Sun streamed golden through new leaves
as Spring sprang forth from grassy ground,
and new blooms bent in easy breeze
as two lay together on fresh ground.
When her head was on his chest,
he took in Springtime happily
and sang songs to her merrily
of love and life and happiness;
and she knew she loved him then,
and embraced him joyfully
when he sang his love her quietly
and kissed her sunlit hair.
Sunlight blazed from far above
as Summer hazed its heatish light;
amongst the flowers Summer Love
grew, spread wings, and took its flight.
Sang they then together now
duets of love so ardently
and watched each other lovingly
with clear eyes filled of tender light;
a rich voice and a sweet
entwined together harmoniously
‘neath a moon shining luminescently
in the quiet velvet night.
Shadows fell on dying grass
as Autumn Harvest Moon rose high,
and rain slid sad down window-glass;
withered leaves rolled slowly by.
He fell to silent, doubting thoughts,
acted and spoke indiff’rently;
she wept long and soundlessly
and believed his doubts lay in her.
As he turned to leave,
she pleaded with him fervently,
but he walked away so silently
without once looking back.
Wind swept sighing over snow
as Winter silence filled the night
and two hearts slept and sang alone
broken songs of broken light.
Not a night went by she did not pass
weeping for him longingly
and crying his name brokenly
as mem’ries kept her company;
and he himself was plagued with dreams
of all that had passed formerly;
he’d wake up breathing heavily
and sleepless stay til morning.
Gray rain whispered in the trees
as Spring was once again renewed;
flowers opened heads and leaves
and bathed in shimmering diamond dew.
He came walking up a garden path,
plodding along wearily,
and saw her standing quietly,
singing songs to flowers new.
He called to her and joined her song,
his voice rolling to her mightily;
she cried tears to him joyfully
as he ran and came and kissed her mouth.
Sang they then together now
duets of love so ardently
and watched each other lovingly
with clear eyes filled of light;
a rich voice and a sweet
entwined as one harmoniously,
wand’ring through life happily,
singing love’s undying hymn.
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140,179 Literary Works • 673,037 Reviews
It's beautiful,i like the way you have used the seasons to create imergery is amazing i enjoyed reading your poem.
- Danielle
I agree with that, but the imagery is really good actually. I like it, it's not something that one can see everyday, and not everyone can write something like this either. It's good.
- Aimee.
Haha, thanks, that's okay...my friends were all, "Seasons of Love!" And then they were like, "Oh, right..."
^_^
I think a name having to do with spring love might be good. Because they fell in love in spring then slowly fell out of it then it was winter and then they feel back in lover. Or that is what I got out of it. So, for a title I think you should have it have something to do with the seasons. I am really horrible at naming my own poems so don't take this too seriously.
A. S.
Truth be told, the thing that bugs me most about this poem is that I could never come up with a good title for it. Any suggestions, or do you think "Heart Song" is just fine???
I know that some of the sentences are really long, and I know there's no way I could get away with that in a story because it would be super obvious and sound really ridiculous. (Speaking of long sentences...) However, I think because it's a poem and the sentences are broken up into lines, this doesn't matter as much - although I guess I don't really have to say this, since you said that might just be your style. I would also like to use an example from e.e.cummings, "anyone lived in a pretty how-town," which has no punctuation or capitalization (and some would probably argue no grammar):
(By the way, I adore that poem.) There are two lines I'd like to clarify real quick: The Summer Love line and the supposed tense changes. The first should actually read "amongst the flowers Summer Love," no apostrophe, because the Summer Love does not belong to the flowers, it is instead growing amongst the flowers. If a comma between "flowers" and "Summer Love" would make this clearer, please let me know. Also, the apparent tense change: I know I use the words "then" and "now" in the same line, but notice that I also use "sang," not "sing." Therefore I have not actually switched tenses, as I'm still using the past tense of the verb. And "now" actually can be used in past tense cases, as in "Now she was really confused, because the poet's explanation made no sense whatsoever."
And like I said in my intro (I think?), the adverbs are not there to rhyme - they're just there to add the illusion of rhyme and give the poem some rhythm.
~Blue
P.S. I hope I don't sound like an arrogant ass in my responses to everyone's critiques. I really do appreciate comments and critiques and constructive criticism - I just also like to clarify my works and give my reasons for sometimes (okay, frequently) refusing to change certain things about which people have made suggestions.........
Awww how beautiful. You have put the utmost love and happiness into shining words. It is a beautiful poem filled of serenity and joy. Good job, I enjoyed it more than anything.
In rhyming poems, I would try to make the middle syllable and the whole of word seem to rhyme rather than the end. This seems to create more of a jig-saw feel to poems, and make it seem like it belongs there. I would also try to use less adverbs, and when you do, don't just rhyme the "ly". Also, when you rhyme words with themselves, it makes the reader stop and go "What? I thought I just read that," and go and re-read stuff to make sure they didn't skip lines or anything.
Okay.
Now I'm done with that part.
Overall, I think this was a nice piece. I like the word choice, though as I said, I'd use less adverbs. I really liked the poem itself-you didn't allow the rhyme to dominate your words, but complimented them with it. Nice job.
-Coral-
I am not really good with grammar, but some of sentences in this sound way to long. I broke some of them up. I just will put in bold blue what I changed.
I didn't feel like individually quoting these so you will have to deal with my laziness. This poem reminds me of those ones that were written a long time ago. You use repletion of the words like 'quietly' and 'joyfully' really well and it adds a great deal to the rhythm of your poem. You do have a tenancy to go back and forth to different tenses. Sometimes even in the same sentence! This is really confusing. It won't take long to read over your poem to check for that. I only pointed out two of the cases. I am not sure if there is more. Another thing you tend to do is make a sentence that has two semi colons (;) that isn't a real sentence. You also need to read it over for that. A lot of your sentences need to be broken up. Some of them are pretty long. They might have an 'and/but' then a ';' then another 'and/but'. Yes that is correct (or at least I think it is), but it is a mouthful. It is O.K. to have some of that, but you need sentence variety. Sorry, I know this is a poem and you don't want to hear about grammar. But, on a poetry point of view this poem is outstanding. None of the rough spots are enough to be noticed too much and it might just be my style. I don't want to force it onto you so I will hold my tong and not say a word.
Hope I helped,
A. S.