Young Writers Society

wow. this hit hard.
emotional pieces like this tend to pull on my heart strings. u really captured the essence of human nature and how the circle of life is SO SIMPLE. it starts and ends with one thing, and that my friend, is what u wrote. very well done. although it isn't very descriptive, u gave a broad description to where we're still able to know what u mean while leaving room for the over thinkers. maybe name this one potty.

-Cleo Carson speaking

First of all, I'd like to lead off with the quote "Poop." It is excellently descriptive and a true masterpiece of a sentence. Frankly, I agree with this scientific article. This article accurately portrays the birth of the universe, history and pre-history, modern-day events, the future, and even the death of the universe! This is a true masterpiece in general. You really need to go for a Nobel Peace Prize this this work! I must thank you for also answering the question: "Why does the universe exist?" with the very exhilarating answer of "Poop." Thanks again for answering the questions of the universe!

-Corp. C. Carson
-[REDACTED] County Sheriff's Office

Hi Shady,

Mailice here with a short review!

I am always a great friend of reading an article and I was very surprised at the way you took to create something here.

Let's start by saying that I am surprised that you are very expressive with your article. I especially like this part because you are effectively trying to point something out to the reader.

Poop.

P***.

P***.

Hello, ShadowVyper! Since this was posted in 2012, not long after you joined, I want to wish you a (very) belated welcome to YWS!

If you need any pointers for your way around the site, feel free to message me or any person in red, dark green, or light green. They can definitely show you around ^^

Anyways, onto the work!!

So, through my impeccable investigation skills, I have noticed that this work appears to be, well, edited. Which is totally fine! However, I do feel like I am missing some context as to what the original work contained. A part of me even feels like I am missing out on the potential masterpiece of the original work. But alas! I do think this alone is a masterpiece! I do have some pointers, though.

As @Carina mentioned in her review (it looks like she didn't actually make it a review. Huh, perhaps a moderator can look into that for her), she explained that a horrendously large amount of this piece is redundant (an alarming amount because this piece has already been edited and condensed).

Poop.

Poo.

Poop.

Poop!

POOP!

I really want to leave a review but I dunno what to say...

1. I appreciate the simplicity
2. The simplicity is great
3. I love the simplicity

Just keep writing (very enthusiastically)

Am very tempted to leave this edited version a review: am very sad there are no reviews for this new piece

wot

poop.

*visible confusion*

#classified

👀

Wait what

I'm sorry Shady, but I think this can be more concise. 25% of this piece is redundant and can be deleted.

Consider the following:

Poo.

P***.

Hey ShadVy! I'm sorry for the late review! I know this might be late for the porgram itself, so I'll just give a Point Out so that you will be guided on your next works!

SIMPLICITY?
On your second paragraph, the tense you used is present perfect tense. Well yes, it's grammatically correct, but simply using 'allowed' can make the sentence shorter and more to the point. And you've mentioned that she just graduated, so you can either use PresPerf tense or past tense itself. This also goes for the others, just for the sake of simplicity.

THE MORE ACTIVE...
...the better. Look at this sentence:

She believes that the next best thing to being on a horse is riding her four-wheeler…

She wishes to thank her parents for their patience with teaching her over the years, and for teaching her to serve such a mighty King:

Hi Vyper!

My name lives with her parents and younger brother on a small farm in the county I live in that has been in her family for eight generations.

She is the third child in her family to be graduated from homeschool.

Since she has been homeschooled her entire life, she’s had opportunities to experience a broad spectrum of activities.

She has been in 4-H for many years, serving as everything from Game Leader to Vice President; over the years she has raised a total of 14 market animals for the 4-H Livestock Sale.

She’s a member of 4-H Teen Leaders, which allowed her to earn her 4-H Charting Pin.

My name has been a member of HSLDA’s Generation Joshua for three years. Since joining she has participated in several political campaigns and has attended their summer camp IGovern.

My name enjoys horseback riding; both leisurely trail riding and barrel racing.

She believes that the next best thing to being mounted is riding her four-wheeler…especially when there’s mud involved! She’s an accomplished hunter and angler.

When the cold winter months drive her inside, she practices her hand with new recipes to prepare the game she’s collected.

In her free time she enjoys reading and writing, even having some of her work published.

I think this sounds very awkward but its not your fault. I don't know much about these but writing it in the third person makes it confusing to read. Is it suppose to be in third person? I usually stick to creative writings and papers. This will be my first review of something like this so it may not be of much help. Sorry about my ignorance on the subject but lets move onto your review.

Paraphrase with changes:
Sam lives with her parents and younger brother on a small farm in United States that has been in her family for eight generations.

I believe you are trying to say too much in one sentence, makes it awkward.

Improving:
Sam lives with her parents and younger brother on a small farm that has been in her family for eight generations. (then add another sentence on where)

" She believes that the next best thing to being mounted is riding her four-wheeler"

mount is her four-wheeler*

Also just a note: if you are getting more people to review it will be easier if you fill out random information.

Thanks for choosing me as one of your critics:)

For the most part I like it...The only thing is the wording "Be graduated" (in the first paragraph) sounds a little awkward. I'd change it to "to graduate". Other than that, I can't see much wrong. I love the verse you chose! Have fun at the ceremony and good luck in the fall! (and don't forget to fill that info in before you put it in the program )