The rain knocks on my window,
In the middle of an abysmal sleep.
Dreams shattered and broken,
I wake up again and not the first.
In the disguise of weeps,
You snatch away my saccharine sleep.
You knock on my window,
And shatter absurd noises.
Rain beads continue,
One after the other.
And my nerves back and forth creep
Cause you don't pause and discontinue.
You take away my sleep,
You give me eerie cacophony.
Amusing you are,
You make me ecstatic too.
Sometimes, I abhor you,
'cause you disturb my abyss sleep.
You knock on my window,
And shatter obscurity at nights.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
137,557 Literary Works • 672,043 Reviews
Knight Dragon, here to review!
Technical:
"In the middle of an abyss sleep.", the "abyss" should be "abysmal", just to make it feel and flow better.
"In the disguise of weeps", if you changed "weeps" to "weeping", you'd still have the assonance at the end, but it would feel better.
"And my nerves back forth creep", either change "back forth creep" to "creep back and forth" or "back and forth creep" to help with reading flow.
Otherwise I liked how you had the nice paradox between the two extremes of pleasure and pain (or terror) that rain can cause, especially in the last to stanzas.
Hope this helps!
Thanks.
Hi!
)
This poem is really nice and i must say, sometimes the rain can be scary especially if its raining hard.
For me your grammar is good and your formatting is okay. Im kinda new to this reviewing thing so im just saying the things that i know and if im wrong feel free to correct me.
Anyways, Keep up the good work!
Thank U
I really loved this poem. Since I am new to young writers society I am not sure how to earn points. So I really dont know anything much. So i can say is that keep going
Oh Thanks! Welcome To YWS. To earn points you need to write reviews. If you write a review of more than 4 lines you earn points otherwise the rest are regarded as comments.
I agree with @Monsters, with all of his critiques. I'm not sure how long you've been writing poetry, but your use of the word "Cause" is informal and infuriating. Maybe not infuriating... just disappointing and a little annoying. At this point, I'm not sure how you're feeling about the rain. Are you afraid? Do you hate it? Do you love it? I need some clarity. Overall, it was an okay poem, but I know you can definitely do better. So try again, and just take our reviews to heart.
Okay Thanks. I meant rain can disturb u during nights.
You know how long it took me to picture rain knocking on a window? Like 2 seconds when I realized rain cannot knock; it might tap but knock no; it doesn't fit. Knocks are loud; even louder then the worst storms hitting windows; and spread out in even pauses in-between each-other. Rain is chaotic taps without breaking. They sound different with different impressions.
This opener has my uninterested.
Line one: An abyss sleep makes no sense here. Don't you mean deep sleep? Not a nothingness sleep which is very much bending the word as is. firstly, people need to stop using abyss it is flat with no emotions anymore.
Line two: A dream that is broken is still a dream. Its still there. If you break a toy it is still a toy. You could say: "My dreams are broken, they are black." and that would make more sense then what you have. Shattered dreams would leave dreams in pieces but they are still there? Not to mention you rely on cliches to provide you content without progressing your story: filler.
Okay what the heck is line three? "I wake up again and not the first." Not the first what? It literally makes zero sense.
Rain beads continue is great.. if you weren't completely repeating yourself . Why are you telling us it continues; has it stopped? completely useless. The one after the other is playing into this whole knocking theory that suggest uniformity; tell me about the chaotic way in one after another; and stop repeating yourself. Third line is garbage; what is nerves back and forth creep even mean? 4th line: Who is you? I have no idea, you have not introduced anyone and if its your idea as personification you are completely lost about how to do it.
First line: oh really, I didn't know that. Actually I did. It is unneeded, strip it away its just fat.
Second line: don't tell us what it gives you, show us.
third: You just said the sound was strange and frightening and now its amusing?
last: show us, more filler and blah blahs.
And now you are back to hating it with the abhor comment; you hated it, said it was amusing and made you ecstatic and now you hate it again, how lovely of a poem.. not. And you repeat yourself over and over again. Try harder, please.
I don't mean to be rude but I wanted to ask if english was your first language because this is not a common mistake; "I wake up again and not the first." I think it is a confusion about the English language. let me know, if you wish. If so I have lots of respect and if not its okay too you will grow out of it, I'm sure. Anyways try harder with these poems you have potential.
English is not my first language. I think you were mean using the words garbage and all those. Your the first one who is commenting that you disliked the poem. The rest 15 reviews said my poem was nice. i am not being proud or something. Yes it is good you pointed out the mistake. But each writer and poet has its own thinking. And by the line i wake up again and not the first meant that I woke up again and it was not my first time to wake up. English not being my first language still I write good. Not boasting or something but Yes that's the fact. Some people need to have manners. I do appreciate reviews and all. But u just crossed your limits I must say and you end the review saying I dont mean to be rude. -_-
Just because you are a minority does not mean you are wrong, there is a difference between honesty and being rude. Hope you inderstand one day but out of respect i will no longer be giving you reviews until you wish for me to do so. I hope you are satisfied with this comment
I do admit I made mistakes in the poem and I thank you for pointing those out but you have pointed out in a mean way. Thats what I meant. I liked your review but it was harsh. You could have reviewed it more politely. Thats what I meant.
I think you confuse my honesty with rudeness because you have sentimental value in this poem. However, my intentions were to review you in the best way I know how. If it comes off rude then so be it; I am merely trying to help and inspire you so I hope you can understand one day. I do not linger on subjects but I would let you know when I find something to be terrible and so our definitions of rudeness are not the same. The words I use are necessary for writers to prosper because watering down things can get in the way of progress. In the end it is you who decides how your poem reflects yourself and the reviewers job is to support that by bringing common sense and clarity to it. I thank you for understanding to a point but think that being nice comes as a second job next to honesty.
I am really glad I helped you and in a way that was my only job. It was a pleasure reviewing you.
Thnkx
This poem was very well written. It captures a lot of emotions, and makes the reader feel as if they are there. It made me think of storms in a way I never had before. It makes them seem like more than just water and lightning.
The only problem is . . . I LOVE storms and rain so . . . Anyway, good job on this work.
Keep it up!
Thank U So Much!
After reading this poem, I could feel emotions I didn't know I possess. The use of sadness and excitement in every word you wrote down. The grammar wasn't so bad and the spelling was great, as well.
I like the way you use "rain" as a metaphor for how you feel. I love the way you wrote your poem and hope to read some more.
Thank U So Much!
You're welcome.
This poem was very entertaining to read. And personally I was just going to say that it may read easier if you said: Cause you disturb my abyss of sleep. It may just be me but I think that it sounds better. Other then that I really liked the way that it was written, the creepiness that the words held. Just though I would add in my two cents.
Abyss means deep . So if it would mean then cause you disturb my deep of sleep which would make no sense. So that's why.
Anyways Thanks! 
This poem is interesting and is in a new format that I'm not used to. I love that you have a good vocabulary, but I think that it was distracting in this poem. A wider range of vocabulary limits the audience's ability to connect with your piece. The unusual words seemed like you were trying a little too hard and kind of messed with the flow of things. The subject and idea of this poem are quite impressive and I think that if you edit it, it can be really great.
Actually I know the meaning of those words. So I used them. Anways Am Not Changing The Hard Words but i will add the meanings of the hard words. THANK U
Nice! I liked it because where I am there is a lot of rain and it always keeps me up at night. Anyway I think this is a very excellent piece of poetry and I would love to read more of your writing. Great job! I didn't see any mistakes and Your a great poet. Keep Writing! Can't wait to read more!
From,
Buddy886551
Thank Youuuuuu!
This is very well done. It makes me feel as if I'm there, like I can see the rain and feel what the writer is feeling.
The words you use are VERY well used, You don't see these type of words in stories or poems. So seeing this added more uniqueness to the poem.
I really do hope to see more from you! Keep up the amazing work!
Thank You So Much.
This one is one of my favorites so far.
The stanzas are well spaced and even, the rhythm is very good.
There were a few instances where the lines were a little far down, but that really isn't an issue with this since the formatting is so messed up. I'm actually surprised that you got it this good with the way the formatting hates us all.
The only thing that you can really change is that you could cut back on the commas. I don't really think that you need them on the end of every sentence that does not have a period.
But, as always, you're the author here. Whatever works for you.
As for the content, I thought you did a pretty good job with your imagery. I could see everything clearly in my minds eye. And you definitely described it well, and made good use of your English. I even had to look up a few words to make sure I understood.
Good job!
Haha Thanks Alot!
Lovely poem! I really love the way you personify the rain against the window, almost as if it is a real person knocking at the window, it is really imaginative and a very original view on the subject. I like the descriptions too, especially the first stanza; 'The rain knocks on my window,/In the middle of an abyss sleep./Dreams shattered and broken,/I wake up again and not the first.' It describes perfectly the sound of rain at night, you can almost hear it rattling against the window! Just one possible improvement I can think of; the word 'cause' as opposed to 'because'. I just thought it sounded slightly out of place compared to the rest of the poem, which in terms of language is quite formal, though this is quite a minor thing. The final lines 'You knock at my window,/And shatter obscurity at nights' are particularly beautiful, I love the way the rain is described as being beautiful, but also annoying and slightly sinister at the same time. All in all a great piece of writing, keep it up!
Thank You So Much.
Hi there, wow this is such a fresh perspective on rain really wonderful.
I can almost feel the fear you feel, it's tough to create an atmosphere through writing and you've done it beautifully!
Your vocab is definitely the best part, proving the infinite ways of expressing yourself that the English language has to offer, well done!
Thank You Soooo Much
Awesome poem! It's extremely deep and emotional, and has almost a soothing affect on the reader. The vocabulary you use is extraordinary, such as "cacophony," "saccharine," and "abyss." I'll admit, I had to look some of these words up XD. So great job, it really gave this work a mature feel to it.
I'm not a poem person, so I don't have much advice about how to improve this, but I will tell you the lines that I really like.
"Sometimes, I abhor you,
Cause you disturb my abyss sleep.
You knock on my window,
And shatter obscurity at nights."
Amazing, that was my favorite
Thanks
Such an interesting poem, and I like the fact that your writing sounds "mature", and not childish. You have used different, difficult words.
Keep on writing!
Thanks
I really like this, in spite of the fact that I adore storms! I did notice one thing in the second line. "a" should be "an." Other than that, it runs smoothly and your imagery is great! I love "saccharine sleep." It's really a great picture, that. And I like that the rain knocks on your window. Over all, this is a well-written poem and it really portrays how creeped out a person can be from a simple rainstorm! (Best time to tell ghost stories, right?) Thank you for sharing!
Thnk U sOO mUCh
Hey there. Ariana with your review for today. Well what can I say? The title really lured me into the piece. I had my expectations when I opened this piece, but you exceeded them. It was very. Very well written. This was full of imagery and had a superb usage of vocabulary. For example, you used the words "abyss" "abhor"and "ssaccharine" (which I've never heard before). So not only was this a very image-provoking piece, your use of language added to the overall enjoyment of this poem.
Thaaaaaaaaaaaaaaank You Sooooooooooooooooooo Much,
Abyss means deep ,Abhor means hatred and saccharine means sweet
Hey there!
So I really liked the poem. It was deep and passionate, but I had a hard time understanding the meaning of the poem (which could just be me). Your vocabulary seems to be at an immense level. The poem relaxed me and I felt soothed and calmed. From what the poem says, rain seems to be on your defective half. The poem was also dark and simple. It reminded me of darkness because it was hard to see through the substantial lines. Other than a confusing rhyme scheme and hard to see through terms, the poem was deep, intense, dark, and really creative overall. Great job!
Thank You So Much, I did not rhyme the poem cause sometimes non rhyming suits too.
Yea I know not all poems have to rhyme, just in some lines it did, and it confused me partially, but I figured there was no specific rhyme scheme
Okay
Hi there, nice poem. It sounds like you hate the rain.
"Rain beads continue,
One after the other.
And my nerves back forth creep,
Cause you don't pause and discontinue."
Your saying the rain unnerves you is that why the blur says some people are scared of rain?
Truthfully I think it's calming, then again I'm the type of person who enjoys a storm. (big grin)
What is abhor and saccharine?
No! I do not hate the rain. I meant during nights when we are in a deep sleep the rain wakes us up and our sweet dreams are broken. 'And my nerves back forth creep' means that i get a shiver type of feeling in my back. Abhor means hatred and saccharine means sweet.