Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,022 Literary Works • 672,752 Reviews
Hey Blue, here to review again for Round 3!
So in this version you took out the theme of "freezing growing up" and replaced the conflict with "loneliness / eating me up inside".
A critique on that -> when you had the "freezing growing up" the detail about the 16 birthday was the most fitting detail to work into the conflict and the other details felt more loosely connected. Now the reverse is true - missing pets, family, grandparents, and people all contributes to the loneliness conflict, but the "sixteenth birthday and restaurant shutting down" really doesn't contribute to it - so I'd maybe take that detail out or add another person/people to that detail. I like that it's a "zooming in" detail, but I'm not sure it's the right one.
This version of the poem makes a nicely implied connection that "home is not a place, but where the people who love you are" - I think that this version of the poem feels more focused with the named conflict of loneliness, and still gets in all the homesick vibes. I do think there are a few areas where you could give it even more continuity thought.
For instance - how do the first 3 lines images show a picture of loneliness? If you added some detail that implied it more like it being quiet or something it might fit in a bit cleaner. I think the ramen noodles and the stale nights link into it, but I think it could all maybe connect more clearly.
Also I'm still a bit iffy about the progression of "dog, animals, van" -> it doesn't make the van feel very significant by the time the first two losses are stated. I wonder if you could change "the town and country" to "their town and country" to show more of a symbolic loss of the grandparents along with the van.
Overall its still a solid poem, and it feels to me like it has a much more committed direction in this version of it, which as a reader I definitely appreciate. Let me know if you had any questions about my review - or anything else you wanted feedback on.
best,
alliyah
Thanks for the review! (Again.) I feel bad that I keep going "HELLO YES REVISED AGAIN PLS HELP," especially with how many versions this has gone through, but I feel like your reviews are most helpful once I get to the really tough revisions.
I def feel like the loneliness is much more what I was trying to convey before but just wasn't getting across, so it sounds like there are just a couple times to tease it out a little more?
I think I'll take your suggestion on changing "the" to "their" as well, since in this case the Town & Country is standing in for the grandparents.
I will,,,probably be tagging you in at least one more version of this. *cough*
Sounds good Blue!
I like this one better. Draws my attention pretty well and made me read each line one after another. Straight forward in expressing the mood of the poem. It easily accomplishes reminding how any hometown shifts as time flies. You made me reminisce my younger days.
Kudos.
Thanks for reading! I marked your comment as a review since it's more than two sentences and you have me some good feedback about why this version works for you. And thanks for the follow!