Hi Blues!
First impressions: this is good, although it lacks a little more oomph (oomph is totally a technical term). Your poem, emotionally, reads to me as somewhat dissociated which is totally acceptable since I think everyone is feeling fairly dissociated right now. However, when I evaluate its overall strength, I am confronted with some hills and valleys. In other words, I think the first four lines are powerful, economical, and there's continuity of imagery. The next six lines seem somewhat forced, a little scattered. Consider this:
Spoiler! :
^ also very technical, clearly
In other words, instead of the images + related expression linking up like in that photo in lines 5 to 10, it feels disjointed. There is lack of continuity which is somewhat jarring. Perhaps this was your intent, but at the same time we need to preserve some elements of connectivity. Stand alone, I like these lines. Together, they don't seem to work comfortably and this might be because the beginning and the end maintain springtime imagery, while the middle has more urban and sterile images going on? Sometimes I like to think of a poem as being a string: everything keeps on going and is somehow tied together.
While I also understand you're trying to convey that while our world is working very opposite to normal, things keep on going/there is still some hope, I think it could be more effective if there's more than just "my parents couldn't visit this spring" <-- I would like to read what that looks like. Could you explore this by describing how their car is not moving in your direction? Or something like that.
Overall, I appreciated this because, well, we're all in a similar boat right now. At the same time, I don't think it does the negative social consequences of the pandemic justice - the sadness, paranoia, and mourning for social interactions evades me when I read this. Obviously, this just means a few revisions here and there.
Thanks for sharing and congratulations on NaPo!
Warmly,
Lav
Points: 18486
Reviews: 522
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