The last time , I wrote a poem was 7th July 2014. So, you can make out how long that has been. Anyways -
Indeed, man is in great loss,
The way drugs & music make his whole wants.
Actions which do result this cause,
The desires for 'cans' and 'cant’s'
Time is truly passing away,
And when he would come to the barren ground.
Realize, he will but at a far bay,
The path of forgiveness will therefore be closed.
He has become indeed unholy,
With all the empty-headed lifestyles.
Did he loose all the melancholy?
Little does he raise his hands,
To ask for forgiveness from his Lord,
Little does he pray, little does he know,
The bones which find too hard to bow.
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Hey rb! Figure I'll do another review for you
So I'm not sure how much of this is supposed to be rhymed, but the first stanza didn't really rhyme at all. If you're going to make it a rhyming poem, definitely work on that.
Also, I feel you should write out "and" just because...I dunno why. It's up to you ^^
I think the punctuation here kind of threw me off. The flow was broken badly, sorry to say, which took away from the poem. I didn't exactly understand the bolded part. There really wasn't a rhythm here, so I kind of had trouble understanding what pattern you were trying to write. That all could be tweaked of course
Hmm, I would definitely work on rhythm and rhyme, as I can see the message, but I think this forced rhyming and lack of rhythm takes away from that message.
I think there also could've been more imagery and description. What you have is good, but I think you need to enhance it more.
Keep writing! It's off to a good start
~Thewriter13
Thanks! I will work on it.
Hello, darling~ Here to review. I haven't read the other reviews, so I run the risk of repeating what they've said.
To begin with, I think the premise for this poem is interesting. It could stand a bit of work, but as it is right now, it's moderately able to stand on its own. Not my favorite, but not the most hated work I've ever reviewed, either.
Your rhyme seems very forced; that is, you found words that rhymed with each other and used them simply because they rhymed, and you forced the rest of the poem to fit around the rhyme. Some of the words don't even rhyme, they just look similar (case in point, "holy/melancholy" and "know/bow"), which is treading on thin ice with your readers. They might assume that you meant for the words to rhyme, or that you thought the words rhymed, and you might not have at all.
You also seem to have a bit of a problem with subject-verb agreement; this is obvious in your title (it should be "Little Does He Know", not "knows") and the third line of your last stanza, where you have "little does he prays".
Overall, I find this poem a little underwhelming and short on imagery that could have brought it from "okay" to "great", and a bit strong on rhyme and words that look like they're supposed to rhyme but really don't. All of this little by little decreases the literary value of the poem for me, but I think a bit of strong elbow grease and editing will get this shining. Keep writing!
Thank You. Yeah. I'll work on that.
Hi there.
So overall I think you've done a good job. The thought was clear and the flow was almost perfect. I only have two small nitpicks.
In the fourth line, consider putting 'cans and cant’s' in single quotes or italics.
In the eighth line, consider changing it to 'The path to/of (depending on how you like it) forgiveness will therefore be closed.' I personally felt that in it's current phrasing, the line is a little ambiguous, as in it's meaning doesn't quite reach me well enough.
These are personal opinions so you may chose to overlook them.
From a non-writer point of view, I have to say that this was truly amazing. The description of humanity you've made is brilliant. And I absolutely love the last two lines!
"Little does he prays, little does he know,
The bones which find too hard to bow."
Overall 8.5/10
Harshita
Thank You So Much!
A perfect little poem. I happen to really like it. If it was longer it would only be infinitely all the better. I contemplate on the state of society, problems that it causes and whatnot. In a sense, this is a light shone on the misdeeds of a negative human. The fact that I can see humanity going to a dark place for a time being, makes me appreciate this poem, for we may never get one that explains so much in so little.