Blue-sky wandering round and
round in my head outside the
mathematical equation for
home. Horses gallop past
my open eyes, my neck like the opposite
of a Grecian bust. Sunken shots
sinking players like windy birds falling in
locomotion, a train spitting
smoke and fire that freezes
the earth. The south pasture has
catfish swimming round and
round like the bearded man across
this space between our lips. I shouldn’t
have kissed him—I did and
it was Good like the creation of
Light. Feels like rum running
off the coast of my bloodstream I see that
we two are so like.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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140,206 Literary Works • 673,042 Reviews
I like this. you rely on your concrete images more than abstractions which is something a lot of young poets struggle with. few people in our age group seem to trust their images to do the work, it seems.
couple of suggestions: omit the word Good from the 4th from the bottom line. I think "it was like the creation of/Light" works well enough on its own. also, now that I'm looking back at it, consider changing the word Light to something else. it's okay the way you have it now, but it's tiptoeing along the border of sentimentality. maybe something that uses or alludes to light in some way. "creation of phosphorescence," "creation of oxy-acetylene" if you're feeling wild.
good luck.
I really like this. The way it was written was really clever; I must have read it about ten times starting at different points before I could hit the "reply" button.
The only thing I can point out about it is that the last line is a little difficult to understand.
Do you mean "so alike?"
Maybe it would make a bit more sense if you changed it to:
Other than that I thought it was really good. I would definitely read something else like this again. The imagery is quite vivid and overall it's very interesting to read.
Keep writing!
~MorningMist~