Insomnia can kill you sometimes,
And can give you bad times.
All you got is the wall in front,
And creepy sounds back frost.
Every step and every voice,
Run away; that is your choice.
May lead you to shouts and screams,
And maybe a lot more creepy dreams.
Waking up in the middle of the night,
And not able to sleep till the last sight.
Yes! Insomnia can kill you sometimes,
And can give you bad times.
Everywhere Insomnia spread,
One sound and you are dead.
More like a late walk in the woods.
And then all drowned in floods.
Every minute seems hard to pass,
Every sound makes the glass.
And every sound makes the pointer,
Gives you a hard encounter.
Creepy stories in your mind flashin'
And everythin' comes back lashin'
Finally you discover,
All is done and over.
Rise and shine; It's mornin',
You get up all frownin'
All you wanted was sleep,
But the whole night you had to weep.
Yes! Insomnia can kill you sometimes,
And can give you bad times.
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139,534 Literary Works • 672,600 Reviews
Hi rbt!
I saw this poem was about Insomnia and I just had to review it because I really think it's an interesting subject to talk about. You've talked about it really well here and added quite a darkness to it which is great. I think you've started with some great imagery too, so well done!
As for improvements, I'll just stat with a couple of nitpicks.
Sometimes should be one word.
I don't really understand this line and the 'frost' bit.
Okay, so I think my main suggestion here is to forget about rhyming for a minute. I know that when writing poetry you might feel the need to add rhymes to it, however it's just really not necessary sometimes, and I think in this particular case could do without it. Instead, I'd like to see some more imagery about insomnia. You've already started off with quite a lot of dark connotations here and I'd love to see that fleshed out a bit. I mean, people often go out for walks when they can't sleep right? And even though they're so tired they can't sleep so they start to hallucinate a bit and you could talk about that. Talk about how they feel. Probably so alone, and lost, and trapped.
Also, going into further detail about that, you could really talk about what it's like to not be able to fall sleep. I don't know if you've suffered from insomnia yourself to draw from personal experiences, you could also just look on the internet or ask anyone you know who's suffered from it what it's like. I've heard it's actually quite horrible, and people have numerous different ways of dealing with it. I can't help but think of the movie Fight Club here, and the guy in that suffers from insomnia so he goes to various AA meetings and stuff like that to cure it, it's quite funny.
Anyways, sorry I'm getting a bit off-topic there. I guess the important thing to remember here is that not everyone knows what insomnia is like, so many you could draw in on that a bit more and add some more imagery. Well, I hope this review helped. Fee free to PM me with any questions you have or if you'd like another review.
Keep on writing!
-Arc x
Thanks!
Thnkx
Let me begin.
This is dark, yet I like it. Captures Insomnia very good. Only thing I saw that talks about Insomnia is Fight Club, where the narrator has Insomnia. Dark, descriptive, and I think one of the better horror poetry.
Dr.Strangelove gives you!
8.3/10
Good job -Siskel and Ebert Thumbs up-
Thnkx
Hello there. Rebel here to review.
Right off the bat, I wasn't too found of your rhyming. It was consistent maybe 75%-80% of the time. If you're going to use rhyming, it'd be better if you were consistent 100% of the time. I feel like it takes away from the poem if you're inconsistent with rhyming.
I also feel like you could've used slightly better vocabulary. Maybe you could've used a more vivid set of words other than 'bad times'.
I think your imagery was nicely done. You painted a picture in my mind of what insomnia is.
Keep writing!
Thnkx
Hey there,
I just have one suggestion regarding this poem, feel free NOT to rhyme. Impeccable rhyme can make a poem beautiful, but when the rhymes aren't apt, they can spoil an otherwise good poem. And you could've done more justice to the topic of this poem, 'Insomnia', it's something one can write deep stuff about. Use that to your advantage. If I was you, I would use more intense words than 'frowning' and 'weeping' and 'bad times.' You get me?
Keep writing!
S
Thanks
you're welcome