It's the kind of energy that needs a quiet autumn evening,
so I give it one.
Long strides past smooth silent trees and
the rippling canal, lungs cracking,
an orange leafy smell away from
noise and candy,
which haven't happened yet but are imminent.
My garden is the only spot of bright color
left in the whole black-and-dead yard,
fun-fear-colored by jack-o-lanterns and plastic tombstones.
Minute upon minute I put behind me,
though not miles
(there are no miles in a small lake-town),
but my legs are not tired when I return,
and I feel like I may never be able to walk enough.
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Canary word: Present
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140,179 Literary Works • 673,037 Reviews
Hey, Blue! I know this is a really old poem of yours, but I saw it when I was looking through your related items on your most recent poem - I just can't resist anything with Halloween in the title.
It's really cool reading an older piece of yours and seeing how much you've improved since then, as well as seeing what parts of your writing style has stayed the same. Like with the last poem of yours that I reviewed, the first thing that jumped out at me was your choice of formatting: you vary it from one line per stanza to three/four. Some of the breaks between lines are choppy, but the breaks ultimately serve as a great way to give emphasis to each one.
You also had a knack for imagery back in 2011, just like you do now. Like with the line breaks, it comes off a little choppy, but overall makes for a nice poem. If you ever do revise this, I would sit down and try to make it feel a little less like a ramble and more like concise observations about the scenery - or go the other way and embrace how much it can come across as a quick stream of thoughts.
My last critique is that the purpose of the poem isn't entirely clear by the end of it, but I think that can be attributed to what I described in the past two paragraphs. I was distracted by some of the awkward wording, so it didn't really click until I saw the last line: you're just describing what a Halloween night.
But besides all of those critiques, this is a really good poem for something that was made a year after you joined the site! It definitely captures the beauty of Halloween.
Thanks for the review! I think my poems in general used to be less intentional than they are now, so that's something I've been working on.
You're welcome! I apologize if it felt awkward reading your old stuff after seeing this review - I just couldn't resist.
Hey There -
This was a pleasure to read, but I have some suggestions...
First - there are a lot of cut and clean syllables - they sort of jut out at you - it isnt a clean rhythm... For example you start of with a sentece that puts the reader in the middle of the action or story, and put yourself into it as well. Then there are a lot of 'L' sounds (long strides, lungs...) and 'S' sounds that give it the smooth, luxorious, relaxed feeling. At the same time there are some harsher sounds... Was that your goal> I personally like a lot of flow and rhythm in my work but it isnt always best... It depends on what works for you...
Not unlike this review, there is also a lot of rambling... That gives it a dawdling, sort of feeling...
This was interesting. Good work. I must admit, the title was a bit unoriginal, and I was hoping for some more imagery, but this is the start of something wondrful, I'm sure. Keep working, paintingtherain - you have potential.
Best Regards -
IamHathor22
This is great. The language was nice. It had a nice sound to it, sharp and clean-cut like the angles on a square. The way you included all of the senses was good, too. But the syllables in the lines were uneven. The lines should sound about the same amount of syllables as each other. I also think you could add a bit more detail. What about the frightful witches that cackle in the streets, little bumblebees toddling down the lanes? I can see this poem definitely going places, though. Keep up the good work, and I look forward to reading more from you.
I liked it. But some more details/imagery can go a long way. But I did enjoy reading it.