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138,387 Literary Works • 672,113 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm Kate and I'm here to leave a quick review!!
It had to be donee...its a tradition nowFirst Impression
The title on this work is quite an interesting detail I think. It shows that you are enthusiastic but without capitalization or even an exclamation point it feels forced like you are attempting to maintain this charade of enthusiasm when really you don't quite feel up to it. I think your piece expands on this further.
Anyway let's get right to: Kate's Line by Line Reactions;
Let us begin by analyzing the meaning of the message that you're trying to convey here. When I read it I instantly have many thoughts, some pleasant, some less pleasant. This is after all not something one generally enjoys hearing in normal conversation. Generally this indicates something not quite so pleasing to the eye or a bit of an emergency that is often quite offensive on the nose and eyes.
My first step here was to attempt to discern which it happens to be. The use of a full stop instead of an exclamation mark really speaks of this sense of acceptance. An almost descriptive sense to the work as opposed to a panicked or surprised discovery. It feels more like a description of the situation this person is in.
The capitalization choice there is also quite intriguing. Its not anger depicting by all caps, nor is it this sort of defeated acceptance of no capitalization at all but instead we witness a middle ground with just the first letter capitalized. Is this perhaps indicative of acceptance while trying to maintain a semblance of normalcy or is this person so fed up that autocorrect a capital and the person didn't even notice it. I doubt that second one though simply cause of the full stop which suggests more of an intentional choice to obey punctuation.
So in conclusion it speaks of a troubled mind, accepting a tough situation but at the same time maintaining this semblance of dignity and grace in order to appear strong to the outside world. Truly a masterpiece.
I think ultimately it leads me with nothing to suggest really. If this was indeed the message that you wished to convey you've done an incredible job, so hats off to you there. I look forward to seeing more of your work!
Aaand that's it for this oneee!!!
Overall
Overall truly a masterful display of the English language here, conveying such depth of feeling in this turning point of this person's life through the use of just a single and some would even rather simple and informal word. Great job!
As always remember to: Take what you think was helpful and forget the rest!
Kate
P***.
Truly a work that has withstood the test of time. Thank you for sharing your truth and art.
P***.
I imagine this is for training purposes but imagine my disappointment when I got notification of an Icy review and it was this instead xD
xD oh dear, I'm sorry!
wow this is so profound let me dissect this with my bubble tea reviewing method.
Tea Base: The first impression. What did I think about this when I read it first?
Let's disect this.
This line really hit hard. As someone who has bodily functions, I could feel this in my heart.
Add-Ons: What could be added, what could be changed that would improve this work?
This didn't really convey many emotions. Maybe you could have said : or
Toppings: What I loved about this work, What do you think was so genius?
My favorite line was:
this conveyed many feelings, and aided in my understanding.
Straw: Finish off your drink! Any other quips or questions?
Nope! Thank you Batfeesh/Blobfeesh/Feeshlord/Shady/Vyper!
-herbert
wow. this hit hard.
emotional pieces like this tend to pull on my heart strings. u really captured the essence of human nature and how the circle of life is SO SIMPLE. it starts and ends with one thing, and that my friend, is what u wrote. very well done. although it isn't very descriptive, u gave a broad description to where we're still able to know what u mean while leaving room for the over thinkers. maybe name this one potty.
-Cleo Carson speaking
First of all, I'd like to lead off with the quote "Poop." It is excellently descriptive and a true masterpiece of a sentence. Frankly, I agree with this scientific article. This article accurately portrays the birth of the universe, history and pre-history, modern-day events, the future, and even the death of the universe! This is a true masterpiece in general. You really need to go for a Nobel Peace Prize this this work! I must thank you for also answering the question: "Why does the universe exist?" with the very exhilarating answer of "Poop." Thanks again for answering the questions of the universe!
-Corp. C. Carson
-[REDACTED] County Sheriff's Office
Update: The reviews are still making me laugh!
Sigh.
lol
Hi Shady,
Mailice here with a short review!
I am always a great friend of reading an article and I was very surprised at the way you took to create something here.
Let's start by saying that I am surprised that you are very expressive with your article. I especially like this part because you are effectively trying to point something out to the reader.
Especially in connection with the title, I have the impression that this is an attempt to portray humanity in writing. That's why I was very motivated to read through this piece again and again and think about what motivated you to write this. Because I'm maybe missing some incentive, what made this article come out, like a newspaper article or something like that.
That's also a bit of the criticism of your piece. I think it lacks a beginning and the main part. It's almost as if your article is, in a way, just built up to present the conclusion. I think if you expand on that a little bit, the reader can also follow your thought processes, I think that's one of the most important things I'm missing here; the following of thoughts.
On the other hand, I think you also try to visually motivate the reader to think about your work and I am almost satisfied with that. Maybe you could highlight the text in brown colour. That would also come across very critically, convincing even deniers that you are serious and have done enough research to publish it.
In terms of writing style and grammar, I can say it's great. I would even say that you have used easy language and it is suitable for all ages, even for those who are not yet familiar with English.
In summary, it is a very interesting work to read, definitely one of the most controversial and exciting articles here on YWS.
Have fun writing!
Mailice
hahaha oh gosh
I will never manage to achieve the level of review bulsh*ttery that @MailicedeNamedy has achieved.
P***.
*Cracks Knuckles*
Ah S***, here we go again.
P***.
Hello, ShadowVyper! Since this was posted in 2012, not long after you joined, I want to wish you a (very) belated welcome to YWS!
If you need any pointers for your way around the site, feel free to message me or any person in red, dark green, or light green. They can definitely show you around ^^
Anyways, onto the work!!
So, through my impeccable investigation skills, I have noticed that this work appears to be, well, edited. Which is totally fine! However, I do feel like I am missing some context as to what the original work contained. A part of me even feels like I am missing out on the potential masterpiece of the original work. But alas! I do think this alone is a masterpiece! I do have some pointers, though.
As @Carina mentioned in her review (it looks like she didn't actually make it a review. Huh, perhaps a moderator can look into that for her), she explained that a horrendously large amount of this piece is redundant (an alarming amount because this piece has already been edited and condensed).
So, the quoted piece above ^ can be reduced to this:
And retain the same meaning, feeling, and flow as the original piece.
I also would like to talk about the inflection of this piece. Your title (which, ironically, is longer than your actual piece) is titled "I Am Very Enthusiastic". However, your diction does not indicate that. Consider, instead of:
You could try:
Or even:
To achieve that originally stated "Enthusiasm" of your title.
Overall, this piece does not have the structure of an article or an essay, and leaves me feeling lost or confused, so most definitely a poem.
I hope this helps! And I cannot wait to see you write more and leave your mark on the site!
Sighhhhhhh
I think we both know that
who r u?
no u
NO U
Did you see what I did there? This was a very enthusiastic version of your original message c:
omg i luv dis
I really want to leave a review but I dunno what to say...
1. I appreciate the simplicity
2. The simplicity is great
3. I love the simplicity
Just keep writing (very enthusiastically)
Am very tempted to leave this edited version a review: am very sad there are no reviews for this new piece
omg if you don't I will
sigh.
omg lag SIGH AT YOU TOO
i need to do this
wot
wot
wot
poop.
no u
Uno reverse card GO!
*visible confusion*
#classified
👀
i forfeit
@Lib
The emoji and your profile pic's eyes line up perfectly so it looks like the're looking at eachother.
Wait what
i cri
i edited one of my old, old works because I am training one of the new JMs in how to edit titles that have all caps (which aren't allowed) and also how to do rating bumps (i.e. if a work is unrated but has a bad word in it so it needs to be 18 or something) and so I did this and people put it into the spotlight, i--
I think you should delete it %uD83D%uDE02
@Messenger
I think NOT!
I'm sorry Shady, but I think this can be more concise. 25% of this piece is redundant and can be deleted.
Consider the following:
Poo.
and i hate you the most
*oink oink chaos piggy*
Congratulations you found the missing pig! Send in a screenshot to alliyah to let us know the pig is safe and sound and claim your prize! Thank you for participating!
You've found the pig, congratulations!
You've solved the clues and gathered the informations ~
now take a screen-shot and send it in,
but don't like this work or share where you found him - so others can win!
Spoiler
Hey ShadVy! I'm sorry for the late review! I know this might be late for the porgram itself, so I'll just give a Point Out so that you will be guided on your next works!
SIMPLICITY?
On your second paragraph, the tense you used is present perfect tense. Well yes, it's grammatically correct, but simply using 'allowed' can make the sentence shorter and more to the point. And you've mentioned that she just graduated, so you can either use PresPerf tense or past tense itself. This also goes for the others, just for the sake of simplicity.
THE MORE ACTIVE...
...the better. Look at this sentence:
I think this sentence needs to be more active. It's all about action and activity, so you might as well use words which can make the readers picture vivid films of horseback riding and mud racing. Use another word for 'thing', a word more related to hobbies. Or maybe hobby itself...And I think 'being on a horse' is to wordy. Try using figures of speech to make us readers feel what's actually happening!
ANOTHER...CONNECTION
I would like to point out the Bible verse you've inserted to your work. It would be nicer to make a greater coherence between it and the introductory line before it. A little more intro for the Lord is much appreciated! And also, I think it would be better to separate this sentence:
...because it's very emotional and exempting it can make the readers empathize it more.
So Shad, I think those are the only things I can Point Out for now. I wish to help (more quickly of course) the next time
Your pointer out-er,
Alf
Hi Vyper!
The last bit sounds too tacked on. Is it really necessary?
This sounds weird. Maybe She is the third child in her family to graduate from homeschool or to graduate from home-education. Either way, “to be graduated” sounds very awkward.
I think this would sound better condensed and in a slighter more formal tone. Try Being homeschooled her entire life has allowed X to experience a broad spectrum of activities though even that sounds a bit off. :/
Try She has filled many 4-H roles over the years, ranging from Game Leader to Vice President, and has raised a total of fourteen market animal for the 4-H Livestock Sale.
Try X is also a member of 4-H Teen Leaders...
This is a little bit random. It’s such a tiny paragraph it stands out all by itself, but there’s not much to it, so I’m wondering if you could bulk it out or chop it completely.
Try X enjoys horseback riding, particularly trail riding and barrel racing.
Try She believes that the next best thing to being on a horse is riding her four-wheeler...especially when mud is involved! She is also an accomplished hunter and angler [i](could you add in something more here, like how long you’ve been doing this or if you’ve got any achievements or awards from doing it? The sentence reads like a throwaway fragment; you should have something else here as well).
Maybe you could combine this with the previous sentence and put it on the same paragraph. Try She is also an accomplished hunter and angler, and loves trying out new recipes with the game she collects.
Could you give any examples of how it’s been published? Like In her free time she enjoys reading and creative writing, and has had three of her short stories published in local magazines.
---
Hi!
I’ve never come across any program like this before, so I can’t tell how well you’re fulfilling the usual criteria, but it’s very readable and informative. Most of my suggestions are about condensing and clarifying. I hope I’ve not taken away any of the meaning through ignorance, as I don’t know what a lot of the things you mention here are, but you can always tweak to serve your purposes.
Other than that, it reads very well, and I hope you have fun at your graduation! It’s so cool you get a home-schooled graduation as well as regular school students.
PM or Wall me if you have any questions!
-twit
I think this sounds very awkward but its not your fault. I don't know much about these but writing it in the third person makes it confusing to read. Is it suppose to be in third person? I usually stick to creative writings and papers. This will be my first review of something like this so it may not be of much help. Sorry about my ignorance on the subject but lets move onto your review.
Paraphrase with changes:
Sam lives with her parents and younger brother on a small farm in United States that has been in her family for eight generations.
I believe you are trying to say too much in one sentence, makes it awkward.
Improving:
Sam lives with her parents and younger brother on a small farm that has been in her family for eight generations. (then add another sentence on where)
" She believes that the next best thing to being mounted is riding her four-wheeler"
mount is her four-wheeler*
Also just a note: if you are getting more people to review it will be easier if you fill out random information.
Thanks for choosing me as one of your critics:)
Thanks for the help! I'll definitely edit!
For the most part I like it...The only thing is the wording "Be graduated" (in the first paragraph) sounds a little awkward. I'd change it to "to graduate". Other than that, I can't see much wrong. I love the verse you chose! Have fun at the ceremony and good luck in the fall! (and don't forget to fill that info in before you put it in the program
)
Thank you! I will