I come from the forests of England,
Looks as smooth as sand.
Chopped and broken down,
Powdered and hammered to glitter like a crown.
I then reach the pipes of the factory,
& doctors finish their doctory.
Through various processes I do go,
Malleability into which thin sheets I'm beaten into.
Then placed in a cylinder
to be hardened and hardened and hardened.
At last the coating is placed,
and the pain all the way I faced.
Now im in the human hands
All shining like the colors of bands.
Until you sharpen and sharpen and sharpen
As the last breath escapes my nip you see.
It's time to say goodbye
Thanks for the frivolous times i sigh.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,731 Reviews
I don't know if I was supposed to find this funny or not, but I did, so........yeah.
I just was tickled at the personification of a pencil. It's not something that you see everyday. So many people are writing about their lives, very few of them take time to write about inanimate objects. But you did, so you get awesome points for uniqueness and creativity.
The content was pretty solid, the grammar and punctuation good. Although again with the (I) thing. I'm beginning to think that it's not just you.
There were a few things that I noticed, and therefore will mention, however.
First off, my spell-check informs me that doctor is not a word. However, it has been known to be wrong before. I think that you should check this out, to be his sure.
And if you intended to place the symbol there, that's fine, I just think that you should change it to the actual word and. That's up to you, as always, however. If you want the symbol to stay, then by all means let it stay.
There is weird spacing here, and you break the rhyme scheme.
Also, most of your lines seem uneven, and your rhymes don't exact fit very well. But, looking on previous review this has already been mentioned to you, and therefore I will leave you here.
Peace,
HT
OK, so cool idea, but some problems I noticed in it.
1. Most of your lines don't rhyme very smoothly, they seem forced.
Through various processes i do go,
Malliebility into which thin sheets im beaten into.
That is one example for you. Also:
2. You have a bunch of words you need to capitalize and you are missing some apostrophe's like in the I'm in the sentence above. I would say go back and edit all your errors, then try to find some lines that rhyme better.
I think your idea was great, you just need some refining on this poem.
Hope I didn't sound too harsh.
Thanks! I wrote this poem very before so yeah there are a lot of mistakes.
Ahoy, rbt00! Welcome to YWS!
Here is my honest opinion. It's filled with good intentions.
I must say, I've never read a poem about a pencil before, and I'm quite glad that you were able to choose a subject for your poem that isn't written about very much.
However, poetry is about revealing new truths in existing things. I don't feel at all changed by this poem; it is the rather descriptive recounting of the life of a pencil. There is nothing new to be seen here. If I was to really dig for a theme, I would say that the message is "life is meaningless" because the pencil went through all that processing and pain to be used for a short while and then disappear. If this is indeed what you were trying to say in the poem, you need to make sure that the message is more intense. Make the pencil really feel that his existence was for nothing.
I think, however, it would be more effective for you to make the pencil proud of itself. What do pencils do? They are instruments for writing, drawing, making marks on door frames to mark the progression of a child's height... the list is endless. What if the pencil felt proud of what it did? It might feel powerful (like a king (I got that out of the glittering crown line)), or grateful that it got to assist people creating new marks on the world. Just think about it. As it is, anyone could have thought a pencil would be sad to go away. But it takes the mind of a poet to really delve into its feelings.
Your rhyme scheme sounds rather forced. Not every poem has to rhyme, and it is better to have an idea and then add rhyme if it fits rather than force your ideas into constricting words that MUST sound like each other.
This rhyme in particular sounds forced:
Bands? What bands are you talking about? Rubber bands? Punk bands? Why are these bands shining? I have no idea what you're talking about, which makes me think you put that word in there for the sake of the rhyme and nothing else. Never do that. Never write a word simply for the sake of the rhyme. Rhyme when it feels right. There is no correct place to rhyme; that's why they have free verse. Most people think that free verse means no rhyme, but it actually means no rhyme SCHEME. You can rhyme whenever you want in a free verse. I suggest taking out all the nonsensical rhymes in this piece and only rhyming when it makes sense and sounds good. You're allowed to do that. It is poetry, after all.
Now on to your meter. Often, issues in meter can be spotted if you simply read the poem aloud. If it doesn't sound right, you need to change it. The amount of syllables per line can greatly affect the meter, and that's what I'm going to talk to you about.
The difference in the number of syllables in these two lines:
is quite jarring. Cut down the amount of syllables in the second line, or build up syllables in the first to make the two lines more equal so it is less awkward to read (I suggest the former; in poetry, less is more). There are more bits with that issue; I'll highlight them below.
Your spelling and grammar leave much to be desired (and despite your obsession with capitalization, there are quite a few capitalization errors), so I'll correct them below (corrections are in red)
You have quite a bit of awkward phrasing here. Let's begin, shall we?
I didn't think that pencils really went through pipes all that much. I would consider changing that to create a more pencil-like feeling.
Never use an ampersand when you could just say "and." It looks unprofessional and lazy when you use an ampersand in your poem.
I don't mind the invention of words, but when "doctory" is so close to "doctor," the invented word sounds lazy. Find another word.
I shouldn't have to expend extra effort to understand what you're trying to say. It was difficult for me to read it through only once and to understand what's going on in the stanza. I don't think malleability is the correct word here (it means flexibility), and the inversion in the first line just makes it sound antiquated, which is sometimes okay, but I don't think it works here.
This line feels fragmenty and incomplete. The inversion doesn't aid the clarity here, and I think you need to really rethink this line. I had to read it twice before I realized what you were talking about. I shouldn't have to read it twice.
"the" should not be in there. It sounds awkward, like the hands have some special significance, yet this is the only time you mention them in the whole poem. Take out "the."
Again, I don't understand the second line at all, but that was already addressed in the rhyming section.
Did you mean "tip"?
I don't think "frivolous" is the right word here, but I don't know your mind.
I hope that this review was helpful to you. PM me if you have need of anything. Happy writing.
Sometimes will typing i do spelling mistakes but yeah thanks for your review. Will Do much better.
Hey there, Kat here to review!
Black made some very good points here and really didn't leave much to write a review about.
"Now im in the human hands
All shining like the colours of bands."
try taking out unnessary words like the, it makes your poem flow a little better
It was a kind of sad poem but I also loved how you wrote from the prespective of a pencile .The last four lines,though, were by far my favorite
Keep it up
~Speakerskat
Okay
Until you sharpen and sharpen and sharpen
As the last breath escapes my nip you see.
its time to say goodbye
Thanks for the frivilous times i sigh.
Heya RB! Welcome to YWS! Black here for a Review!
First off! Great work here! I now actually know something new about pencils! You did a good job though, really! I liked your rhyming and general style. Your pace was good too! If you had any problems they, in my personal opinion, would have been in your grammar, spelling, and organization. There are probably other things that could be found wrong but I'll leave that job up to someone else!
So I'm going to cover these three things: Grammar, Spelling, and Organization! I'm going to do all that I can to help you fix them, and I'm going to hope that you'll take my advice, generalize and overall improve your style for the future! You have to remember that in the end of the day it's up to you to fix your problems!
I think that I'm going to start off with your Organization:
Okay, your problem here is really that your poem's lines are not arranged properly, and the style that you use to put the whole thing together is a bit disjointed, incomplete and in need of a good bit of work. I'm going to show you a few examples of your problems, generalize from them, and otherwise help you fix them!
Note here: You can't count on the way a word ends, to make it rhyme with another word that has the same ending. 'Go' and 'Into' don't rhyme at all.
X
rhymes with
X
Y
rhymes with
Y
Z
rhymes with
Z
and so on. What you really could use to do is put your lines together and either do this.
X
X
Y
Y
or
X
Y
X
Y
Your present organization is rather hard to go along with.
You're goin good up till here, and then you change really abruptly. Smooth it out a bit. Simplify what you're saying or add a few more lines in there! You gotta generalize here and remember to fix your style WHILE your writing!
Okay, if you've generalized from what I've said, and applied it to your writing then I can promise an improvement in your work! . . . Good luck here. And remember: Don't be discouraged, we all have problems. Recognize them and keep moving!
Next I'm going to go into your Grammar and Spelling:
Your spelling isn't the best, and I'll fix what I can for you, but you have to take it upon yourself to sit down and really put some effort into fixing this problem! Support can be found from a grammar and spelling checker, reviewers, a dictionary/thesaurus, and reading your work out loud (Really!). Your grammar isn't the best (The problems with it really tie with your problems with organization) either, and I'll fix what I can (Again, support can be found from these very same places!).
Okay, first off! 'Doctory' isn't a word. You might use 'work', or 'job', but try not to invent something! Also, 'Malliebility' isn't a word either. This problem could be fixed with a spell checker, but for now I'm going to assume you mean 'Malleability'. But I don't think that 'Malleability' is the word you want to use here . . . I have no idea what you're really saying here because of this word, thus it's up to you to fix it! (Also, I'm not sure that a pencil factory has 'pipes' in the sense you're using).
Okay, I don't understand this. You need to be more exact and use different wording. Really, I had no idea a piece of wood could be anything like a 'glittering crown'.
The fourth line here really feels like fluff (But it's use is up to you!). Just a note here as well: When you use the word 'I', it's ALWAYS capitalized. This your 'i' should be 'I', and your 'i'm' should be 'I'm'.
'Frivilous' isn't a word. I think you mean 'frivolous'. Also, the sigh should be in italics. The 'i' on 'it's' should be big. It's the beginning of a new sentence. There should also be a period at the end of the same sentence. Also, these four lines are irregularly arranged. You might do well to look into it.
Anyway! That's enough for now! Good luck here. Remember: Mistakes such as these will just go away with time. Time and practice! Good luck again! Keep writing!
~Black~
Thanks
This is an interesting poem. I like how you described the process of making a pencil (I never knew how the factories made pencils up until now). The way you wrote from the pencil's point of view: cool! However, try to remember to capitalize and write with correct punctuation.
-- Wonder
Thank You
..
Yeah I Will Take Care Of That.