there im gabrielle(:
let me just be the second to say how beautiful i thought your poem was.
it was honestly inspirational, i believe that this was your own interpretation of freedom and not being caged in but soaring free in the skies, ready for the world to take you(:
this was my favorite pART OF YOUR POEM:
"I would live like the phoenix, born not from an
egg but from ashes. I would be born in
ashes and rise from ashes, borne on
a warm wind of fire, and in the end
I would be the fire, and I would die in ashes
and rise again."
i am very fond of the phoenix bird,
i love what it symbolizes,
it is not born from and egg but from fire ashes
isn't that just remarkable?
phoenix birds symbolize rebirth
so i ask why did you you use it in your poem??
im curious<
i feel like this poem needs a clearer endind
one that i can grasp with both hands.
i am looking forward to reading more work from you(:
Hey!! I am ERZA! And I am here to review your poem....
This is basically a poem about freedom and how you if were a bird you would live free...visiting new places..soaring high in the faraway skies....is not it?
This poem has got so much meaning and expresion...it has also got a philosophical touch to it..
Everything is alright here but thislooks as if it lacks a final touch...also I could imagine all those birds of freedom flying but I could simply not get a definite picture in my mind..this poem is about freedom alright but it lacks colors and mood....its simply crystalline or one faced aannd transparent even...a bit too simple..I think..but its not bad probably because the poet is being honest here and expresses the feeling of wanting to be free in a 'to the point manner'...Overall good work could be properly punctuated but other than that nicely done..!:-):-)