You know that devilish bay in the desert
that has lured many wanderers in?
I am packing up my pants and my shirt
and I am getting ready for fishin’.
You may say I’m crazy, looney, or mad
to fish in a place with no fish.
But I met a fairy when I was a lad,
and fishing that dev’lish bay was my wish.
I’ll take clay and leaves and steel as my bait,
you know those old fish will be odd,
only food from the earth will their cravings sate,
The steel’s for the copper-mouthed cod.
I have to fish at the close of the day
when the scales of the rainbow trout flash.
‘Tis when the bass come out to play,
and when all the carp begin to splash.
It’s gorgeous, that bay in the midst of dry land,
even when there’s no water at all.
The fish will all swim in that sunbaked white sand;
beyond the clouds all the seabirds call.
I may not come back from that bay, far away,
if I don’t, well, don’t morn o’re me.
Just know I’ll be happy, fishing day after day
in that devilish desert bay.
Note: I imagined this as a goodbye from a father to his children, when he knows he's not coming back. He has young children who won't understand his real reasons for leaving, so he makes up a fantastical story to make them feel happier.
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Canary word: Present
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,800 Reviews
Hey Fort!
So; where to start...
I love this so much for the quirkiness of it. Devilish bays, meeting fairies, seabirds in a desert. I can imagine this father romanticising a story to tell his children and it's quite a beautiful one to imagine.
Smarts
I have no idea what a copper-mouthed cod or a rainbow trout actually look like, or what they'd look like in sand, I can only make it up in my head. The reference to them is great though. It's an easy way to make the narrator seem so much more real and gives a view straight through their eyes. My favourite part is the 'clay and leaves and steel' as bait for the fish. It's smart and creative at the same time, and I love the idea of this man piecing together this imaginary fishing rod.
Rhythm
Your rhythm needs a lot of work. So does mine. We're in the same boat on that one (excuse the pun.)
I personally find that getting a rhythm is easier to do without rhyming, because then you have more freedom with the words. However, the problem is that when you choose a word it has to fit both the rhythm and the rhyme, and if it doesn't work you have to decide what part you're going to sacrifice, or spend forever trying to make it fit.
It's a hard skill to pick up.
Try reading it out loud, and every time you stumble, mark a big X on your document. If you ever, *ever*, find that you have to read it a certain way to make it flow properly then it's going to completely throw your reader off.
Another trick I found worked is to practice by starting from the basics. It's a still people tend to underestimate when they jump straight in. Try an ABCB rhyme scheme with a tat TAT tat tat TAT tat tat TAT rhythm.
Overall
Rhythm needs a lot of work, but the style and language and theme and everything else are awesome. I really enjoyed reading this, so keep up the good work! =]
Hi fort, I'll be your reviewer that will happily kick you out of the green room. I would have never had guess that it was a father saying good-bye to his young children. I really thought it was the raving of a sunbaked man. Now as a reviewer (nitpickers when you have mistakes) I can tell you anything that could've been a nitpicked had already been picked out so you are now good. Good job on your poem! Also good job on your work making the green room!
~lost
Hello, fortis! I'm kayfortnight, here to review your poem.
I like the story you're telling here-the biggest clue that he's not really going fishing is
I'm guessing reading the poem and the note you have at the end that the father is leaving for war. Now, my main point for you to improve your poem's story is to find a way for you to eliminate the note by working that part into the poem. Remember, you want this to stand on its own. A couple of lines also seem to be awkward and could use rewording-try reading your poem aloud.
Nitpicks-I think "morn" is meant to be mourn, and "o're" is meant to be over with the ve cut out, like this-o'r. However, I would suggest "o'er" as having a clearer meaning.