Hey Blue, here to review again for Round 3!
So in this version you took out the theme of "freezing growing up" and replaced the conflict with "loneliness / eating me up inside".
A critique on that -> when you had the "freezing growing up" the detail about the 16 birthday was the most fitting detail to work into the conflict and the other details felt more loosely connected. Now the reverse is true - missing pets, family, grandparents, and people all contributes to the loneliness conflict, but the "sixteenth birthday and restaurant shutting down" really doesn't contribute to it - so I'd maybe take that detail out or add another person/people to that detail. I like that it's a "zooming in" detail, but I'm not sure it's the right one.
This version of the poem makes a nicely implied connection that "home is not a place, but where the people who love you are" - I think that this version of the poem feels more focused with the named conflict of loneliness, and still gets in all the homesick vibes. I do think there are a few areas where you could give it even more continuity thought.
For instance - how do the first 3 lines images show a picture of loneliness? If you added some detail that implied it more like it being quiet or something it might fit in a bit cleaner. I think the ramen noodles and the stale nights link into it, but I think it could all maybe connect more clearly.
Also I'm still a bit iffy about the progression of "dog, animals, van" -> it doesn't make the van feel very significant by the time the first two losses are stated. I wonder if you could change "the town and country" to "their town and country" to show more of a symbolic loss of the grandparents along with the van.
Overall its still a solid poem, and it feels to me like it has a much more committed direction in this version of it, which as a reader I definitely appreciate. Let me know if you had any questions about my review - or anything else you wanted feedback on.
best,
alliyah
Points: 144000
Reviews: 1228
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