Up from the minds that aspire,
Glowing more than any fire.
Creatin' thousands of images,
For everything is just smoke.
*
A piece of paper that is so brown,
Comes crashing down.
Just a touch of ash,
And everything is broken.
*
Millions of false imaginations,
All wound up as creations.
Wasting time in the unreal,
For which will never happen.
*
In this district so lonely,
Filled with memories only.
Near the bays of the river,
Come up will it ever.
*
Up from the minds that aspire,
Glowing more than any fire.
Creatin' thousands of images,
For everything is just smoke.
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140,182 Literary Works • 673,037 Reviews
I thought that this one was (or should I say is?) one of your best that I have read and reviewed so far.
The content was simply amazing, the appearance was neat and orderly, the flow was very good. I liked the little rhyme scheme you had going.
I think that you should consider breaking this up into stanzas, however.
And one last thing:
This is wind-ed. As in, out of breath, can't breathe, etc. Wind, as in the air. Short (i).
The correct term that you should use here is wound which is the past tense of wind (long i), as in, to wind something up.
In this district so lonely,
Filled with memories only.
Near the bays of the river,
Come up will it ever.
I divided into stanza's but I don't think it seems to happen. Anways thnkxx
Hey you're my twentieth review! XD
The very first thing that I'm going to suggest/help with is show how this could possibly be dissected because if there's one thing I learned about poetry it's formatting. XP And I've been letting this slide with other poems, but I really think this one should be stanza-d.
So I'll quote them up how you could separate the poem to make stanza's. Also I'll be editing it as I go along so watch out for bold's and italicized things!
First off, "creates" is not really needed I don't think, and "are" flows more with what you had written before. Secondly I am not so sure what you meant by the whole paper thing? Why is the paper brown what does it mean? What are your trying to say? I always like to question, because I find understanding poetry is very important. Even more so for the writer than the reader, and so I just want to know. Also, though I see no connection with the start. That said though the start was nice, I liked how it started.
Now this stanza I like! XD I really liked this stanza, I thought it had a lot of meaning and I could now picture what you were saying as well, and see the descriptions. I thought also though that it was interesting that it (imagination) was called "wasting time in the unreal, for which will never happen" I wonder if this was the character talking of the nay-sayer's? I liked it a lot though.
I equally liked this stanza. I think that you wrote it well, and I think that my favorite part was "In this district so lonely, filled with memories only" nice rhyming, and nice word choice! I found the last line a little iffy, because "river" and "ever" don't really rhyme too much, but then again it's still nice. I wish you didn't have to rhyme for that last line, then you could write "Will it ever come up?" but it's understandable why you could. And I liked it all in all.
I found this ending a little strange to be honest. I still don't fully understand what you meant by the smoke. But that said I just may not understand the fully terminology. Feel free to explain it to me. I do though like though the glowing more than any fire thing, and how you repeated it from the beginning.
Overall:
I think it's nice, I do suggest you take my advice about separating a bit, and making some stanza's. I think it would help a lot with the flow and rhythm. Overall though good job, I did find it a little strange, but nothing too strange and explainable. Well done!
--Keep writing and dreaming!
I did divide it into stanza's but it did not seem to happen. I will try again and smoke means like we imagine a lot of stuff and almost a lot in dreams and even thoughts but those dreams and thoughts are just like smoke. That's what I meant.
You know what you can do about that. Add a *** or a * where you want a space.
Okay Thanks Alot.
No prob! : )
Hello rbt00. My name is Scarlett and I'll be reviewing you poetry this afternoon. ^^
Nice little poem you have here. I really like the concept, but this poem is really simple and you could do so much more with it. So that when someone reads it, they go "Wow" and love it. I understand if you write poetry for yourself, but if you're writing it with the intention of wowing your readers, you'll need something that'll wow them, so to speak. Because, after all, that is the point in writing anything; capturing their attention and wowing them, even with poetry.
I love the title "Minds That Aspire". It suits the poem very well, but I think the poem itself is lacking, just a little. Another thing to think about, is breaking it up into stanzas (or verses). That might help to spread it out a little. Not everyone likes a huge block of text, if you know what I mean (it's worse in prose than in poetry, poetry's not so bad).
Now, just a few nitpicks for you;
I think this needs to be "Creating" and "just smoke". Smoke in not "a smoke".
No "A". Just "Paper that is so brown" will work. "A paper" is not a thing; "A piece of paper" is.
"Wound" here, not "winded". Winded is different to wound. "He had been winded by the blow" compared to "She wound up the toy and placed it on the floor". Do you see what I mean here?
Okay, nitpicking is done. You can relax now.
Now, I don't really have anything else to say. Your flow isn't too bad, the simpleness? Not so good. I mean, simple does work sometimes, but I feel for this poem, it doesn't. And now, I don't think that anything else needs improvement. In fact, there's not much else I can comment and crit here. I can suggest writing a new version, making this more than what it is, since it seems to be lacking something. Let's see how that works. Let me know if you do! I'd love to read it~
Thanks for the interesting poetry, rbt00! I hope this review helps, somehow. ^^
Remember; keep it up and never stop writing!
~Scarlett.
Thank u so much. Yes I will change the errors.
The poem does not seem to get divided into stanza's no matter how much I've tried.
Hello! The end rhymes were great and used effectively.
The only issue I had with the piece was the structure. I read it twice and found myself trying to pull the lines together in my head for organization. A quick fix would be to simply use stanzas. With that being said you could possibly continue with some altercations to make a clearer image. The reason I also had trouble being hooked is that the bait wasn't big enough. Make stanzas that bind together lines to make a more solid image, and as well to add more relevance between them.
Otherwise great work and I love poetry that have such deep messages within them.
Thanks. I did divide the stanza's but i dont know what happened while publishing it.
Hey! This is a good poem. I liked it a lot! I liked the way you rhymed the poem. The poem i read before yours was not rhymed. So it was good to read your poem. It was simple and symbolic at the same time. I really liked the line:
'A paper that is so brown,
Comes crashing down.
Just a touch of ash,
And everything is broken.'
You described a lot by this line. Your poem was filled with metaphors and similes which made your poem look very beautiful. But the only thing that i think is that your poem didn't really hooked me. But that maybe because of my difference in interest.
Overall your poem was a pleasure to read!
Keep writing!
Best of luck!
Cheers,
Shiksha!!
Thanks So Much