time is always
so much slower
before a storm
breathe out wait patiently
and I
will tell you the story
of the first love
I never had (for
how
could the sky be kept?)
fa lter before the rain br
eaks I wish to write
this
moment for the world but
it's just too long
come to me when all is done
&do your best
to deterge my skin of each dewy drop
I promise you
if they don't stay,
I will hydrolyze
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125,024 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
Hey rhia! I am so sorry for the huge delay in writing this review. They’re also so hard to critique, because they’re very well written.
So I like the imagery you have in this, but I feel the lack on punctuation takes away from the poem a little bit. I think, at least, that you should have periods somewhere for a full stop (such as the last line, but this is only a suggestion).
As for the breaking up of the words, I wasn’t sure about having “br” be in one line, and then “eaks” be another. It’s a really cool idea and helps us visually, but I just kind of found it odd. Like, I’m not saying you shouldn’t break them up, but it’d be cool to keep it like “fa lter.”
So, “fa lter before the rain br eaks
I wish to write this
Moment for the world but it’s just too long.”
I really love your line breaks, rhia. They’re always done in the right places ^^ But remember, punctuation is your friend, and you have next to none in this piece. So look for any lines you feel an extra pause would help with the message and add in a semicolon or a comma. However, you knew what you were doing when you wrote this, so don’t listen to me
I’m not 100% sure I like this “&” here. Do you mind telling me what your intentions were for having this be in the poem, rather than “and”? I don’t want to misinterpret anything, for everything serves some kind of purpose in a poem when written correctly (which this, of course, is written beautifully.) I’m just curious.
I thought “deterge my skin of each dewy drop” was magnificent.
This is a really good ending! But, again, there could be some punctuation in here. Adding commas would create longer pauses.
“I promise you,
they will stay,
or I will hydrolyze.”
This makes me hold my breath, as the pauses are kind of like “wait one more line, I have an even bigger and more dramatic announcement to make that is really amazing.” Just that kind of dramatic stanza that really leaves the readers thinking. Again, this is only a suggestion. We have different writing styles, and this is only what I think could make it better. (I’m not sure how this could be any better, it’s already really good.)
I’m sorry this review was so short, and it probably wasn’t all too helpful ;_; If you have any questions, please let me know. Your poems are always such a great read!
Remember, punctuation is your friend
~Thewriter13
Hello.
Mixing chemistry with poetry isn't my favourite thing 
So I like how you formatted the poem. The breaks and the spaces. The way you distributed a single word over two lines.
No problems with the flow. I'd just suggest you to change the length of this line.
"&do your best to deterge my skin of each dewy drop".
I did not entirely understand what this was about, and the term hydrolysis left me more confused. Breaking down of a compound due to water
Good job
Rating: 8/10
Hassan
That was a great poem!! I loved the way you spaced out a few of the letters in "falter" and "break" like the two words were each breaking apart. It was very inspiring. I've never heard the word hydrolyze (probably because it never rains on my island, it's mostly swamps, deserts, and forests) but I liked the way you used it. Keep it up!!!!