An isolated bench,
I see; with the sun-rays still
The soothing grass
thereby half closes my will.
A million miles
away, this lies
Spirit and peace
thereby never dies.
Morning breeze when
here arrives,
Every little joy
inside strives.
A few seconds
later, vehemence appears,
Envy & hostility inside then disappear.
The sloshing waves of the sea,
Turn around
something in me.
Lightens every
part: a new hope,
Alongside, bringing
varied hearts & fortitude to cope.
Capturing the
moment slowly,
The scenario still
continues to be jolly.
For the morning
breeze is indeed,
The one to take the
lead.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,025 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
The best thing about this poem is the lovely imagery of peace and tranquility. The words are well chosen and the poem flows quite smoothly, painting a soothing picture of tranquil natural beauty.
However, the second stanza of the poem could be a bit clearer. I understand that the second stanza is meant to be a kind of anti-thesis to the peace and quiet described in the first stanza. It's supposed to break the reader out of his trance, into a world far more chaotic and dangerous than that of natural beauty depicted earlier. However, the reader is left wondering as to why this disruption of peace occurs. Why does the morning breeze bring with it chaos and vehemence? What happens to cause this uproar in the formerly peaceful scenery. The change in tone is quite poignant and well-written, but also somewhat confusing since it is not very clear what caused the problem. A little more clarity would make this poem a much finer piece!
Now, to get slightly technical.
"Envy & hostility inside then disappears."
"The sloshing waves of the sea,
Turns around something in me."
In both these sentences, I see the same grammatical error. When the subject of a sentence is plural, or more than one, the verb will always be singular. If the subject is singular, the verb will be plural (or end with an 's'). For example, 'He (singular subject) goes (plural verb) to school'. Whereas, 'They (plural subject) go (singular verb) to school', or 'Rita and Isha (two subjects) go (singular verb) to school'.
So in the first sentence, there are two subjects, right? 'Envy and hostility'. If the subject is plural, the verb will then be singular. So instead of 'disappears', the correct form of this sentence would be 'Envy and hostility 'disappear'' - singular verb...no 's'.
The same principle applied to the next line would mean...'sloshing waves' (plural subject) equals 'turn around' (singualr verb) instead of 'turns around'.
I hope I could make myself understood without confusing you even further. You have a gift for creating beautiful imagery, and should develop it even further. A bit more clarity and this would definitely be a completely fantastic poem!
Happy writing!
Hello!
So this was a peaceful poem, and I like the images that you use!
However, I think that your rhyme is holding this poem back from being great. Almost every line here just feels way below its potential because you force the rhymes out. Your poem starts to make less sense because you're just trying to make it rhyme. It's actually a really big problem. I know you might like the rhymes, but I don't. They take so much away.
And then there were a couple other lines where the words just don't make sense. I think part of this, again, is your rhyme.
So if you read this without the line break, it reads "with the sun-rays still the soothing grass thereby half closes my will."
That means absolutely nothing to me.
I dunno if this was just a typo, but what is "here" and why are we waiting for it? Isn't the very essence of "here" that we are already there?
What is it that "lightens?" the waves? Then you should adjust your previous punctuation to make it that way.
This doesn't mean much to me either.
This is a good example of just how disappointing your rhymes are. Under no other circumstances than rhyme would anyone describe the scene you just created "jolly." They might call it serene or relaxing. Jolly is not serene. They have completely different connotations. Plus, the two words do not even rhyme that well.
Please think about editing this to not rely on rhymes. Think about what you actually want to say, don't think about the rhyme, then write that thing that you want to say. Write it, and then after, you can see if there are some natural ways to add in rhymes. But I don't think this subject matter needs rhymes at all. There are some poems that read better with rhyme. For example, I just reviewed like, a witch's brew chant thingy. That kind of poem needs to rhyme, I think. But, the author used forced rhymes there too, so I had to mention that.
I like that at least your rhymes were consistent, and again, I like the subject and tone you convey.
Good job, Keep writing!
~fortis
Hey rb! Writer here to give a review ^^ I love your poetry, honestly. I always enjoy reading it.
I want to say, before I start the review/suggestions/etc, I really admire your word choice. The descriptions are beautiful and give me a great sense of what is happening. Imagery is always important in poetry, and I thought you used it well. Bravo!
Nitpick/Suggestions time!
I want you to be careful with repetition, because you say "thereby" twice in this stanza alone, which can kind of dull the word and its purpose in the poem. remember, every word in a poem counts (well that's what I've been taught anyway), so make sure you think about that. Also, I feel the way you've structured these lines is so the end rhymes will work. Which kind of makes the poem a little strange. I don't think you need a comma after "bench," just because that pause makes me think "I see" means "I understand," which I don't think is what you meant
Hmm, I'm not digging the first line, to be honest. "When the morning breeze arrives" is fine, but if you really want the "here", then:
"Here, when the morning breeze arrives." but that's entirely up to you.
Be careful with your rhyming in the last two lines. "disappears and appears" is basically the same word, so watch out for those! It's not a serious problem, but one one must be careful of.
So there's some plural/singular problem here. You use "waves" and then use :turns," but you should really use "turn" because the waves are plural. That's why it kind of read weird to me. So you should also change "lightens" to "lighten." Hmm, I feel a semicolon would be better than a colon, you know. "Every part" of what? Of the speaker? Just a little confused here, as a lot of this is vague and can be interpreted in many different ways ^^
Work on your punctuation also. Go back and see if the commas that create pauses are really needed in the stanzas. Pauses can be used to create effect, so if you like your pauses, then keep them
Hmm, jolly and slowly don't exactly rhyme, just because they both end in -ly. The vowels really need to sound the same in order for them to rhyme. I always think slowly is kind of adding to a softer tone, and I feel "scenario" seems to generic and not special enough to really create the mood here. What kind of scenario? Maybe a scene would be better? It's up to you, as always, but I'm just giving you suggestions to see if anything helps
I really like this poem! It's off to a wonderful start, just a few grammar things. The imagery is perfect, which is really why I enjoy this poem. The descriptions are well done too. Just work a little on grammar, punctuation and little on your word choice.
Happy writing!
~Thewriter13
I love how it paints a picture in my mind. The last stanza is my favorite! Visual words, they're screaming amazement at me! Keep it up, dear!
With love,
~j.rose
Thank You So Much!