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E - Everyone

In Another God’s Land

by Lightsong


The rich man awaked
after a sound sleep,
after a dream
in which raindrops
as gold as his hair
showered him.

He witnessed a space as wide as
Taj Mahal’s interior
without a roof protecting
anyone in it
from the sun’s
scorching heat.

A man stood
and stared at the floor
with folded hands
in the middle of it. 

Behind him was
a line of men
who copied his posture.

Behind them was
a line of women
who emulated their movements.

What struck him as odd
was their appearance.

The leading man
wore a construction cap
with skin as rich as
the midnight’s texture.

His eyes sparkled
like the purest drop of water,
resonating all arrays of lights
(hope and justice and mercy and peace).

The men wore different clothes.
The middle one
wore a pristine white coat
with a stethoscope.
Shredded moneys were far away
from him
while beating hearts nearby
made him feel alive.

The left one
wore a navy uniform
with gun hanging
at his waist.
Sharp needles hanged
above him
while hands reached him
from below.

The right one
wore a worn out hazel shirt
with a scythe rested at his side.
Three candles depended
on its light.

They were still and firm
like jointed bricks.

The women wore different clothes
but they had soft and protecting scarves
covering their heads.

The middle one
wore a black coat.
Shredded checks were far away
from her
while unchained hands nearby
made her feel relieved.

The left one
wore a green uniform
with rifle hanging
at her waist.
Nuclear bombs hovered
above her
(and her country)
while feathered creatures
prayed for her from below.

The right one
wore a worn out emerald shirt
with a broom rested at her side.
Three gallons of sweat
for her beloved ones’ rice.

The filthy man would never allow those people
to enter his land.

They stared at him at once
and whispered to him,
You are the death
of us.

The sky turned
as dark as
his heart and
he saw
his crimson sin.

He awaked
after a terrible sleep,
after a nightmare in which
bloods
as red as his diamonds
showered him.


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Sun Jan 31, 2016 10:14 pm
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BluesClues wrote a review...



So I don’t know that you intended this, but there’s almost an objective voice in this poem. We’re told that the rich man’s heart is dark and see him both awake from a sound sleep and a terrible sleep, but otherwise we don’t know anything about what’s going on in his head. We’re allowed glimpses into the minds of a few of the people in his dream—the doctor who feels alive when beating hearts are nearby, the woman who is relieved by unchained hands—but overall we don’t know the emotions or thoughts of the people in the poem.

I think that’s a huge problem for this poem. What do you want to get across here? You have good language and strong descriptors, but because I don’t know how the dream affects the rich man, I don’t know what the point is. I have no idea whether it affected him beyond the usual nightmare. Is he disturbed? Does he change his ways? Does he vow to change but then awakens, tells himself not to worry about a stupid dream, and fail to learn a lesson?

I can speculate as to one potential meaning of the dream and I can guess its most basic effect on the wealthy man, but that’s it. I don’t connect with it as deeply as I could; it’s not as powerful as it could be, because the viewpoint is so objective. It shows us what happened in the dream but doesn’t delve into its effect on the person who has it.

I’d suggest first looking at what takeaway you want the poem to have for readers. What’s the point? What feeling or message are you trying to get across? From there, look for ways you can let us glimpse the rich man’s feelings about the dream as it happens such that the takeaway comes across more clearly. I’m not saying you need a line that goes, “This is the moral of the story.” But his thoughts and feelings, as well as what happens to him as a result of having this dream, can go a long way toward sending readers a message.

Blue




Lightsong says...


Thanks for the review! I didn't want to elaborate more because I was referring to Donald Trump, but I agree with your points at the end. :D



BluesClues says...


YOU CAN TOTALLY ELABORATE MORE because I CANNOT STAND THE MAN and am generally terrified he's going to actually become president. Oh God he's awful.



Lightsong says...


Haha, I share your feelings. :) Perhaps I shouldn't be too subtle next time. xD



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Wed Jan 20, 2016 9:39 pm
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Monsters wrote a review...



Hello, thanks for requesting this review on my thread but quite honestly, I could literally fall asleep to this. I'm not attacking you as a writer here, just the poem.

I can't comprehend how the conflict takes 16 stanzas to exist when it should only take one at most, and to say the conflict is disappointing is a huge understatement. The first couple of lines needs to have the writer captivated and nothing in this entire poem is the least bit captivating. There is a superfluous amount of factual information; he was rich, he awoke from a dream, standing and staring, sky was dark ect.; but absolutely no personality and thus no real imagery or connection to the images. You are doing this poetry thing all wrong, we don't need excruciating detail about the facts that exists in the story, leave that for novels ect., we need how the character looks at these facts and conveys them all with just a couple of words. What's most important here, is purging all the information that is not directly related to the conflict and the emotional response of your readers, and refining that content with a symbol, literary technique too squeeze as much as possible into the smallest spaces. AND THEN, maybe you can make it good. This poem lacks anything I love about poetry.

On a less important note, you lost your rhythm by line 4 and it seems there's is no strategy in place to make that rhythm uniform through the poem other then trying with line breaks; unfortunately, the poem needs to change it's words as well to say it in a way that satisfies this uniformity. The poem lacks diction past middle school, and literary techniques were used only when it grabbed already made cliche symbols ect.

If you disagree then disregard this review,
thank you & Have a good day




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Sat Jan 09, 2016 7:29 pm
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Sec1218 wrote a review...



Hey Lightsong, this is Sec1218 reviewing this poem! I really enjoyed this poem, but I have a few suggestions. First, as Ivywater said, it was a little confusing when you wrote "in his back was a line of men". This makes it sound like they are inside of the man's back. It sounds better than saying "behind him" which I assume you were trying to avoid, but it is a little confusing. One other thing that confused me was when you wrote "skin as rich as the midnight's texture". I am not exactly sure what you mean by "midnight texture". Do you mean it was dark? Overall though I thought it was very beautiful, an I've not heard many other poems like it! Great job and keep writing!




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Sat Jan 09, 2016 5:50 pm
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Ivywater wrote a review...



Hello Lightsong, Ivy here for a review. First of all this was an amazing poem, and seeing how I'm not all that skilled in writing poems and I couldn't find much to change this review might be a bit small. Nevertheless I did find some minor mistakes, mainly spelling, that you should change.

First of all: "Taj Mahal’s inferior" I think you meant interior.

Second:
"In his back was
a line of men
who copied his posture."


I don't know if you meant to but you described this as the men being IN his back...like actually in it (how else am I supposed to describe it?)
then you did it again in the second stanza so I'm not to sure if you meant to or not.

Third:
"Shredded moneys were far away"
Money apparently has many plural forms but "monies" is the most common, though it wouldn't effect the story much I recommend just putting "shredded money was far away" instead of "moneys", but that's just me.


That's pretty much all I could find so...Great job and keep writing.





Maybe we're all just complex human beings with skewed perceptions of each other.
— Ventomology